Monday, September 16, 2019

It's Stimming Time!



If you didn't already know.... I am a planner by nature. I like having every little detail lined out. I like being in control. Infertility doesn't offer control, I've learned that very quickly. When things don't quite go as I have planned them to, my anxiety goes through the roof. So naturally, when I found out on Friday there was a huge potential of this cycle being cancelled my mind went into overdrive. I had an overwhelmingly emotional weekend just knowing that it wasn't going to go to plan.

I had a few good cries and left for Lincoln Sunday late afternoon. I downloaded a couple of different audio books and actually had a very relaxing drive. Very early Monday morning I got back on the road to Omaha for walk in clinic hours at my clinic. 

Just walking into the building I felt sooo much more at ease than I did on Friday when I went for my first baseline scans and labs. There is a familiarity that relaxed me greatly. I didn't have to wait very long until I got back and Dr. Oakes came in the room. Knowing that she was going to be the one doing the scans made me feel better as it gave me the perfect opportunity to talk with her and have any questions answered that I had.

[Side Note: I just love my RE. She is so down to earth, compassionate, straight forward. I can't say enough good things about my experience with her!]

It didn't take long for her to say that we were definitely good to start! My exactl words, with a frown on my face, were "Wait, really?!" She explained to me what she was looking for and told me that she was comfortable with continuing on. That turned my entire mood around. I mean I was so prepared to start over again that I ordered more birth control in on Saturday to be prepared to take my first dose today.... I am so glad that I can put it on the shelf for a while! 

So after signing a bunch of papers and getting a schedule for the next 5 days, I headed for home. Once I got home I couldn't stop pacing and smiling. I am just so happy and excited that it is FINALLY our turn. I know that there may be several more bumps in the road. This is only the first step. It all depends on how I respond to determine where we go from here. But if all goes according to plan we will be retrieving the eggs sometime late next week and then move on to the next step!

So for the next week or so I will be giving myself an injection of Follistim each night to stimulate the follicles in my ovaries! Repeat labs and ultrasound will occur periodically with some additional injections added in until the follicles are big enough and then we will schedule the retrieval.

I gave myself the first injection tonight and it went well! I had some confusion figuring out how to assemble the little vial of medication into the injection pen, but we got it done! The needle didn't hurt at all and the medication didn't sting or anything going in. A little burning at the site for about 3-4 minutes after, but super mild. I hope I am a good responder because as of right now my dosage of stim meds is really low and only one medication. Fingers crossed we can keep it this way!!






Friday, September 13, 2019

Baseline Blues


I haven't really decided how or where I'm going to share parts of our IVF journey [or if I even will at all...] But my blog feels like an appropriate place to journal with quick snippets here and there on Instagram. Honestly there hasn't been much to share quite yet. With infertility there is more, far much more, waiting than action.

But there are times I just need to write, not necessarily for anyone else, but for myself. [[I always figure if it helps someone else going through it then it is just a bonus.]] And right now I just need to get real about the emotion of all of this.

Today I had my baseline labs and ultrasound done by a clinic that my doctor works with for patients who are not local to Omaha. I finally got the call with the results that I'd been anxiously waiting for all day. The nurse said that I have a couple of cysts on my ovaries and as of right now we can't continue with the schedule as planned.

Unfortunately she told me that a lot of the scans that they have been receiving from this clinic have not been very good and that I'm left with two choices.... to start on another cycle of birth control or to travel to Omaha and repeat the scan and labwork on Monday to try and get a clearer picture. I decided to do the later.

This is all really screwing with my emotions tonight because once again it puts us in a "gray area" and another wait and see situation... a good probability of a cancelled cycled and another month's delay.

▪︎A little back story▪︎

I have been on birth control for the last 3 weeks to suppress my ovaries so that all the follicles start out at roughly the same size and to reduce the possibility of cysts forming. This allows the medication to do its job growing the follicles to house the eggs in preparation for the egg retrieval. I was scheduled to start my injections of stimulation hormones around Sunday with monitoring throughout the week and retrieval the last full week of September.

I thought that today I would get my "set" schedule and have a much better idea what my work schedule and my life would look like for the next 2-3 weeks. We have been waiting for this moment for the last 3 months and right as we thought we had finally got there, I'm being told there is a real possibility we have to cancel this cycle and wait it out again.

