tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-322205963892955702024-03-12T22:29:59.291-06:00It's Simply... Life"In the end, she became more than what she expected. She became the journey, and like all journeys, she did not end, she just simply changed directions and kept going." R. M. DrakeAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11353540291064637374noreply@blogger.comBlogger372125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32220596389295570.post-79156144270053981982020-04-24T19:04:00.000-06:002020-04-24T19:04:37.195-06:00Infertility Awareness Week<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; white-space: pre;">As some know, but many do not, this week has been National Infertility Week. The goal of this week is to not only increase awareness about infertility but to remove the barriers and stigmas that stand in the way of building families. </span></div>
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Infertility is an incredibly personal and private journey a couple takes and many men and women don’t feel comfortable sharing their journeys. Some feel embarrassed or judged. Others feel like a failure because our body isn’t working as it was intended to. But the common theme that almost all couples experiencing infertility feel is very alone and isolated. It is difficult to realize that WE ARE NOT ALONE in this as every <b>1 in 8 couples</b> trying to get pregnant are diagnosed with infertility. </div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; white-space: pre;">We have been struggling to get pregnant for nearly 3 years. It wasn’t easy to talk about a year ago when we were in the thick of it and it STILL isn’t easy to talk about now. When I choose to post about it I feel very vulnerable and uncomfortable. I have this internal monologue and fight with myself every time I share. The reality is I WANT to share because it is such a constant struggle in our lives but I also DON’T want to share because I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. I don’t want the comments of “It will happen”, “Just keep trying”, and “Just relax and enjoy the process”. I just want to share because it IS my entire life and the world around you has no idea the vast void that you feel…. The struggles and devastation you experience on an almost daily basis. Once diagnosed, infertility is a constant. There are no breaks because it is something you cannot escape.</span></div>
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; white-space: pre;">There is also a stigma that surrounds IVF as well, as some people don’t believe in it and tend to cast judgement on those who choose to use it as their method of having a family. Adoption is often touted as an “easy” and “cheaper” way to have a family. But it is not. Oh boy it IS NOT. It is also a long, arduous adventure that is incredibly expensive and heartbreaking and, like IVF, does not guarantee that you will have a baby at the end of it. IUI, surrogacy, medicated cycles with timed inercourse are all no guarantees and none of them are “easy”. None of them are the “right” or “wrong” ways to start a family either...</span></div>
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; white-space: pre;">But this is WHY we need to talk about it and be open about it. Because </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; white-space: pre;">1 in 8</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; white-space: pre;"> couples are feeling THIS SAME WAY. 1 in 8 couples are desperate to connect to the other 1 in 8 couples roughing the same storm. </span></div>
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; white-space: pre;">When we first started treatment we had no idea the number of friends we had who also went through various fertility treatments to have their little bundles of joy as well. This is so much more common than we ever knew!</span></div>
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; white-space: pre;">As most know, last year we went through the most challenging and emotionally difficult time in our marriage (and arguably our lives). We had the excitement of FINALLY truly believing it was our time to become parents. After many tests and procedures we started our IVF journey and through the retrieval everything went almost perfect! But then we had once frozen embryo transfer that failed to implant. We went through that heartbreak, picked ourselves back up rather quickly and moved forward to another frozen embryo transfer. We thawed out two, one embryo didn’t survive the thaw so we thawed a third and transferred two. 8 days later we got the absolutely devastating news that these two didn’t implant either and it, again, had failed. That broke me in a way I can’t even begin to explain. I was in a pretty dark place through the holiday’s and had difficulty seeing any hope. </span></div>
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; white-space: pre;">With time we healed and worked through our second loss and in March we felt ready to dive in again. It took me a full </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; white-space: pre;">TWO WEEKS</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; white-space: pre;"> to gain the courage to call our doctor. But with a shaky voice I finally did and she was able to get us in a week later for a consultation on how to proceed with transfer number 3. I started to get some hope again.</span></div>
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<i>But then COVID-19 happened</i>.</div>
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; white-space: pre;">ASRM advised that all non-essential procedures be put on hold for the foreseeable future as it is unknown how COVID may affect a mother or her baby. We cancelled our consult and are now in the long wait until the majority of the pandemic has passed and we hear that we can continue. A few months may not seem like much to many, but for those who have already been waiting years to begin their family, a few extra months seems like an eternity. The void is ever present recently knowing our future of a child is on hold. It’s all I can think about yet there is nothing I can do about it.</span></div>
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; white-space: pre;">While this may seem like such a small thing or like “no big deal”, one of the toughest things for me this year is the fact I will be turning 30. My dream was to start my family at 26. As 26 came and went I was okay with maybe 28… and then 29. But 30 seems like such a big deal to me. I will not have a child this year. I may not even become pregnant this year. It’s another “loss” to me in a way and something I am trying to come to accept. </span></div>
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; white-space: pre;">So as National Infertility Week comes to a close….</span></div>
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; white-space: pre;">We’ve been trying for 32 months. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; white-space: pre;">1 retrieval. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; white-space: pre;">2 failed transfers. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; white-space: pre;">Countless Heartbreaks. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; white-space: pre;">& still nothing to show for any of it.</span></div>
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; white-space: pre;">That doesn’t include the hundreds of hours of research. The thousands of miles traveled. The tens of thousands of dollars spent… and on and on and on.</span></div>
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 700; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; white-space: pre;"><b>We are 1 in 8</b></span></div>
