Saturday, January 7, 2012

Raw Emotion

I told myself that I wanted to be as open and expressive as possible through the process of grieving... and so here it is... raw emotion. I don't want anyone to be concerned about me... but I need to be free to express my feelings and emotions as I feel them. Some of my posts to follow will probably be more depressing than you're used to reading... but I hurt. I miss him. Positive posts will come too, I promise - I can't possibly feel depressed every second of every day... it's not how I am. But prepare yourself for the emotional and as I said before, raw, posts. I'll warn you with a simple message before I post them incase you're not wanting to read them... But here is the first post I've written about how I truly feel... Prewritten on a grief site, copy and pasted to my blog.....

I haven't been feeling like myself these last few days. The feeling is just too strong to push through and overlook - though I am really trying. I don't want to just sit around, lay around, sleep all day.... I don't want to feel like i'm being a bum. I've tried to get out with my sister and do some chores that needed to be done. I've tried reading, blogging on my blog, surfing the web, exercising, cooking... But nothing is is really sparking my interest and passion like it did before Spencer passed away. When I was stressed when I was with Spencer - I would cook. It gave me something to do, something to put my efforts into. I could be proud of something that actually went right, or just laugh at an attempt gone terribly wrong. It helped me to take a deep breath and just enjoy something rather than worry. But I have baked and cooked a few things these last few days - the passion and interest just isn't quite there. I hate that =/ I want something that is going to take my mind off of these feelings - even if it's just for a few minutes.

The feelings and emotions are just plaguing me and I can't shake them. And they are hitting suddenly. I don't know if anything triggered them; my guess is it's just grief. Crappy old grief. Not having the energy to do anything. Not having the passion behind anything that I used to. Not having the interest in things that I once did. I'm nearing a month without him.... ONLY a month. I feel like it's been a lifetime. I can't even imagine what 2 months, 3, 4, or 5 is going to feel like.

I feel lonely. So lonely. I feel like something is missing. A piece of me IS missing and there isn't a thing I can do about it. I feel trapped in a mix of emotions and a place where I just don't want to be.

I moved back home to be with my family. I'm glad I did - I have the support that I need, though I haven't quite used it yet. I just haven't been wanting to talk about it - at all. I don't know what to say about my feelings because half the time I don't KNOW what I am feeling. And I just feel trapped here. I am from a town of only 400 people... There is NOTHING around here and NOTHING to do. All of my friends are in college, of course, and no one is around. I'm completely by myself. I think that's driving me more crazy than anything. If I was back in SLC I could go and do the things I want to do. I have my friends there that I've met going to college. I DO have a support system there - but nothing like what I need. My family is going to be the best support that I can get and so it's important that I'm home. But what do I do? All i've done since I've come home is be on my computer, read, sit around... It's getting old... fast. There are no groups to join.. There just isn't anything here for me.

I hear about my friends in college (my HS classmates) doing all sorts of things and being excited about certain things... I miss that. I miss the excitement for events at college... Planning dates with my husband (whether they happened or not)... Going to my friends house for game night.. heck I even miss the commutes back and forth to the hospital. The 2 week stays in the hospital with my husband. I just miss my life. I don't want this to hold me back! But I really, REALLY need to take the time to feel how I'm feeling. I don't want to hold it in and then have it come raging back at me 3 or 4 months later because I haven't dealt with how I'm feeling. I just miss him. Period. Every single little thing about him. He's something I can NEVER get back and it hurts like hell. I feel so empty. At first it felt like my Christmas break. Coming back to KS with my family with Spencer being in the hospital. Thinking that in 2 weeks I'd be back to see him. But now I'm almost at the 4 week mark and I am realizing I can't go back. I can't enter that hospital ever again and see my love.

I got used to not being able to talk to him on the phone - as he was trached for 3 months. We would text sometimes and that was SO nice. And now I can't even pick up the phone and call or text him... He won't reply. He's not there! I think something I miss the MOST is his voice. Spencer has been gone for only 4 weeks... but his voice has been gone for over 4 months. I haven't heard him for 4 months and it hurts so much. His calming, reassuring voice that everything will be okay.. if not now - in the future. But I will NEVER hear that again from him. It's not the same coming from anyone else. The way he said it.. the words he would use to tell me that it's okay. His touch and embrace that he could give me to calm me down... I'll never - ever experience that in the way that Spencer gave it to me.. ever again.

The pain of loss, for the very first time, is gripping me tightly and not letting go... Tonight is the worse night I've had since he passed. The pain of losing your everything, your heart, soul, and being just isn't describable. It hurts to bad. It's an inward cry and pain turning outward... a searing, hot, blinding slash through your heart when you realize he's really, truly gone. That the world as you knew it ended when he died. The plans for your future were cut short. MUCH too short at the painfully young age of 23.

21 is much too young to take on the label as a widow, yet I guess I can't see it being any other way. I knew he would die when I met him. I knew he would die when I married him. I just NEVER imagined it would be 6 months later. I never imagined that we would NEVER get to experience wedded bliss; as 1 week after we married his dad died, then his mom diagnosed with cancer, and then him requiring a couple of 2 week long hospitalizations... and then the rush to hospital and 3 month long ICU stay that changed my life forever....