Part of me feels that we've been waiting over 2 years to start a family, what is another month... but the real fact is that when you have such a strong desire to become a mom and a dad it's a devastating moment to realize you have to wait another month when you've finally come so close to starting. Those months start to feel like a lifetime after a while.

Let's get real. I don't really want to do this. I don't want to do any of this... all the appointments, the needles, more needles, all the tests.... But the reality is that I want the chance to be a mother to my biological child or children and so I have to do this and I'm willing to do this to make that a possibility.

I just wish that the will to do this made it easier. I knew this journey was going to be emotional, but I'm now just beginning to understand why it becomes so emotional and how emotional it can really be. Not only do you have all of the ups and downs, but it is just a very lonely journey. Not many people understand and I don't expect anyone to try.... you can't truly understand unless you have also been through it. For this reason I am incredibly thankful for the online support groups I have found.

But from someone going through infertility to the family, friends, and support systems out there... check in on your gals from time to time... and check in on their spouses, too. Genuinely ask them HOW THEY are doing and take the time to listen. There is so much more to all of this than how the appointment went yesterday, or what the next step is next week, or when the next injection is.... The mental health aspect of this is real and we need to be given the chance to talk about our emotions, too. If we feel comfortable talking about it we will open up to you. If we're not quite there yet, ask again in a couple of days and we might finally be ready to share. 

Don't necessarily take our silence as a hint that we want you to back off (I'll tell you if I'd rather you not ask about it :).... Each appointment and each step in this process has a lot of information to it that just takes a bit to process. Personally, sometimes I need to share right after I find out new information... but other times I need to let it sink in and process it all before I talk about it. Sometimes I need a good cry about it (okay or maybe 4) before I'm ready to share *coughlikethisblogpost*

So with all of that being said... on Monday I'll push myself to go to another appointment, to get another set of labs drawn, and to hopefully hear some kind of information from my doctor that will put this into more perspective and have a new timeline to follow through the next cycle. 

But for now... #IVFGotThis

Monday, March 26, 2018

Remembering Nacho

I knew there would come a day that we'd have to say goodbye to Nacho and honestly I'm surprised this day didn't come years ago. His health has declined quite significantly since Spence passed away. It was a little slower at first, but then picked up speed as his joints grew stiffer, his appetite grew smaller, and his wish to sleep away the day and not budge outweighed all other options during the day and night.

He's been living with my parents since Spencer died and has bonded with mom, and about mom only. My mom and sister visited me last weekend and mentioned that they thought they'd have to put him down. I didn't say too much, kind of avoiding the topic and stating that I knew the time would come. I changed the subject fairly quickly because I didn't really want to think about it.

But mom sent me a text message that said tomorrow was going to have to be the day. His white cell count is off the charts high and his liver and kidney's are failing. She desired to take him home one last night and love on him all that she could before tomorrow. I appreciate that very much. That text message just hit me kind of unexpectedly. I didn't really have any wave of emotion but tears welded up in my eyes and started to roll down my cheek. I knew it'd affect me, I just haven't wanted to think about it.

It's really hard to not feel like another little piece of Spencer is going with Nacho. Little by little it feels like he slips further and further away. Friends of his die taking cherished memories along with them. possessions get forgotten, given away, and those not needed thrown away. Pictures get pushed back into the gallery as new ones replace them. My own memories fade and become lost in time seemingly impossible to capture before some day they feel like they'll all be gone... and with each thing I lose that once belonged to Spencer, what once was continues to feel like a far away dream.

I have never seen love between a dog and his owner like I saw between Spencer and Nacho. Spencer rescued him one day at the shelter. He sent me a picture of a very scruffy looking dog that, honestly, kind of looked like a rat! I just laughed and told Spence he was crazy, especially after he chose to name him Nacho... but somehow the name Nacho just fit him.



Nacho claimed both Spencer and his mom, Pam, and there wasn't anyone who dared come between them! Because Spence was frequently in the hospital they were separated a lot. For awhile we got "special" privileges for Nacho to not only visit him, but to spend the night. In fact I'm about convinced that we were the reason they put stricter pet policies in place on his ward :) But honestly, I have no regrets. Spencer lit up so bright when I brought Nacho to visit. He became a different person and his outlook changed completely when Nacho showed up.



