Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Monday, January 30, 2012
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Yes I think it's a good show but the stereotypes drive me crazy!!! How how ignorant the hearing are of the deaf, different cultures and backgrounds.... But I love it because I think ASL is a beautiful language and I never get to see it used. And I guess the drama tends to pull me in, of course.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Friday, January 27, 2012
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Love the lining on the inside! =)
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
I'm pretty sure my favorite place to eat in Olive Garden! I love the food and I have had a lot of good memories there with friends and my husband. In high school I was part of the choir and we did a mixed ensemble a lot for contest. When we would get a 1 we would travel to the state music festival and sing. Well the night before, a lot of the times, we would go to Olive Garden. It was just a tight group of friends having a good time!!! One time we even got asked to sing acappella in the restaurant!!! It was pretty embarrassing but looking back on it it was a lot of fun!
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
I have Crohn's disease and I am supposed to get an annual colonoscopy to check the general health of my colon, if I have polyps, if there might be cancer, if I have inflammation or ulcerations, and to remove polyps that might be there. This is really important because if something goes untreated it could get serious, very fast. But in order to have a scope, what do I need? You guessed it, insurance. I had a scope a couple of summers ago and student health insurance backed out at the last minute for paying for it so alas I was stuck with the entire bill which is now in collections because I can't even begin to pay it. Also - along with my Crohn's disease - I am supposed to be on medications. If I'm sick of course I need to be on meds, but if I'm in remission, it's equally important to be on a maintenance therapy - in my case probably back on Humira or on a "new" biologic called Cimzia. Well one injection costs thousands of dollars and you have to take them every 2-4 weeks. I cannot afford to be on medication but I can't afford NOT to be on medication. I haven't been on IBD meds for about 3 years now and it makes me nervous that I'm going to get really sick. But
(sidenote: Yes people have told me to call hospice and see if they offer any free services and I plan on doing that when I feel ready to make that phone call... and I'm telling all of you who haven't been to my small town that it is VERY VERY small and all the towns beside me are VERY VERY VERY small and there just simply are no sources around here unless I travel 3-4 hours, sometimes more...)
Monday, January 23, 2012
Tonight by FM Static
Sunday, January 22, 2012
So instead of getting caught up in these unrealistic fantasies of what my "dream wedding" would consist of, I am going to say this......
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Friday, January 20, 2012
And this is a picture that Arielle took! He's so cute!
And of course - I just can't leave out Chloe. Poor chloe. She was MY kitty. I bought her and cared for her. Well Spencer got her for me - but we used 'my' money :-P hehe. Sadly we don't know what happened to her. When we moved out we weren't allowed cats and so my parents took her in. They let her out one day and she never came back =( Sad sad. She was a great kitty! Here she is sitting on her food. Yes - she was kind of a food hog! :-p
Tell me about your pets!!!! =)
Thursday, January 19, 2012
The reason I have chosen these people is because they have all been here for me unconditionally, always, without a doubt. Calling me, texting me, messaging me, dropping by to see me when they knew/know that I'm upset or needing some company. Their support is unwavering.
And don't get me wrong - I have SO many very, very good friends as well. =)
There is just TOO much to say about these two. Adam and Christine. Where do I even start. I am so thankful to have them in my life. Christine and I know each other through the CF community - she is a CF wife as well. When it came to health with our hubbies, she was always my go-to. We joke around and say that I am her mini-me =) We have SO many things in common; more than you could imagine! When Spencer got really sick I got to know both Christine and especially Adam very well. They were always just a phone call or text message away. They had me over for dinner while the ICU was closed to visitors. They let me stay in their house overnight so that I could be close. They dropped anything that they may have been doing to come and help me through my time of weakness. Adam gave me a blessing when I needed it most. These two emulate the definition of a true friend. I just hope that someday I can give back as much, if not more, to these two. They deserve the world and more. Such kind hearts and caring attitudes. I love you guys now and forever. I only hope we can continue to grow our friendship together. <3 This is my favorite picture of them because I know it was the happiest day of their lives!!