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; white-space: pre;">Know that you are not alone in this and there is no “right” way to start your family whether it is through IVF, IUI, medicated cycles, adoption, surrogacy. Whichever way you feel in your heart is the way to have your baby is the right way. </span></div><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; white-space: pre;"><br></span></div><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap; white-space: pre;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Nikki Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05691761384074771911noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32220596389295570.post-61384923275469595792019-12-31T18:58:00.001-07:002019-12-31T19:06:55.194-07:00Decade ReflectionsTonight ends another year. Another <b><i>decade</i></b>. And until I really thought about it within the last hour I didn't realize how much this last decade has impacted me.<br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-size: 11pt; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i><span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">It completely shaped me.</span></i></span></div>
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I had so many experiences, both large and small, that taught me tough lessons and helped me discover who I am and what my place is in this world. It began and carried me through my young adulthood. <br />
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In short?<br />
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I graduated high school<br />
Moved to Utah to start college<br />
I got married<br />
I quickly became a young widow<br />
I lost and grieved a lot of people in a 6 month span<br />
Started my career in the laboratory<br />
Lost a couple of amazing women and friends<br />
Returned to college<br />
Graduated college with a 4.0<br />
Got married<br />
Started my career as an MLT<br />
Promoted to manager<br />
Experienced infertility<br />
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Between and among all of those big moments, between the delicate balance of grieving and living, I continued to live and learn so many life lessons. I spent a lot of time in the beginning of the decade promoting an organization for sick teens and I spoke at a couple of celebrity galas with my dear friends. So many precious moments shared with the teens I mentored and the friends I shared the gala experiences with.<br />
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I met some absolutely incredible people, a couple I have lost, a few who are no longer in my life, but all who completely changed my life and will be in my heart forever. I had a couple of failed relationships and heartbreaks and I made a lot of mistakes, some worse than others. <br />
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I did a ton of traveling.... always promising myself that I'll return again some day. Some places I've been back to, others I have yet to return. I traveled to Utah, California, Colorado, New York, and Nevada and I definitely left a little piece of my heart in each place I've been. There is something that happens to a person when you travel. Your attitude and outlook on life changes. You come back a different person than the person who left. Many of the personal discoveries I made came from the places that I've explored and the people I've explored them with.<br />
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I had a lot of heartbreak this decade but I also had so many amazing things happen to me. I wish I could write out every story and lesson and moment that each of those milestones brought to me but it is a story that never ends. I continue to learn and take different things away from each as I go through various moments in my current life.<br />
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I can't pretend that I know what this upcoming year [this upcoming decade] will bring, do we ever? But I have lots of wishes and hopes. Right now I see a heck of a lot of obstacles in the way to get to where I want to be but when I think about it, when has my life allowed me anything worth living for without a few, or many, challenges along the way?! I guess it just makes the journey that much sweeter.<br />
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I'm not going to make any resolutions as I never stick to them anyway. I know what I want to work on and hopefully I will find the will and motivation to accomplish them. All in all I just hope that 2020 is kind to me. I hope it comes with less challenges, less heartbreak, and more moments worth living for. Nikki Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05691761384074771911noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32220596389295570.post-75687789381661617612019-12-05T09:09:00.000-07:002019-12-05T09:57:42.507-07:00All Consuming ThoughtsToday is the first day I've had to myself since I found out that our second transfer failed. I realize that while each day has gotten a little bit easier to muddle through, my heart truly still hurts.<br />
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Distraction has been good for me. I've thrown myself into work and tried my best to push infertility off of my mind this week but now that I'm alone I'm feeling anxious again. I have butterflies in my stomach and a knot in my throat that threatens to reduce me to tears at any moment. I have a feeling that staying busy today is going to be key. Maybe I'll try to decorate for the holiday's and crochet another hat.<br />
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Honestly I haven't felt this sad in a very long time. These last 8 days have been rough and I've been in a very dark place mentally. I don't quite feel as hopeless as I did a week ago, or even 3 days ago, but today it's very evident that I am still sad. My husband and I really haven't talked about it much. There has been SO much to say about it, but when we sit down nothing comes out. I know that if I talk about it, it brings our situation into reality and while I know I/we NEED to talk about it to start working through it, I don't want to face it.<br />
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I've sat down to write many times as usually sharing my thoughts helps me begin to process everything and help it to all make sense. But this time the heartache has been too intense and I haven't been able to get my feelings down into words. Today, although I am sad, it seems that the intensity of my feelings have faded a bit and I'm able to express myself a little bit better. So I thought I'd use it as an opportunity for me to finally talk about what happened, why I'm so sad, and what might come next for us.<br />
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While in the 8 day wait for my blood test it was incredibly hard for me to get excited about the possibility of being pregnant. I figured that if I allowed myself to get excited it would lead to a greater disappointment when it didn't work.<br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>When it didn't work</i>.<br />
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Somehow I seemed to have just known in my gut that for some reason, these little embryos weren't going to make it. I can't really explain it, but in the hotel room the day after my transfer my mom asked me, "So how are you feeling?" I replied with, "Well honestly? I feel like it's not going to work." and for some reason that nagging feeling never left.<br />
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This time I waited until the day before my blood test to take a home test. I wasn't going to do it but I stupidly thought that it'd be really fun, if it was positive, to wake my husband up before I left for work and tell him he was going to be a daddy. IVF takes away most elements of surprise, and I wanted to reclaim at least one. But instead it turned out exactly how I figured it would... Negative. Not pregnant. Honestly I thought I would be able to let it roll off of my shoulders and just laugh about it because that's how it ALWAYS has turned out. But something gutted me after that moment. I cried half of the way to work and started preparing myself for my blood test. That night I told Josh I didn't think it was going to be positive and not another word was spoken about it.<br />