I easily became the "bad guy" with Cho. Spence spoiled him crazy! I was the one who made him go out into the rain to potty. I was the one who spanked him when he went inside of the house. I was the one he associated with Spencer leaving. He didn't like me all that much. But when Spencer was gone he sucked up to me, which was a nice relief.

Nacho loved lounging in the sun outside. But his favorite place to lay was in Spencer's lap, even better if he had a blanket to burrow under!! He tolerated a lot of things Spencer did to him, like dress him up in his shirts and making him dance to be just a couple things!



When Spencer got admitted into the hospital the final time I think there was a part of Nacho that knew his human wasn't coming home. I spent most of my days at the hospital and had our landlord and friend Sally care for him most days I was gone. He was left with Spencer's mom and brothers a lot as well. Because of strict ICU policies Nacho wasn't able to visit for the first couple of months. It wasn't until we got to go to the ICU step down unit and that Spencer was put on palliative care that they bent the rules for us.

I was able to bring Nacho to the hospital to see Spencer for the first time in nearly three months and I promise you there were tears all around. To see such a special bond be reunited was incredible and so, so heart wrenching at the same time, knowing it would be their very last reunion. Nacho got SO happy and could hardly contain himself. Once he got settled down he slept by Spencer the entire afternoon as Spencer petted him and slept as well.

I feel guilty for not caring for Nacho after Spencer died and I feel guilty I haven't done more for him, visited more, or just generally taking him in as my own. I'm so thankful my mom was kind enough to care for him. He really sucked up to her and she's about the only person he'll tolerate. I'm always afraid that he'll forget me each time I come home. But he doesn't! His little tail will wag so fast and he just can't wait for me to come and pet him. Of course he growls, but I know there is the familiarity there. Each time I'm home I made it a point to put him in my lab and cuddle with him, just like Spence would. I'll miss that.



Even though Cho and I didn't get a long the best... I'll miss that little growling mutt. I'll miss the memories he brings and the snuggles he gives when I'm home.

Thanks for being such a great companion to Spence, little dog. Give him some extra love for me when you get up there with him, okay?


Saturday, January 13, 2018

Angry Intestines

Coming into the knew year I wasn't feeling the best and so I knew it would start out with quickly figuring out how to get my intestinal health on the right track. I just didn't know it'd come so fast.

I don't write about my personal health issues very much on my blog. Largely because I have been very fortunate to not have any symptoms, and some because when things get bad I use Facebook and CaringBridge to share with friends and family to avoid having to repeat myself time and time again.

When I was 11 years old, in 2001, I was diagnosed with a form of inflammatory bowel disease called Crohn's Disease. After much debate and slight uncertainty my diagnosis was changed from Crohn's to Ulcerative Colitis (UC) limited to my lower colon. As I said, I've been very fortunate with how my health has played out (although when I'm sick I don't feel fortunate!). I've only had 3 *major* flare-ups in my 17 years of living with this disease.

Side note: I CANNOT believe I have had this for 17 years!

The last flare I had was in 2013 and it was very severe. I scared myself with how ill I got, how much weight I lost, and how quickly things progressed. I participated in a clinical trial and when that failed and I pulled out of it early it was recommended that I consult with a surgeon to remove my colon. Obviously this is not something I EVER want to have to face and it was terrifying for me. Luckily I consulted and got a second opinion from another specialist who was willing to try a couple of minor treatments to see if it helped me get over the hump to avoid surgery. I'm happy to say it worked and for the last 4 years overall I have been pretty healthy.

I tend to get "seasonal" flareups when the seasons change from fall to winter; many of us do. I feel rough for a month or two and my symptoms develop and increase, but then once winter gets into full force the symptoms die down and I feel myself again. However this time things aren't going as expected. I started feeling rough again late October and thought it'd all get better early to mid December. But my symptoms are just increasing and this last week I've felt exceptionally rough.

After a really rough day, I made an appointment with our local general surgeon to get a colonoscopy done as soon as possible. See, I'm supposed to be getting scopes done every 1 to 2 years to make sure my intestinal tissue is healthy and I am not developing polyps or any other nasty thing. Due to insurance, money, and time I haven't been scoped since 2013 sooo I am long overdue.

My appointment with him went very well and he agreed that the best step to take is to look and see what is going on in my colon. We suspect increased inflammation and a consult with my GI specialist to get back on a treatment plan with some new medications.