Last but certainly not least - Spencer. I won't write much about this friendship because most of you reading know how much he meant to me and how close we were - and not to mention, I can already feel my emotions starting to creep up. Yup tears in my eyes. Spencer was absolutely my soul mate and very, very best friend. I went to him for ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. I am so, so devastated I don't have that in my life anymore. I miss his absolutely terribly. He was the bestest friend, the most wonderful husband, and the love of my life. I hope that he is taking the deepest breaths that he possibly can. I miss you, Spence. This isn't my most favorite picture - I don't know if i have a favorite, honestly. Every single picture that we took together I cherish so so much now. Every picture is my favorite.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
And for probably my number one favorite - P.S. I Love You. Just for the record. Yes, I read this book several years before this movie came out. I fell in LOVE with the book and I was very, very pleased with this movie. I really want to watch it again - but I don't feel like I would be able to sit through it. It makes me cry every single time I watch it. Right now I just feel like it would be too much. Her husband dies from cancer and before Spencer passed I always knew that would be our fate. In my little dream world I really wished that he would write me letters and do special things for me here and there so that when he'd be gone I could find them. But alas I knew that wasn't going to happen, but was still A LITTLE disappointed after Spencer passed that he didn't do anything like that for me. He always told me he wouldn't - good job Spence... you kept your promise ;-)
Monday, January 16, 2012
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Day 1 - Your Favorite Song
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Saturday, January 7, 2012
I told myself that I wanted to be as open and expressive as possible through the process of grieving... and so here it is... raw emotion. I don't want anyone to be concerned about me... but I need to be free to express my feelings and emotions as I feel them. Some of my posts to follow will probably be more depressing than you're used to reading... but I hurt. I miss him. Positive posts will come too, I promise - I can't possibly feel depressed every second of every day... it's not how I am. But prepare yourself for the emotional and as I said before, raw, posts. I'll warn you with a simple message before I post them incase you're not wanting to read them... But here is the first post I've written about how I truly feel... Prewritten on a grief site, copy and pasted to my blog.....
I haven't been feeling like myself these last few days. The feeling is just too strong to push through and overlook - though I am really trying. I don't want to just sit around, lay around, sleep all day.... I don't want to feel like i'm being a bum. I've tried to get out with my sister and do some chores that needed to be done. I've tried reading, blogging on my blog, surfing the web, exercising, cooking... But nothing is is really sparking my interest and passion like it did before Spencer passed away. When I was stressed when I was with Spencer - I would cook. It gave me something to do, something to put my efforts into. I could be proud of something that actually went right, or just laugh at an attempt gone terribly wrong. It helped me to take a deep breath and just enjoy something rather than worry. But I have baked and cooked a few things these last few days - the passion and interest just isn't quite there. I hate that =/ I want something that is going to take my mind off of these feelings - even if it's just for a few minutes.
The feelings and emotions are just plaguing me and I can't shake them. And they are hitting suddenly. I don't know if anything triggered them; my guess is it's just grief. Crappy old grief. Not having the energy to do anything. Not having the passion behind anything that I used to. Not having the interest in things that I once did. I'm nearing a month without him.... ONLY a month. I feel like it's been a lifetime. I can't even imagine what 2 months, 3, 4, or 5 is going to feel like.
I feel lonely. So lonely. I feel like something is missing. A piece of me IS missing and there isn't a thing I can do about it. I feel trapped in a mix of emotions and a place where I just don't want to be.
I moved back home to be with my family. I'm glad I did - I have the support that I need, though I haven't quite used it yet. I just haven't been wanting to talk about it - at all. I don't know what to say about my feelings because half the time I don't KNOW what I am feeling. And I just feel trapped here. I am from a town of only 400 people... There is NOTHING around here and NOTHING to do. All of my friends are in college, of course, and no one is around. I'm completely by myself. I think that's driving me more crazy than anything. If I was back in SLC I could go and do the things I want to do. I have my friends there that I've met going to college. I DO have a support system there - but nothing like what I need. My family is going to be the best support that I can get and so it's important that I'm home. But what do I do? All i've done since I've come home is be on my computer, read, sit around... It's getting old... fast. There are no groups to join.. There just isn't anything here for me.
I hear about my friends in college (my HS classmates) doing all sorts of things and being excited about certain things... I miss that. I miss the excitement for events at college... Planning dates with my husband (whether they happened or not)... Going to my friends house for game night.. heck I even miss the commutes back and forth to the hospital. The 2 week stays in the hospital with my husband. I just miss my life. I don't want this to hold me back! But I really, REALLY need to take the time to feel how I'm feeling. I don't want to hold it in and then have it come raging back at me 3 or 4 months later because I haven't dealt with how I'm feeling. I just miss him. Period. Every single little thing about him. He's something I can NEVER get back and it hurts like hell. I feel so empty. At first it felt like my Christmas break. Coming back to KS with my family with Spencer being in the hospital. Thinking that in 2 weeks I'd be back to see him. But now I'm almost at the 4 week mark and I am realizing I can't go back. I can't enter that hospital ever again and see my love.