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I'm SO thankful that the day of my blood test also happened to be a snow day for both of us. I dreaded getting up that morning for another lab draw that felt unnecessary. But I did. I went. I sat on the couch and waited. It took them a couple hours longer to call me back this time. During that moment I had a <i>sliver</i> of hope that maybe that meant instead of my doctor calling me herself that it was going to be a nurse and it was good news! But deep down I knew. My husband woke up shortly before "Dr. Oakes" came across on my phone. I took a deep breath and said "Hello"<br />
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It was, again, Dr. Oakes. "Nikki?" "Oh hi, yes, how are you?" "This is Meghan. I'm ok how are you?" "I'm Okay." and then she said she was sorry and that it was negative again. I didn't shed a tear, my facial expression didn't change. I told her, again, that I just knew it would be negative and then I looked over at my husband and knew he was also gutted as he hung his head. My heart completely sank. Sometimes it hurts me more knowing how much it hurts my husband vs how much it hurts me.<br />
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She said that it shouldn't be this hard. She was taking our case to her team the next morning and consulting with some other experts to see if anyone else could lend some advice on why this hasn't been working. She'd call me back the next day.<br />
<br />
That day I stayed busy. I started crocheting a hat for Josh, I did the dishes, I just did everything I could to not talk to him and to not look at him for too long. I didn't want to talk about it and damn it I didn't want to feel how much it hurt. We didn't speak about it for the rest of the day but looking into each others eyes told everything we needed to know.<br />
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That night Josh came up behind me on the couch as he was getting ready for bed. He kissed my cheek and gave me a squeeze and just that gentle touch made me completely lose it. Tears immediately streamed down my face and I sobbed. I sobbed so hard. We didn't say anything, he just let me cry for what seemed like such a long time and then we went to bed, early, without another word spoken.<br />
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I woke up the next day determined to be okay even though I really wasn't. Work was going to be good for me and I wasn't going to think about it. But then Dr. Oakes called me on my way to work so I pulled over and talked to her. I was excited for her call, but at the same time so nervous.<br />
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She told me that they looked over everything, from my protocol and responsiveness at retrieval to each transfer and really didn't find much of anything wrong. The only thing that they could come up with is that our embryos just aren't surviving the thaw very well before transfer. She said they seem fragile. That is sometimes something that they see in older women, but there really isn't an explanation for it in our case. When the embryos were put into the freezer I'm told they are textbook perfect. Gorgeous. But when they thaw they aren't expanding like the average embryo and that <i>may</i> (or may not) be the problem. The moment she said that they weren't handling the thaw very well my heart sank. I knew what that meant and she confirmed it.<br />
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There is a good chance that frozen embryo transfers aren't going to work. There is a good chance that our best option would be to do another retrieval and do a fresh transfer.<br />
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We talked through a couple more options that aren't ideal for our situation and therefore aren't on the table. She said we have 5 embryos left and if we, understandably, can't or don't want to go through another retrieval we could transfer 2 more times. She feels like a 2-embryo transfer is the least we should do and she is more than willing to do, and recommending a 3-embryo transfer as in our case it would be appropriate.<br />
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I told her we'd let them know what we decide to do and hung up the phone. I SO BADLY wanted them to come to an "A-Ha!" moment and have a magical answer or change in protocol. But of course, that'd be too easy. Nothing about this is easy.<br />
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My own thoughts were very loud at that moment and all consuming. I needed to talk to someone so I called my mom. I told her the news and just cried. We talked, she tried to find words. I then got to work and put on a happy face but then quickly broke down again when asked how I was doing. I shared my feelings a little and then threw myself into work.<br />
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The Thanksgiving holiday was rough. I didn't have the spirit or heart to be with family and so Josh and I had our own little Thanksgiving at home together. I had tears in my eyes most of the day and the rest of the weekend we were together was the same. I'd break down a few times during the day and I was just impossible to be around. Josh just held me as I cried and we muddled through together.<br />
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With all of that being said, we again have a decision to make and it's not an easy one. If we continue with IVF... another transfer or another retrieval. Major pros and cons come with each. I'm majorly grieving what we don't have at the end of all of this after everything we put into it this year and it gets more and more difficult for me to envision this working. A family seems further and further away. I'm completely torn on what to do next.<br />
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I want to write more, but I'm starting to have difficulty finding words again as thinking about the decisions and the reality still hurts and leads me on an emotional rollercoaster that I just don't want to be on right now. I'll pick this up again later, perhaps after my thoughts are a bit more clear.<br />
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I just want you to know that if I've been distant, emotional, or bitchy, I promise it isn't direct towards you and I'm sorry if you feel like it has. Like I said above, I've been difficult to be around. I know I haven't answered a few text messages and I've had to tell people that I don't want to talk about it after being asked how I am. But please know that I am so glad that you've checked in with me. Even if I don't respond or brush you off, I <i>so</i> appreciate the check in's.Nikki Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05691761384074771911noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32220596389295570.post-83775899075615332602019-11-18T19:59:00.001-07:002019-11-18T19:59:16.405-07:00Transfer Day - Take TwoThe journey to FET #2 has been filled with more anxiety and nerves than I would have liked. After going through a failed transfer it is hard to get my hopes up and to be excited and try to enjoy the moment.<br />
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I have been taking Estrace for a couple of weeks now and Progesterone In Oil (PIO) injections for 5 days in prep for this transfer. For the most part the process has been the same however I have felt a lot more emotional this time, likely from all of the hormones.<br />
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Today was the day for transfer number two! As I lay here on bedrest I still am in awe of the entire process. Months of appointments, procedures, and testing lead up to this day and then it is over in a flash as the actual transfer only takes about 5 minutes!<br />
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I started the day out pretty anxious. Didn't have much of an appetite, felt like puking, and I was on the brink of an anxiety attack as we headed to the hospital. I kept having to swallow back tears and kept telling myself to just breathe. It is in His hands and I need to have faith and trust in my doctor and her team. This will all be okay.<br />
