Sunday, July 8, 2012

10 Random Thoughts

10 random thoughts for a random Sunday --

1) I am the worlds most ineffective packer and mover. Like, holy cow. I really do hate the process of packing and then moving and unpacking. This is the 5th time I'll be moving in 3 years and honestly I'm just done. This time I'm trying to be super organized with it and I think it's making my packing abilities more and more ineffective as I go on. I really don't get anything done. I find a box of memories and the next 2 hours are reminiscing about the past. 

2) I absolutely hate my random emotional moments and how suddenly they come on. This moving process is already taking its tole on my emotions. Every time I sit down to sort and pack up boxes I end up crying several different times. I find a card here. Spencer shoes there. I remember certain things I'd rather not think about, or else the things that make me happy and then end up making me cry. You'd think I'd be used to these sudden emotions (and when I say sudden, I really do mean sudden!) being 7 months widowed... but honestly I'm just now starting to get used to them. It's going to be a long road before I'm able to embrace them!

3) I need to learn how to go to bed at night (before 2am) and wake up in the morning (before 10am). I think that has been causing a few of my headaches and it definitely doesn't help with my crabby attitude that I sometimes have! I know that the nights that I stay up late and mornings that I sleep in super late I am very unproductive and over all tired the next day. You'd think I'd learn?

4) I don't mind exercising at all -- the part that I can't take is the heat and how terribly hot and over heated I get. This is why I enjoy swimming laps so, so much. As long as the pool temp isn't too hot, I can stay cool and i'm fine. In that case I really do enjoy exercising. I can't wait until I'm able to get a pass at a gym/pool so that I can finally get back into the shape that I want to be! I have no doubt that I can do it if it's something I actually enjoy doing... compared to the things I hate!

5) I pick up on other peoples moods in an instant. If I am around others who are grumpy, angry, crabby, sad, happy, excited -- I tend to get that way too. I think that it happens more with negative moods than it does positive. If I wake up in a wonderful mood and then get to work, or school, or join my family and someone is upset or mad at the world that day, I instantly think about things that are upsetting me and am put in a terrible mood. I have noticed it more ever since I lost Spence and I think it's just because I'm constantly emotional and maybe a taaaad bit unstable with my emotions ;-)

6) I am still struggling to know what I want to do with my life. What I want to go to school to be. I decided that I just really don't want to be a Child Life Specialist but I don't know what I DO want to be. Part of me wants to go back into nursing. Part of me wants to again look into being a PA. I just don't know and it bothers me every single day. 

7) I want to get involved with the CFF (cystic fibrosis foundation) asap when I get back out to Utah. Of course I won't do it until I've gotten settled in and know my schedule. But I really want to be a part of the foundation and see what I can do! I've always wanted to, but my life was dedicated to saving my husbands life. Now that I don't have that to do and because I am still very passionate in spreading awareness about and raising money for CF, I want to get involved. I've also thought about getting involved with CCFA (crohn's and colitis foundation of amercia) as well. I am just going to have to see where things lead! If I have a chance, I would like to just do a lot of volunteer work and service. I always feel great when I'm helping out others and I LOVE volunteering!

8) I am kind of in a rut. I seem to have hit a road block with just about everything. I'm not exactly sure what it is. Anything I think of to do I am putting off and I just don't have much a desire to do anything. I don't know if it's a little bit of depression creeping up, which honestly I don't think it is because my depression feels A LOT different than this. I think that it might just be because I am about to make a MAJOR life change by moving back to Utah and I'm over-all scared about it and where my future might lead.

9) I realized that every time I write a well thought-out and long blog post I am essentially adding more and more content to my book. All thoughts written on my blog are a great starting ground for topics for my book! I wrote a blog post yesterday which turned out to be 4 pages long on Word. (many if only essays came that easy, right?!) And I can most definitely expand on nearly all thoughts shared in that blog. So even though I might not feel like I'm making much process with my book - I AM just by writing daily, or weekly in my blog. Now if only I can organize everything into a format that works for me to put this dang book together! I have nearly all my blog posts and caringbridge posts etc in one document... But I need to categorize by topics which is going to take awhile. I mean with all of my combined posted in various places I have nearly 400 pages. That's A LOT of content!!!! Ahhh what a process - but it will be SO worth it in the end!!!

10) Annnnd for my final thought... it's kind of an announcement of sorts -- I was asked to kind of share part of my story with my IBD for a post in the Huffington Post and I'm super excited about it! It's really not anything much, but I'm sooooo blessed to continue to be given opportunities like this! I feel so honored and privileged to continue to be asked! I love the Starlight Children's Foundation with all my heart and with everything that they do! I really would love to volunteer in the future for this foundation because they have done SOOOO much for me and given me SO many amazing opportunities! I want to give back!!!!! THANK YOU STARLIGHT!


  1. I love to hear random thought but as I was reading I realized we are thinking some of the same things here. I am in a rut, I want to volunteer, depression is trying to sneak another attack and I am pondering writing a book too! My advice, let your passion overtake you. If you want to volunteer, don't put it off until everything else in your world is right. Its like a seemingly small, short and insignificant fuse that lights off a glorious fireworks display if you just light it up. That is where I am at, and honestly I may be putting my job at risk in trying to help all kids fight cancer. Keep writing, I'm reading for sure.

    1. Very similar! I definitely don't want to put anything off any longer than I have to... just long enough to get settled back into Utah after moving. My passion is definitely what has gotten me through these last 7 months. It's given me the drive and energy to continue to push. Thanks for your comment, Brian!

  2. Hey, dropping by from UBC . . .

    I can certainly relate to the slow-packing syndrome, since I'm a pack rat, and any time I need to pack up there's lots of reminiscing to be done. Of course, reminiscing doesn't have to wait for moving. My father-in-law passed away just this past weekend, and I was sorting through some pictures to make a collage for my husband--so many memories and emotions, hard to stay focused on the task at hand. I can't even imagine such a task in your circumstances.

    And I had to laugh at point #3; just a few days ago I was sharing similar thoughts on my own blog about my horrible sleeping habits. You're right: it should be easy to learn. But it seems it never is.

    1. Oh I am a pack rat too! I am trying soo hard to get rid of the things that I just don't need, or that I haven't used in a couple of years. I am sorry for the loss of your father-in-law. It's so great to go through old memories, though emotional for sure. Thanks for for your comment!

  3. I have a friend who is a PA and she absolutely loves it! One step at a time -- it sounds like you are doing great! :)