Widow and Sucky - Day 12

Your current relationship and if single discuss how single life is - Day 12

Well I guess this is basically saying, what is your relationship status and how is it.. lol Something I definitely don't care to think about, but something that comes up in every day life.

My Relationship Status: Widow

How is it?: Sucky

At first it was always the word 'grieving' that got me. I hated hearing that word. But then I got used to the word grieving (probably after getting over a little bit of denial...) and started searching for books on grieving for spouses and came across the word "widow". It then kind of hit me... I am a widow. A widow at 21 years old. Widow was the new word that just struck me the wrong way, always. How sucky is that. I came across a wonderful support group for young widows and reality has definitely started to set in that this is my new relationship status.

When I fill out forms at the doctors or anything like that, I have to mark widow. I'm definitely not looking forward to that.

Sometimes I feel like the term Widow defines me and I hate it. I don't want to be classified as a widow - but I will be for awhile. The real question is - when does that term stop? I am always going to be Spencer's widow.... but when do you consider yourself single... when do you mark on the forms that you are single? Just an interesting thought, I suppose. Right now I'm not going to let it concern myself... but it's one of those things that you know is going to come up in the future.

I don't know - I guess those are just a few thoughts on being considered, legally, a widow. It's really sucky because it's a fresh reminder that your spouse died. I definitely miss Spencer. I miss him more than anyone could imagine. so it's all hard - but I'm getting through day by day. Each day seems to get a little bit harder. One day more that he's been gone. But I do have my good days and sometimes just my good moments. I thrive and I live for those. Spencer has been creeping up in my mind more and more, and he's pretty much constantly in my thoughts. I'm just taking each moment as it comes and I'm trying to be as expressive as I can with how I am feeling.

So I guess that's my take on today's 30 days of blogs.. I feel like this has definitely been a bunch of random words - but I hope it fit together nicely for those of you who are reading! When it comes to talking about my loss... I find it really hard to put into words!