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After a lot of thought and in talking with the doctor Josh and I decided to transfer 2 embryos this time. Transferring 2 doesn't necessarily guarantee a pregnancy, however it increases the chance of a singleton pregnancy to 65-70% and overall increases the chance of multiples to 25%. These are all odds we thought a lot about and felt in our hearts was the best decision for us.<br />
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The clinic called about an hour before I was supposed to arrive at the hospital and let us know that Embryo #1 thawed out great and was ready for transfer. Embryo #2 however was struggling post thaw and needed a little more time. They wanted to give it another hour to perk up like it was supposed to and if it didn't quite get there we'd decide then whether we wanted to thaw a different embryo out so we could continue on with a 2-embryo transfer.<br />
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We arrived at the hospital, did all of the intake paperwork and tests, and waited for a bit before my doctor came in to chat with me. She said that embryo #2 was starting to degenerate and wouldn't make it so we talked about thawing out another. I strongly felt like doing 2 was the best decision and she agreed that was the right thing to do. So transfer was delayed by about 15 minutes [with a full bladder it begins to feel like a long time!]. 30 minutes later she came back and said Embryo #3 thawed well and is also ready to transfer!<br />
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As said above, the actual transfer took about 5 minutes. They drew up both embryos into a catheter, inserted them into the uterus and got the final okay that they both were placed where they needed to be! I was required to rest for 45 minutes before being discharged and then we headed back to the hotel. I had a wonderful 3 hour nap and am continuing to try to relax and stay calm.<br />
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I am so thankful that my anxiety has lessened as the day has progressed. I attribute a lot of that to the Valium that I had to take this morning but I also know that the moment has passed and there is little that I can do to control the situation. It is all out of my hands.<br />
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Thanks for all the prayers and positive thoughts up to this point. I know that we have <i>so</i> much support and we are very, very thankful. I continue to ask for prayers that these embryos continue to be strong and continue to develop, for my body to stay relaxed, for my uterus to be receptive for implantation, for my anxiety to keep at bay, and for a good amount of patience as we wait for the blood test to see if this finally worked!<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-g49mvrD522c/XdNaB3fqFvI/AAAAAAAACY8/NWAppmVPBIkXz23zBnBW-Gt9qN3WeQmtQCLcBGAsYHQ/s1600/1-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="689" data-original-width="573" height="400" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-g49mvrD522c/XdNaB3fqFvI/AAAAAAAACY8/NWAppmVPBIkXz23zBnBW-Gt9qN3WeQmtQCLcBGAsYHQ/s400/1-1.jpg" width="332" /></a></td></tr>
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<span style="font-size: 12.8px;"><b>Top Left:</b> Embryo #2 that didn't quite make it after the thaw</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.8px;"><b>Top Right & Middle:</b> Embryo #1 right after thaw and then right before transfer</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.8px;"><b>Bottom Right:</b> Embryo #3 that was thawed and transferred right away</span></div>
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Nikki Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05691761384074771911noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32220596389295570.post-21737730516569915392019-11-01T20:24:00.000-06:002019-11-01T20:36:02.009-06:00Our First FETWords don't come easy when the news you dreamt of sharing turns into news that breaks your heart.<br />
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The month of October has been full of complex emotions for Josh and I. At the beginning on the month we quietly began our protocol to prepare for our first frozen embryo transfer (FET). Lots of pills, an ultrasound, and several progesterone injections later, we got to hold a picture of our beautifully thawed little embaby and amazingly got to watch as our RE gently transferred it to its new home.<br />
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We left the clinic in awe. We had hope, we were optimistic, and we were overjoyed that maybe it was finally our turn to become the parents that we've been painstakingly trying to become. <br />
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Day 1, 2, 3, and 4 post transfer passed slowly and both Josh and I were thankful for the distraction of our jobs and ordinary life. Hope and optimism prevailed. Medications and routines continued as if this little embryo implanted into its new home comfortablly.<br />
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As the next days moved forward and home pregnancy tests continued to be negative, nerves, doubts, and disappointment slowly creeped in. At first I laughed... of course they are negative, it is still far too early... but then why are some of the ladies in my support group already getting positives? I still shrugged it off... mine will come. <br />
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But then on day 6 the reality of the 50% chance that this little embryo may not have made it became clear in my mind. I hid my fear at first, but my husband knows me well and knew I wasn't okay. I cried. I shared my doubts. We talked about our optimism turning into doubt and we moved forward. <br />
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Day 7... negative again. Deep down I knew.<br />
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Day 8 was my Beta, (blood HCG test). My home test was again negative and even though I knew it would be negative, once I got home I prayed fervently, through tears, that there was some hope of a miracle.<br />
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Exactly 1 hour later my phone rang and my heart skipped a beat. Dr. Oakes' office. I took a deep breath and said hello. It was Dr. Oakes herself. Immediately the tears streamed down my face. I knew. She asked how I was and I lied. I said okay. <br />
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She told me she was floored. Completely stunned. My test was negative and our embryo failed to implant. Her words only partly stuck with me as I was trying to compose myself enough to comment. She said that typically she doesn't say very much during transfer because she doesn't want to give any sense of false hope because transfers DO fail. But she told me that our embryo just looked perfect. It thawed beautifully, transferred very well, and she fully expected it to be a success. She reiterated to me the fact that approximately 40% of embryos are chromosomally or genetically abnormal. She feels that, in her words, "We just didn't choose the right one".<br />
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I couldn't think of any words to say. No questions to ask. My tender heart was broken. She went on to say that she feels our protocol was perfect and that we are welcome to transfer again next cycle, or wait it out until we are ready. She invited Josh and/or I to call her and ask any questions or voice any concerns at any time and she would make the time to talk to us about what is next.<br />
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I thanked her, she told me, "Today is a bad day, take care of yourself". I hung up and just stared forward. Now what? I made my way to the couch and after sitting down I let out the biggest, ugliest sob that I'd been holding in for days. I had never felt so alone in my life. My husband was at work and I felt like I was literally going to fall apart. I didn't expect the news to devastate me in that moment quite like it did. I cried and after composing myself just enough, I called Josh. News I didn't want to deliver over the phone, but I had no other choice. He didn't answer and so I sat there with tears streaming down my face.<br />