I got used to not being able to talk to him on the phone - as he was trached for 3 months. We would text sometimes and that was SO nice. And now I can't even pick up the phone and call or text him... He won't reply. He's not there! I think something I miss the MOST is his voice. Spencer has been gone for only 4 weeks... but his voice has been gone for over 4 months. I haven't heard him for 4 months and it hurts so much. His calming, reassuring voice that everything will be okay.. if not now - in the future. But I will NEVER hear that again from him. It's not the same coming from anyone else. The way he said it.. the words he would use to tell me that it's okay. His touch and embrace that he could give me to calm me down... I'll never - ever experience that in the way that Spencer gave it to me.. ever again.
The pain of loss, for the very first time, is gripping me tightly and not letting go... Tonight is the worse night I've had since he passed. The pain of losing your everything, your heart, soul, and being just isn't describable. It hurts to bad. It's an inward cry and pain turning outward... a searing, hot, blinding slash through your heart when you realize he's really, truly gone. That the world as you knew it ended when he died. The plans for your future were cut short. MUCH too short at the painfully young age of 23.
21 is much too young to take on the label as a widow, yet I guess I can't see it being any other way. I knew he would die when I met him. I knew he would die when I married him. I just NEVER imagined it would be 6 months later. I never imagined that we would NEVER get to experience wedded bliss; as 1 week after we married his dad died, then his mom diagnosed with cancer, and then him requiring a couple of 2 week long hospitalizations... and then the rush to hospital and 3 month long ICU stay that changed my life forever....
I have a very long life ahead of me... and I don't know where to turn next. I don't want my life to stop just because Spencer's did. He told me he wanted me to be happy with whatever I did. He told me what he wanted for me. And I KNOW I can be happy again. But I don't want to have to go through THIS to be happy. It's not fair. I hate being told that I will be a stronger and better person because of it. I am ALREADY stronger than most people who are 60 or 70 years old because of what I've been through in my short life... My own disease, Spencer's disease, caretaker, wife, widower. I've seen it all... been through it all. What else can possibly come out of going through one of life's worse experiences? What more do I have to gain through this? haven't I been given enough? WHERE DOES IT END?!
I terrified of what is to come. I know I need to take it day by day. But day by day is the SAME THING. I know my emotions are going to get worse. I hate the person I have become since he's died. AND IT WAS ONLY 4 WEEKS AGO! At first I had a passion for life that I just couldn't describe. But now... every thing has faded. I can barely look at the next hour of the mundane task I have every single day... to think about him.. what I miss.. what I no longer have... to grief and try and accept the live I've now been given.
I just don't know what more to say... I hurt. I feel so lonely... so isolated. I'm feeling sad, hurt, angry, tired... all at the same time. I can't sort through my feelings. They are all just there... haunting me. I just want to sleep - but sleep has been hard to come by. Can't sleep until 3:30 in the morning and don't wake until 11:30 or 12 in the afternoon. Not how I want it to be at all... understandable - maybe? But I don't like this pattern
I just don't like the turn I've been given.......
Thursday, January 5, 2012
I've been having somewhat of a harder time now that the time passed after Spencer's death has grown. I've been told a lot of things... where I'm at in the process - Other widows tell me I'm still in the 'fog stage', some say I'm still in shock. I don't know where I'm at but it doesn't matter what "stage" I'm in - it all still hurts and sucks.
I KNOW that I am still in 'shock'. The full reality hasn't hit me, and I'm sure it's going to come at different times. I'm going to feel the force of reality many times through the next year and beyond at different times. But I also know some of the shock is wearing off and I'm missing him and feeling many more emotions than what I have.
It's only been 3.5 weeks and it really doesn't feel like it. Time tends to stand still these days - though, for some reason, I do have to say that this week has went by a bit faster than the others.
At any rate - I just wanted to share this song/video that was posted on my facebook wall. I love it so much!
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Sunday, January 1, 2012
7) The Boy Who Came Back From Heaven