But as always, I always get reminded of the reality of living with a chronic disease like UC. After 8-10 years of having IBD the risk of colon cancer increases significantly. With patients, like me, who specifically have ulcerative colitis, that risk is even greater because the disease activity is limited to the colon, whereas Crohn's disease patients can have inflammation anywhere in the GI tract. Each year after year 10, the risk, as you might assume, continues to increase. I am nearly 20 years out and I was gently reminded that I am in a very high risk category to develop colon cancer.

No, this doesn't mean that I WILL get cancer (and I have to keep reminding myself this), and my doctor told me that only once has he diagnosed a patient under the age of 35 with colon cancer (who also has IBD <15 years), but that the yearly screens are critical to me decreasing my risk and catching a dysplasia early to prevent it progressing into cancer. With that being said, I'd lie if I said I wasn't concerned or nervous to what he'll find in a couple of weeks. I haven't been scoped in several years, so it's a little concerning. I have had a history of a lot pseudo-polyps suggesting that I've had a significant amount of inflammation and healing. Thankfully I don't think I've ever actually had a polyp, so I'm trying to stay optimistic that he won't find any this time, either.

I scheduled my scope for the 23rd and will follow up with my GI in Colorado following it. He said that he will be taking extensive biopsies throughout my colon to check for any abnormalities as a preventative measure. This assures me he has my best interests in mind and I'm so glad he is real with me and lays out all my risks and options going forth.

While I'm a little nervous for all of this, as I always am, I'm also ready to get the ball rolling and finally get back on track with regular screenings and maintenance of my disease. This was a goal of mine in 2018, so the earlier I can get it done, the more I can get accomplished this year! Update to follow when I finally learn what's going on inside of these angry intestines :)

Saturday, January 6, 2018

Just Keep Working Out

This week has reminded me why it's so important to quit stopping and starting workout routines! I think back to where I was a year ago.... even just 6 months ago! I started going to the gym in North Platte and got into a good routine of consistently doing SOMETHING to keep me active. After moving back home it was harder to stick with it, but my husband and I usually would try to take a walk in the evenings together... we even got into a stint that we'd go running (it didn't last but more than a couple of months).

But then our wedding came and went and I started working full time. I didn't have anything specific to work towards (like fitting in my wedding dress!) and it was exhausting trying to get into the work routine. I'd wake up at 5am, spend an hour driving to work, 10.5 hours at work, and then an hour driving home to get home at 6:30 or 7pm. All motivation to exercise after that is gone... and it hasn't gotten better, especially now since I also take call. 

I'm slowly trying to get back into that routine. Right now it's as simple as hitting 10,000 steps each day this month. Because that's how not active I've been. At work that's been pretty easy. My lowest was 10,006 and my highest was 13,295. Overall, I'm proud of not only my activity level but my eating habits as well.... But this weekend has been a completely different story.

After a long week of being on my feet and, basically just working and sleeping, I want nothing more than to sit on the couch and watch Netflix, crochet, or read. It takes a lot of conscience effort to get up and move, and even when I do it doesn't amount to very many steps! It's quite cold outside so it's pretty hard to will myself out the door when I don't have to. Today I feel like I'm going to be lucky to get over 6K steps in which I'm not too proud of, but I'll have to get creative tomorrow to get myself moving more! 

I did get on the elliptical for 15 minutes early this afternoon so that I didn't feel like I was being a complete couch potato. That's when I was REALLY reminded that I should never completely stop working out and being active. It is horrible trying to get back into a routine. It was embarrassing how difficult it was to sweat out those 15 minutes. Yikes! 

I am still a part of Beach Body and so I downloaded the On Demand app onto my phone and would like to pick a workout to do each day, especially if I can't get my 10k step in. Maybe after I get this exercise thing figured out again I can try to do the 21 day fix. 

I did that last February and it is the first thing that I've done that has actually WORKED. I wasn't super compliant about it, but I did eat significantly better, I didn't starve myself of food, and I was working out each day. I felt really good about myself after doing that, and I'm so sad that I stopped. 

I have to keep reminding myself that it takes time. If I jump into it full force and too fast (like I always do) I get so frustrated with myself and I never see it to completion. This time I want it to be different. This time I want to go all the way and by the end of the year look back at all I've accomplished with my fitness and health goals and be proud! 