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Eventually I picked myself back up and started distracting myself with laundry and by getting ready for work. Then Josh called and I <i>dreaded</i> talking to him. I wanted nothing more than for him to rush home and be with me. Even more-so I didn't want him to be alone. I knew how I felt and it crushed my heart to think that he may feel the same way yet be surrounded by his students unable to process the news.<br />
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I answered and stuttered to tell him. We didn't exchange many words, but I know that we could both tell by each others voices that we were heartbroken. It killed me that I couldn't come home that night so that we could be together. I hated to know we would both be alone. I cried the entire way to work and as I got closer put on a mask that hid the devastation I was feeling in my heart. Work was the best distraction.<br />
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We've been doing better since Tuesday when we found out, but our hearts still hurt. We continue to grieve for our little embryo, we grieve for all of the time lost, the time taken off of work, we grieve for the money we spent, we grieve for the seemingly perfect timeline that could have been, we grieve knowing that we could have been 4 weeks along, we grieve for the future that we thought we had started. We just grieve.<br />
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I find myself doing mostly okay, but I have moments of sadness and I've had quite a few moments of being angry and bitter that this didn't work out. I've been talking to another women who had the same timeline for her FET that we did. Her's also did not work and she has been a wonderful resource for me as we both struggle to understand the why's and as we try to figure out what to do next.<br />
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Keeping this transfer journey quiet was good in theory but we realize how lonely it has made us feel after we found out that it did not work. It's made me realize how much I appreciate the support and how thankful I am of the support of family and friends as we take each step. It's hard to know when to share and where to draw the line because all of this is so incredibly emotional and personal. But again, we are constantly made aware of how amazing our support system is.<br />
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I am so thankful to walk this path with my husband. While work has kept us apart, he's been the only person I've really wanted to be around as no one knows this journey better than him. I'm thankful for the weekend to spend some quality time together to focus on us and to continue to move forward.<br />
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Josh and I have had a couple of opportunities to talk about what our next steps are going to be. The conversations have been good but the decisions to make are so difficult and must come so quickly. We will be going through with another FET before the end of this year the question we must quickly face is when. We also have the difficult decision of how many embryos to transfer, as she has given us the option of 1 or 2. We appreciate many thoughts and prayers of guidance for us. For us to know in our hearts the answers to the decisions that we face.<br />
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The journey is not over for us, we've just hit another step in the process that we will overcome. The end result is becoming even sweeter and so much more special for us. It's an end result that we absolutely cannot wait for.<br />
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Nikki Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05691761384074771911noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32220596389295570.post-60056618447508042852019-10-22T19:31:00.000-06:002019-10-22T19:31:06.841-06:00How Many to Transfer?Throughout this process a super common question that both Josh and I have been asked is<br />
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"How many are you going to transfer?!"</div>
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I thought I'd do a quick post to address this as there are so many misconceptions about how the entire IVF process works and how transfer works. After we tell friends that we have 9 frozen embryos we have to giggle because it is surprising the number of people who think that they get transferred all at the same time! They ask us if we will end up like Octomom or something! I am relieved to say that it is pretty rare to transfer more than 2, SOMETIMES 3 embryos at a time.<br />
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Each of the embryos are frozen separately and therefore they are able to be thawed individually. The goal of my RE, and most REs out there, is to give the patient the best chance of a live birth with few to no complications. With that being said, most women have the best chance with only transferring one, sometimes 2 depending on the reason for the infertility.<br />
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In our case, it was recommended for us to only transfer one embryo unless we were dead set on two. Josh and I both thought about doing two, and we thought about the possibility of twins. It could be a lot of fun, and you get two for the price of one! BUT we decided that we wanted to do what our RE said was going to give us the best chance at a successful transfer and pregnancy. So far all of the steps that we have taken to get where we are have went according to plan and so hopefully one will do it!<br />
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I have learned that just because you transfer multiple embryos it does NOT increase the success rate of the transfer, instead it just increases the chance of multiples. Furthermore the more embryos that you transfer the greater the chance of complications throughout your pregnancy if they all implant successfully.<br />
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The thought of carrying twins scares me, especially because of my health history. I don't really <i>want</i> to carry two babies in my belly at one time anyway! Ha! And the thought of actually raising twins in the beginning is also really scary... first time parents responsible for TWO lives. You also have double the cost of everything all at one time and that within itself is intimidating!<br />
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So with all of that being said, we decided to only transfer one embryo. If, for some reason, this little embaby doesn't make it, it may be recommended to transfer two, but we will always go with the doctors recommendation of what will be best for us! If we are ever blessed with twins, we would be scared but absolutely overjoyed at the opportunity!Nikki Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05691761384074771911noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32220596389295570.post-72782019629482879442019-10-02T18:33:00.000-06:002019-10-02T18:33:29.853-06:00Our little EmbryosLife since egg retrieval has been much better than expected! It has definitely been filled with a lot of suspense as we have waited for each call, but recovery wise it has been so good!<br />
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I have heard horror stories of recovery post retrieval so I tried to expect and prepare for the worse. The day of the retrieval I had some cramping and discomfort but I didn't have to take any medication for it other than what they gave me at the hospital before I was discharged. I woke up Saturday feeling pretty well and we drove the 4 hours home. By the time I got home I was fairly uncomfortable from the bumps and sitting up for so long. Sunday I took it fairly easy and by Monday I returned to work. I was probably feeling about 90% on Monday and by Tuesday I was feeling 100%!<br />
