As of right now, as many of you know, I am back in Kansas living with my parents. I moved back right after the funeral and this is where I will stay.... for awhile. I have told myself that I need to stay in Kansas with family for a minimum of six months. The reason for this? I want to be able to allow myself to grieve and heal a little bit. Spencer's death has changed A LOT. My whole future is now up in the air. Very little of what I had planned for my future is still the same. I am afraid that if I go back to Utah too soon, I will either do 1 of 2 things... 1) Get myself REALLY and overly involved so that I don't think aout Spencer and my situation. I would end up putting everything to the back of my mind and not letting myself feel how I feel - I don't feel this is healthy. I don't want to go on with my life like nothing happen and then 2-3 years from now really grasp the magnitude of everything.
or 2) Not be involved with anything at all and become very, very depressed and really not being able to function. As i would be grieving - I wouldn't be handling it in a healthy manner and I don't feel that's good either.
By being at home with my parents for 6 months I can get all of the support that I need, and I can allow myself to feel my emotions openly and freely.
I also don't want to jump into anything too soon. By giving myself 6 months - I have those 6 months to evaluate what step I want to take next. None of my decisions are going to be sudden and impulsive. I have my mom to talk things over with to rationalize my thoughts.
So what am I doing during these 6 months... Oh boy. Well so far I really haven't done much. I have a lot of projects that I want to do - but I'm finding them really hard because they involve Spencer in some way, though I am slowly trying to get myself involved with them. I really am just taking it day by day and letting myself feel how I need to feel. I got ask to babysit a 3 year old during the week starting in February and so I will be picking up a job then. I'm really looking forward to it as I need to get a routine started back up and I need to get out of the house. I need to DO SOMETHING. Plus it will give me some money that I desperately need to be able to continue to pay off some bills that we will still have coming in. And to save up for some future things.
This summer I would really like to do something for ME. I would love to travel a little bit. I have gotten an offer to go to Philly to see my brother-in-law and hang out there for awhile. Rumor is maybe a few of us CF wives might be able to get together some where for a few days. And I would really like to go to San Diego to see my best friend, Emily! There is also a camp called "Camp Widow" in San Diego is August that I would like to go to - but it's quite pricey and I don't know if it would conflict with fall classes. I know I can't travel everywhere that I want to - but I am thinking that I can save up to go to two places - we'll have to see. Long story short (haha) I want to go somewhere else!!!
I also need to go to back to Utah for a short visit. I need to tie up a couple of loose ends and I would really like to see some of my friends - I really miss my Utah friends and support group! That trip shouldn't cost too much, though.
After the summer - If I feel like I'm ready, I plan to move back to Utah to finish my degree. I so badly want to finish my major and get into my career! So that's my number one goal once I get back into the swing of things. I have fallen in love with Utah and I have made so many amazing friends and a great support network there - I can't imagine not going back. I also spent what seemed like forever trying to get my residency for tuition purposes; I'm not giving that up! haha
So those are my... I guess you could say tentative goals. They change a lot and probably will up until I make the decision that it's time to move back.