Tuesday, January 2, 2018

In 2018...

I can't say that I'm a huge fan of New Years resolutions. I don't think I've ever kept one that I've made. They are full of good intensions but are incredibly hard to keep. January 1st doesn't magically fix all the bad habits created over years and years time. I've learned that it's okay so set goals and resolutions, but it's a process and it takes time to get to where you want to be. Even when a day or even a week doesn't go as planned, it's not reason to give up. I've got a whole year to make the change - I think that's key to helping me stick with it.

I've been thinking of things I would like to improve upon this year and while I've come up with A LOT of things I want to change, I limited myself and decided to break them down in my monthly calendar with small manageable steps each month.

By the end of 2018 here is where I'd like to be!

Health

  • Be fitter, stronger, and leaner and feel good about my body
  • Getting my disease in check and seeing the necessary doctors to make sure I'm healthy from head to toe

Financial

  • Set back (at least) $100 each month
  • Continue adding to retirement fund

Travel

  • Two vacations with my husband; one being a week-long and one over a long weekend
  • Make a short trip to Utah

Relationship

  • Being more open with my husband
  • Going on at least one date a month together

Personal

  • Less screen time and more time enjoying life through my own eyes
    • Spend more time cooking, painting, crocheting, reading, being active etc

I think that the most challenging thing for me is going to be finding the motivation for my health goals and, believe it or not, the easiest will be my financial goals. I struggle with the rest of these and it will take a conscious effort each and every day to follow through. I hope that by breaking them down and keeping them where I see them every day it will help me be mindful of them all the time!

Sunday, December 31, 2017

2017 Year In Review

Even though I don't post a lot in my blog anymore, I still like to try to reflect on my year and oh what a WONDERFUL year it has been! Honestly it's probably one of the best years that I've ever had.

January marked the downhill slide of schooling for me. I started my microbiology clinical rotation in North Platte and finished the rest of my rotations in McCook. Being in McCook allowed to me finally officially move "home" and was the first time I was able to live with Josh full time. Previously I was able to come home on the weekends, so it was such a nice change to spend more time with him. Clinical's were tough and required a lot of time but the end was near at the beginning of May!

The last week of school was intense. We had a couple of exams to take every day, a paper to write, resumes to complete, study questions to do, and a final exam over a random 500+ questions. To say it was a relief to be done with it all is an understatement!

I am so proud to say that I came out on top and graduated the MLT program with my associates degree AND the 4.0 GPA that I had strived for the entire 2 years! I proved to myself that not only do I have the ability to stick with it even when it seems impossible, but I'm able to do it above and beyond what I ever expect! This was a huge milestone for me and it'll be something that I'll always look back on and never regret. I'd like to say I'm DONE with school - but never say never... I may get the itch to get my bachelors one of these days. Yikes!


I took the weekend after graduation to relax, regroup, and prepare to hit the books incredibly hard for the next week. I scheduled my ASCP board exam a week after graduation. I wanted to do it while the material was still fresh in my mind. I also didn't want to drag it out too long because I knew the longer I waited, the more I'd freak out about passing... I was already nervous enough! That Monday I crammed like crazy for the next 5 days studying everything I could possibly know about microbiology, blood bank, hematology, urinalysis, immunology and everything in between. Early mornings and late nights led to exhaustion but it was ALL worth it!

I took my test on Saturday morning before heading to Lincoln for a couple family birthday celebrations. Taking that test was one of the hardest things I've done! I nearly had a panic attack a few different times after beginning it and I had to excuse myself about 20 minutes into it just to regroup and reassure myself that everything was okay, regardless of the outcome. I remember thinking the entire test that there was NO WAY I was going to pass. It was HARD and I kept getting the questions I least prepared for.

After answering the final question I had to take a few minutes to compose myself. I clicked through the next few screens and started to shake. The moment I hit the button that would preliminarily tell me if I passed or not I swear my heart just stopped. It seemed like minutes passed before I saw the word "PASS" come across the screen! I started shaking even more and I got the biggest smile on my face. I DID IT. It was finally over with. I was official. I was so giddy the next couple of hours, I couldn't get over how amazing it felt!!


But once the adrenaline wore down I was so exhausted and while the time in Lincoln was very fun, I couldn't wait to get back home to get some well deserved sleep and relaxation.