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Saturday I woke up so early and couldn't go back to sleep. I'm sure a lot of that was in anticipation of the phone call from the clinic telling us how many of my eggs were mature and how many fertilized. She called close to 11:00 and told us that out of the 13 eggs that were retrieved, 12 were mature, and 11 (!!!) fertilized!! Both Josh and I were so happy. That is such a great number to start with and gives us really good odds for having enough embryos to work with at the end!<br />
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She told me that they would call back on day 5 to let us know how many embryos made it to the blastocyst stage to be able to be frozen for a transfer later on.<br />
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Today is Wednesday and I got the call! We have at least <b><i>EIGHT</i></b> little 5-day embabies in the freezer waiting for us! 8 is an incredible number and so many more than I could have asked for and more than I dreamed of having. I am over the moon happy and excited! We have 3 embryos that they put back in the incubator for one more day. They have a 50/50 chance to make it to freeze, so we could potentially have as many as 11 embryos waiting for us.... Tomorrow will tell!<br />
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Nikki Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05691761384074771911noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32220596389295570.post-31051591470095649712019-09-27T17:04:00.001-06:002019-09-27T17:21:33.397-06:00A Bakers Dozen<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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We made it! It has been a rough couple of days but we made it to egg retrieval day! Wednesday after my panic attack I felt much better after chatting with the nurse and her easing my mind that everything was looking good for retrieval on Friday. I went to my sister-in-law's house, took a nice nap and woke up SUPER congested. Great! My husband is finally feeling human again after a respiratory infection had him miserable this last week. Seems to be that we swapped bugs!! So by Wednesday night I was feeling fairly awful and I'm pretty sure I had another low grade fever. We had to stay up until 11PM to do my Trigger shot of Lupron.<br />
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I was so nervous about Josh giving me the injection! Do you see a pattern of how much I like to be in control of my situations?! I had him practice on a tomato and we watched a couple of YouTube videos of IM injections. Here are a few pics my sister-in-law snapped of us learning:</div>
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I do have to give hubby props - he did so good! He told me exactly what he was doing the entire time which really helped me relax. I honestly didn't really even feel it other than the poke at the beginning! Piece of cake! </div>
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I woke up on Thursday absolutely miserable again. I had some pretty bad nausea all night and woke up with major nausea, headache and feeling like my head might explode from the pressure. I took a hot shower and hubby was kind enough to get up and drive me to the clinic for repeat labs yesterday morning. Got to the clinic and was able to talk with the nurse a little bit. She assured me that, minus the head cold, the nausea was pretty normal to be experiencing at this stage. Suggested I rest and load up on water!</div>
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Went back to the house and slept for a bit and got the call back that the trigger shot worked, labs looked good, and we were for sure on for Friday retrieval! </div>
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So fast forward to this morning.... We made some babies with a lot of love and even more science!</div>
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The nurse that I had was fabulous - definitely above and beyond what I expect from a nurse when I'm in a pretty uncomfortable situation and a little bit nervous. Thanks, Bernice!!<br />
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Retrieval went well, she said my follicles were difficult to get into, but other than that it went according to plan. We retrieved 13 eggs which is a great number to start out with! I was a little disappointed as I really thought we would get more considering that I started out with about 20 follicles... but I keep reminding myself that in the end it is <b><u>quality</u></b> over <b><u>quantity</u></b>. I will be extremely happy if we get at least 5 embabies to freeze. A couple of babies plus a couple of extra embryos should we need them due to implantations failures (God forbid). </div>
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After retrieval we quickly stopped by Walmart to get a heating pad, some drinks, and a cozy blanket for me to wrap up with. I took a nap this afternoon to let the pain medication wear off and I've been relaxing and drinking fluids! I'm feeling pretty good, just some cramping and an achy feeling that is pretty constant, but the heat is helping significantly and honestly I can't say that it is that bad!</div>
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Tomorrow morning we will get the an update with how many eggs were fertilized via <a href="https://www.reproductivefacts.org/news-and-publications/patient-fact-sheets-and-booklets/documents/fact-sheets-and-info-booklets/what-is-intracytoplasmic-sperm-injection-icsi/?_ga=2.1529265.1872003620.1569625322-144487805.1569625322" target="_blank">ICSI</a> which is a standard procedure at our clinic. My fingers and toes are crossed that we get most if not all to fertilize Then we will hear back by the end of next week on how many made it to blastocysts to freeze! I don't know if I'll be able to handle myself with the wait, but then again... IVF is full of waiting!!</div>
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Nikki Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05691761384074771911noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32220596389295570.post-53810283395248468742019-09-25T09:27:00.001-06:002019-09-25T09:32:19.635-06:00Trigger Day!This last week has simultaneously zoomed by and lasted forever. I have had a ton of back and forth trips to Lincoln in the evenings for an early morning drive to Omaha for monitoring appointments. To be honest, I can't really even tell you what day it is today with any kind of certainty!<br />
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I knew that this was going to require a lot of my personal time, but I honestly didn't think that my life was going to completely revolve around medications, injections, lab work, ultrasounds and the works. I know that if I lived in Omaha life could continue on as normal as possible, but having to drive to Omaha really limits how much I am able to work and be home. I'm incredibly thankful that I have been able to take off this whole week to focus on growing and maturing some eggs! It has also been really nice to have a full week off of work. It is definitely not how I would prefer to spend it as I'd much rather be vacationing in the mountains or taking another trip to Utah, but since we had to cancel our vacation this summer to save for IVF, mentally I really needed this break. I hope that I am able to regroup and come back to work refreshed enough to start digging through the piles and getting everything caught up so that we can do this again come transfer time!<br />
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So a huge shout-out to all of my employees for stepping up and maintaining the lab while I'm gone. Thanks for allowing me the break to start my family and to not feel like I have to stress out about not being there. I owe you guys!!<br />