I have a very long life ahead of me... and I don't know where to turn next. I don't want my life to stop just because Spencer's did. He told me he wanted me to be happy with whatever I did. He told me what he wanted for me. And I KNOW I can be happy again. But I don't want to have to go through THIS to be happy. It's not fair. I hate being told that I will be a stronger and better person because of it. I am ALREADY stronger than most people who are 60 or 70 years old because of what I've been through in my short life... My own disease, Spencer's disease, caretaker, wife, widower. I've seen it all... been through it all. What else can possibly come out of going through one of life's worse experiences? What more do I have to gain through this? haven't I been given enough? WHERE DOES IT END?!

I terrified of what is to come. I know I need to take it day by day. But day by day is the SAME THING. I know my emotions are going to get worse. I hate the person I have become since he's died. AND IT WAS ONLY 4 WEEKS AGO! At first I had a passion for life that I just couldn't describe. But now... every thing has faded. I can barely look at the next hour of the mundane task I have every single day... to think about him.. what I miss.. what I no longer have... to grief and try and accept the live I've now been given.

I just don't know what more to say... I hurt. I feel so lonely... so isolated. I'm feeling sad, hurt, angry, tired... all at the same time. I can't sort through my feelings. They are all just there... haunting me. I just want to sleep - but sleep has been hard to come by. Can't sleep until 3:30 in the morning and don't wake until 11:30 or 12 in the afternoon. Not how I want it to be at all... understandable - maybe? But I don't like this pattern

I just don't like the turn I've been given.......


  1. -massive hugs- can identify with a lot of your emotions... here's a little song I wrote about my feelings after a very difficult loss ... 5 years ago just gone. Reflects on a Bible verse saying something like in all things praise God. (can't remember it exactly)
    The darkness seems unending
    The storm rages inside
    How much longer is this road, Father,
    How long till the sun will rise?

    In this night I will sing your praise,
    Through this pain I will proclaim
    Holy is the Lord, Holy is the Lord,
    Holy is the Lord, Holy is the Lord our God.

    My world fell around me
    All I knew was lost
    One day I’ll be complete again,
    ‘Cos you paid a greater cost

    In this night I will sing your praise,
    Through this pain I will proclaim
    Holy is the Lord, Holy is the Lord,
    Holy is the Lord, Holy is the Lord our God.

    In life, in death, I praise your name,
    In the valleys and depths, I praise your name
    Oh Holy is the Lord, Holy is the Lord,
    Holy is the Lord, Holy is the Lord our God.


  2. Just my thoughts here as well, I understand you likely already know this.

    Your life has changed, and I don't think you will ever "get over" it. I don't think you're supposed to "get over" it. I think you will always miss him. A part will always be missing, and nothing can ever be a replacement.
    However, you will learn how to live with this and still be a productive, maybe even happy person. And it will take a long time.
    You will find things to heal the hole in your heart, but they will not be replacements.
    Kind of like a transplant. Something will fill the hole, and you will be able to function. It won't be the same thing, it will be different. But it will help.

    This may take years to find. But just keep moving forward. Keep praying for guidance on what to do to help yourself. Read the scriptures. Do some research on and see what general authorities have to say on these topics. Get yourself lost in their words.
    I did that when I was at my worst point (something I've never talked about to anyone other than my parents, and it was different from your experiences, not nearly as difficult, though), and while it didn't solve the problems, it certainly gave me options and a direction to go.

    Also, you said you will never hug him again. Never hear him again.
    Nikki, I PROMISE - you can count on this promise, because I know it is true, I cannot ever deny it - you WILL see him. You WILL hug him, kiss him, hold his hand, talk with him, laugh with him, be together.

    It is so hard to believe, but I know for certain that this life is so short. It sure doesn't seem like it! But I believe that when we pass through the veil and are rejoined with our family members, it will seem like just yesterday that we were last with them. And it will be WORTH it.

    While there are so many things I personally am excited for (and.. really not so excited for), the thing I am most excited for is the day when I can live with my family forever and be in the presence of our Savior and Lord Jesus Christ, our Heavenly Father, and dwell in peace forever and ever.

    I played this hymn at my close friends funeral a little over a year ago. It has changed my life.

    Though Deepening Trials

    Though deepening trails throng your way,
    Press on, press on ye Saints of God!
    Ere come the resurrection day
    Will spread its life and truth abroad.
    Will spread its life and truth abroad.

    Though outward ills await us here,
    The time, at longest, is not long
    Ere Jesus Christ will reappear,
    Surrounded by a glorious throng.
    Surrounded by a glorious throng.

    Lift up your hearts in praise to God;
    Let your rejoicings never cease.
    Though tribulations rage abroad,
    Christ says in me "Ye shall have peace."
    Christ says in me "Ye shall have peace."

    What though our rights have been assailed?
    What though by foes we’ve been despoiled?
    Jehovah’s promise has not failed;
    Jehovah’s purpose is not foiled.
    Jehovah’s purpose is not foiled.

    This work is moving on apace,
    And great events are rolling forth;
    The kingdom of the latter days,
    The “little stone,” must fill the earth.
    The “little stone,” must fill the earth.

    Though Satan rage, ’tis all in vain;
    The words the ancient prophet spoke
    Sure as the throne of God remain;
    Nor men nor devils can revoke.
    Nor men nor devils can revoke.

    All glory to his holy name
    Who sends his faithful servants forth
    To prove the nations, to proclaim
    Salvation’s tidings through the earth.
    Salvation’s tidings through the earth.

  3. D&C 58:2–4

    John 16:33

    those are both related to the hymn above.