However there wasn't a whole lot of time for relaxation because the first part of the next week I finally started my first "big girl" job as an MLT. I had a wedding to pay for and desperately needed money as my savings had completely run dry. It's awesome working alongside with my mentors and those who encouraged me to go back to school to advance my career. I've learned SO much since becoming a tech and I'm excited to see where it takes me in the future.

Shortly after graduation Josh's aunts threw me a wonderful bridal shower! It made everything feel so real and I felt so special and loved that day. Josh and I got wonderful gifts and the place was decorated so nicely. So many details put into the decorations.


My mom, Tina, and Karen also threw me a small bridal shower. It was so thoughtful and really enjoying spending time with those close to me!


In July my sister-in-law, Beth, threw me a bachelorette party and holy cow was it fun! It was a small family affair as just my mom, Beth, and mother-in-law, Rita were able to go, but it turned out perfect! We went to Lincoln and met up at Corky Boards. We each picked out a design and painted our own signs while enjoying some wine and music. I would LOVE to go back sometime, I really enjoyed it!


We then went to our hotel and enjoyed snacks and drinks during happy hour while we had a chance and then went to our room, played a few games, and took some fun photos of which most I probably shouldn't post.


The night ended with food from Buzzard Billys, drinks from various places, and a nice big slushy from the Rail Yard to close it all out.  So thankful that Beth planned such a fun time for me!


Then brings August - probably the BEST month of the year. On August 12th Josh and I got married! I need to do a blog post just about our wedding day, so I won't get too long winded here. But I will say it was such a perfect day. One of my best friends flew in from Utah, against all odds, to help me through the days leading up to the wedding and she was a God send! I honestly would have lost it if it weren't for her and those days wouldn't have been very enjoyable for me. But the day of everything came together so perfectly; I had my girls by my side, the weather just barely cooperated, and I married my best friend. 


The Monday after we tied the knot Josh had to return to work so we didn't get the chance at a honeymoon right after. But we did plan a small one in September and it was wonderful! We stayed in Omaha for the first 2 nights. The first day we went to the zoo and spent roughly 7 hours walking around, feeding the giraffes, taking the skyfari, touching the sting rays, eating zoo food, and getting sunburnt. I have to say that the best moment at the zoo is when I discovered a SLOTH! These are by far my favorite animals. I got so excited I cried. 


The second day of Omaha we explored downtown and ate at some good restaurants. I tried my very first oyster at Shucks, I can't say I'd order it if given the opportunity but it wasn't bad. On the way to our next stop in Lincoln, we stopped at the outlet malls outside of Omaha and shopped for several hours - a well deserved treat! He was such a trooper letting me shop until I dropped.


The next two nights were spent in Lincoln. We went to the Rutgers Husker game, walked around the Haymarket, ate at Rodizio's and Buzzard Billy's, and Blue, and overall had a wonderful time. The game was miserably hot so I didn't enjoy it as much as I could have, but it's become a tradition for Josh and I to go to one game a year. Thankfully we WON this game and we're exited to go to one next year with the new head coach!


To end September we added a new addition to our little family and gave Loki a feline companion. We adopted Thora and she's been so much fun to have around. She is certainly a little terror at times, but she is also the sweetest kitty and loves snuggles. Her and Loki get along so well and can't be separated. 


In November I did about the most adult thing I feel like I've ever done - I bought a brand new car! I've been needing a car for quite some time. My old taurus just wasn't liking to start up in the cold temperatures and since I drive so much to and from work, I was really needing something reliable. I had driven a friends Honda Fit a few years ago and completely fell in love with it. Josh went with me to Janssen Cool Honda and we test drove a few different models. He agreed with me that the fit just had that perfect feel to it and the price was more than right! I didn't walk in there planning to buy, but everything fell into place that day and I drove home in a brand new (only 60 miles on it!) 2016 white Honda Fit, appropriately named Wanda. I LOVE it so much and I am so, SO proud of myself for being able to finally buy something! I am so appreciative of Josh and his support!


2017 didn't come without challenges, as most years don't. But this has been a hell of a good year for me and I am so excited for 2018. Another year of chances, opportunities, and moments to cherish. I really don't know what the upcoming year will bring - I have hopes but no big plans, so my goal is to just roll with what I'm given and to make the best of it all.