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Since the last time I wrote I have had a couple repeat scans. Monday's went pretty well. I had about 5 follicles that were ready but roughly 15 that were still young and needed to mature so my doctor felt like it'd be best to continue my stims and add in an additional injection to prevent ovulation of the big follicles and to allow the other follicles to catch up.<br />
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So I drove back to McCook on Monday after my appointment and spent all day on Tuesday catching up on the dishes piled high in my kitchen, sweeping the piles of dog hair away, and getting some laundry caught up. This not being home thing has really caught up to me! I overdid it a little bit so I was relieved to be able to sit and relax on the drive back to Lincoln Tuesday night.<br />
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I had another scan this morning and it just really caught me off guard. I think the clinic had quite a bit going on and so the wait was pretty long to go back even though I got there earlier than usual. That didn't exactly help my anxiety :) For some reason I was more nervous than I have been, probably because this is the scan that tells us if we can proceed!! With all of my past scans my doctor has done them. I've been able to ask questions during and she takes the time to explain the results of the scan with me and what they mean. It's really helped my anxiety and has allowed me to feel comfortable and not really sweat it. But today a different lady came in to do my scan. Totally fine, but her body language was a little harsh and she never introduced herself to me. I'm going to be honest, I have NO IDEA who she was! My best guess is an assistant of my doctor? She said hello to me, asked me if I had my lupron, and then at the end told me they'd meet me outside. That was literally all she said to me. SOO that raised my anxiety a bit and just made me really uneasy.<br />
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I did get to see Dr. Oakes briefly after the scan. She told me that things looked good and that we are good to trigger tonight! For those of you not savvy in IVF speak, this means that at a very specific time tonight, exactly 36 hours before egg retrieval, I will do an injection that will trigger the final maturation process of the eggs and allow them to release at the correct time on Friday when we officially have the egg retrieval. Tomorrow morning I will go in for labs one more time to make sure that the trigger actually worked like it was supposed to and if everything looks good FRIDAY IS THE DAY!<br />
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After I got out to my car I started getting nervous and a little panicky. By the time I got out on the highway I started getting tears in my eyes. I decided that I probably needed to find a place to park so I found a parking lot and pulled over. By the time I got into the parking lot I started having a nice panic attack. Great. The fear of the unknown started creeping up and just completely overwhelmed me (and of course the extra hormones soaring through my body didn't help). All of these What-If situations keep playing around in my head. I think part of that is because I didn't know exactly what the scan showed other than the follicles that were measured, and to me they still seemed a little small.<br />
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What if the trigger injection doesn't work?</div>
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What if my eggs don't mature enough?</div>
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What if we are triggering too early?</div>
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What if. What if. What if. </div>
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[A huge thanks to my sister for responding to me super quick when I sent her a message that said, "I need someone to TALK ME DOWN." She's always been good about responding right away and just listening to me when I need to verbally work things out.]<br />
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It is so hard to just let go and trust the process. I DO trust my doctor. She has done this countless times and is excellent in what she does. She knows more than I do... she knows more than google does. This is why she has a degree and does what she does. I have to be okay and know that she is doing everything as it is should be. Everything is going to be okay and even if it's not, it is NOT the end of the world, just another bump in the road. If it doesn't work out, it is just another piece of the puzzle of why we can't conceive.<br />
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Even if = Faith</td></tr>
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So as I'm sobbing in my car in the parking lot of Scooters, I told myself that if I want my morning coffee I needed to stop it, pull myself together, and stop thinking like this. I reminded myself of when I freaked out 2 Friday's ago when I thought we were going to have a cancelled cycle how how <i><b>it all worked out</b> </i>and I spent the weekend emotionally exhausted for nothing.<br />
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So I am currently just waiting to hear back from my clinic about the timing of my trigger shot tonight and am anxiously waiting my husband to arrive tonight. I have been so thankful for all of the support that we have gotten. But I'm tired of doing this all alone, physically alone... with no one by my side. I've gotten along okay, but am beginning to feel quite nervous as I am back to not really knowing what to expect with retrieval on Friday. Going to try to distract myself today with a movie at the theater and I am going to try to accomplish some more on my new crochet project later this afternoon until my niece and nephew get home from school! That's a super good perk of staying in Lincoln, I've gotten to see a lot of my sister-in-law and those two munchkins. Lifts my spirits up!<br />
<br />Nikki Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05691761384074771911noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32220596389295570.post-1310650864431878732019-09-20T16:18:00.000-06:002019-09-20T16:18:16.804-06:00Looking "Eggcellent"Whew! What a bumpy ride I've had so far!!<div>
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On Monday I started the Follistim and by Tuesday night I was miserably sick with a low grade fever, chills, sweats, and the works. I felt like I had the flu which really concerned me. I wasn't sure if being sick could affect the process or if I was having some horrible reaction to the medication. I was reading the package insert of the meds and a "serious side effect" of flu-like symptoms was listed with the recommendation to call your doctor immediately. Great. </div>
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So I got on the phone and they got me in touch with the on call fertility doctor at the clinic. She reassured me that it was probably a huge coincidence and that I probably just caught something going around. What horrible timing! So all of Tuesday night and Wednesday morning I was feeling like death, but by Wednesday evening I was feeling like an entirely different person! Whatever I had it ravaged my body very quickly and left quickly as well. </div>
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Other than that, I have been doing really well! Day's 1-3 I haven't had any symptoms at all from the medication. Today is day 4 and I can definitely feel my ovaries when I bend left or right and I've been getting some minor cramping and twinges from them as well. It hasn't been a big deal and to be honest, it is kind of a relief to actually feel something because I know that the medication is working. </div>
