Monday, July 2, 2012

Wave of Generosity

Once again a thick wall of generosity and kindness has hit me. I think at this point this occurrence has become uncountable! There are so many times where I am completely overwhelmed by so many selfless people.

I have been in the process of sorting out, organizing, packing, and repacking boxes so that I can hopefully move out within the next 3-4 weeks! It's something I've been taking very slowly because going through all of my, our, things is difficult. It brings back a lot of emotions. The last time that I moved my parents packed up our house and moved me back to Kansas one short week after my husband died. I haven't really went through any of his things yet and going through boxes reminds me of why I'm in this situation in the first place. Going through our books reminds me of how much he loved to read and his enormous book collection. Going through DVDs reminds me of our date nights in. Going through clothes reminds me of his every day, casual, comfortable wardrobe. Going through the bathroom box reminds me of his scent. Going through the kitchen boxes reminds me of how many things we received from our wedding that we really didn't get to put to use very often. Etc etc... the list goes on and I think you can take from that why it's so hard. So many memories flood back.

Last night I decided to go through the "paper work" box. Tons of medical "bills", literally hundreds of EOBs (explanation of benefits), Obituary and funeral things from his dad's funeral, mail that hadn't even been opened from 5 months ago. And then I got to the hundreds of get-well and Christmas cards that we received in those three months and mostly in late November and early December. Thankfully I didn't get to ready many sympathy cards... yet -- I know they are there somewhere, though I don't know if I'll have the ability to read them right now.
I shed many tears while reading through the thoughtful words on those cards; words to me, to Spencer, and to the both of us. There were many memories shared from Starbright World, game nights in the hospital (colonoscopies, Barry White, and Normandy, my friends?! ;-) hehe), visits with family, holidays... etc.

Oh the meanings behind a written word.

I was deeply touched, yet again. Possibly even more touched reading through them a second time because I was so numb the first time. Not only was I able to remember some very wonderful memories, but I remembered how many people loved, and still love, Spencer and myself. The outpouring of support that we received was beyond anything that I would ever have fathomed. When December came we had 5-6 cards coming in EVERY DAY with multiple packages in the mail! And then when everyone found out that Spencer was nearing his final days the messages sent to him exploded my inbox and phone. It's still hard to really gather how much love was shown. I'm so thankful that I could remember just how much my Spencer was loved and cared about. It warms my heart.

I remember the wall full of cards that we had in the ICU -- and that definitely wasn't all of them. This picture is actually just from the first month or so, and doesn't include the other wall full of them!

As I was going through the cards I ran across a few gifts also sent to Spencer and/or I, and just some words that I remember really helping me during that time. I know that I wasn't able to contact every person who sent something to thank them. I posted many times in Spencer's Caringbridge how thankful we were to have been receiving so many packages and cards. I KNOW that there are people who sent something that touched me beyond words and made me cry that I didn't call or write to and thank personally. I am so sorry. I truly wish that I could contact each and every person who sent something to thank you from the very bottom of my heart.

So even though this is not personalized... THANK YOU to everyone if you sent a card, package, e-mail, voicemail, an email for the book, or ANYTHING. It was and still is more appreciated than you will ever know. It really helped me get through such a trying time. Thank you from the very, very bottom of my heart. I love each and every one of you and I hope to pay it forward just as much as you did to us. <3


  1. Beautiful, raw, vulnerable & totally full of love. Thank you for sharing Nikki xxx

  2. This is my first visit to your blog. You've left me almost speechless. I can't imagine how difficult it must have been to lose your husband. I am sorry. My daughter's boyfriend lost his lifetime best friend to cystic fibrosis three years ago. My brother battles MS. We MUST work to find cures to such awful diseases!

    From Simply Jan to It's Simply Life - I wish you the best.

  3. Powerful! You are stronger than you know!

  4. As I was reading your post I was reminded that while we may recognize the soul warriors we experience in times of need, they remain in force all of the time. They serve beyond their gift because as they serve one, over time they serve so many more. Your words and courage in acknowledging your champions and sharing your story honor the gifts of memory and life. Blessings to you.