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Today I had my first monitoring appointment. Things are looking great! I've got 8-10 follicles on each ovary ranging from about 10-13mm each which is an excellent number to begin with! I have a couple of bigger follicles and a few smaller ones as well, but they might not amount to anything, only time will tell! My doctor was very pleased with how I'm progressing. My Estrogen level is fairly high and so she changed my "Trigger" medication that will trigger the eggs to release when we need them to for the retrieval. For those of you IVF-savvy it was changed from an HCG trigger to a Lupron only trigger which should reduce my risk of OHSS.</div>
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Each follicle should house one egg... so we are looking at an estimated egg count of around 20 as of right now. Not all of those eggs will be mature, not all will fertilize, and not all will make it to the important blastocyst stage that they need to to freeze. So just because we get 20 eggs doesn't mean that we will have 20 embryos to work with... only time can tell. But my RE reassures me that it is a great number to work with. :) </div>
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I go back for another ultrasound and more labwork on Monday and we will go from there! Hopefully the follicles continue to grow at a steady pace. We are looking at an estimated retrieval on Wednesday or Thursday... it continues to get SO REAL!</div>
Nikki Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05691761384074771911noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32220596389295570.post-61396986181560089222019-09-16T20:07:00.001-06:002019-09-16T20:11:38.935-06:00It's Stimming Time!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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If you didn't already know.... I am a planner by nature. I like having every little detail lined out. I like being in control. Infertility doesn't offer control, I've learned that very quickly. When things don't quite go as I have planned them to, my anxiety goes through the roof. So naturally, when I found out on Friday there was a huge potential of this cycle being cancelled my mind went into overdrive. I had an overwhelmingly emotional weekend just knowing that it wasn't going to go to plan. <br />
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I had a few good cries and left for Lincoln Sunday late afternoon. I downloaded a couple of different audio books and actually had a very relaxing drive. Very early Monday morning I got back on the road to Omaha for walk in clinic hours at my clinic. </div>
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Just walking into the building I felt sooo much more at ease than I did on Friday when I went for my first baseline scans and labs. There is a familiarity that relaxed me greatly. I didn't have to wait very long until I got back and Dr. Oakes came in the room. Knowing that she was going to be the one doing the scans made me feel better as it gave me the perfect opportunity to talk with her and have any questions answered that I had.</div>
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[Side Note: I just love my RE. She is so down to earth, compassionate, straight forward. I can't say enough good things about my experience with her!]</div>
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It didn't take long for her to say that we were definitely good to start! My exactl words, with a frown on my face, were "Wait, really?!" She explained to me what she was looking for and told me that she was comfortable with continuing on. That turned my entire mood around. I mean I was so prepared to start over again that I ordered more birth control in on Saturday to be prepared to take my first dose today.... I am so glad that I can put it on the shelf for a while! </div>
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So after signing a bunch of papers and getting a schedule for the next 5 days, I headed for home. Once I got home I couldn't stop pacing and smiling. I am just so happy and excited that it is FINALLY our turn. I know that there may be several more bumps in the road. This is only the first step. It all depends on how I respond to determine where we go from here. But if all goes according to plan we will be retrieving the eggs sometime late next week and then move on to the next step!</div>
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So for the next week or so I will be giving myself an injection of Follistim each night to stimulate the follicles in my ovaries! Repeat labs and ultrasound will occur periodically with some additional injections added in until the follicles are big enough and then we will schedule the retrieval.</div>
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I gave myself the first injection tonight and it went well! I had some confusion figuring out how to assemble the little vial of medication into the injection pen, but we got it done! The needle didn't hurt at all and the medication didn't sting or anything going in. A little burning at the site for about 3-4 minutes after, but super mild. I hope I am a good responder because as of right now my dosage of stim meds is really low and only one medication. Fingers crossed we can keep it this way!!</div>
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Nikki Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05691761384074771911noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32220596389295570.post-15889806924423449112019-09-13T18:56:00.001-06:002019-09-13T18:56:33.402-06:00Baseline Blues<br />
I haven't really decided how or where I'm going to share parts of our IVF journey [or if I even will at all...] But my blog feels like an appropriate place to journal with quick snippets here and there on Instagram. Honestly there hasn't been much to share quite yet. With infertility there is more, far much more, waiting than action.<br /><br />But there are times I just need to write, not necessarily for anyone else, but for myself. [[I always figure if it helps someone else going through it then it is just a bonus.]] And right now I just need to get real about the emotion of all of this.<br /><br />Today I had my baseline labs and ultrasound done by a clinic that my doctor works with for patients who are not local to Omaha. I finally got the call with the results that I'd been anxiously waiting for all day. The nurse said that I have a couple of cysts on my ovaries and as of right now we can't continue with the schedule as planned.<br /><br />Unfortunately she told me that a lot of the scans that they have been receiving from this clinic have not been very good and that I'm left with two choices.... to start on another cycle of birth control or to travel to Omaha and repeat the scan and labwork on Monday to try and get a clearer picture. I decided to do the later.<br /><br />This is all really screwing with my emotions tonight because once again it puts us in a "gray area" and another wait and see situation... a good probability of a cancelled cycled and another month's delay.<br /><br />▪︎A little back story▪︎<br /><br />I have been on birth control for the last 3 weeks to suppress my ovaries so that all the follicles start out at roughly the same size and to reduce the possibility of cysts forming. This allows the medication to do its job growing the follicles to house the eggs in preparation for the egg retrieval. I was scheduled to start my injections of stimulation hormones around Sunday with monitoring throughout the week and retrieval the last full week of September.<br /><br />I thought that today I would get my "set" schedule and have a much better idea what my work schedule and my life would look like for the next 2-3 weeks. We have been waiting for this moment for the last 3 months and right as we thought we had finally got there, I'm being told there is a real possibility we have to cancel this cycle and wait it out again.<br /><br />Part of me feels that we've been waiting over 2 years to start a family, what is another month... but the real fact is that when you have such a strong desire to become a mom and a dad it's a devastating moment to realize you have to wait another month when you've finally come so close to starting. Those months start to feel like a lifetime after a while.<br /><br />Let's get real. I don't really want to do this. I don't want to do any of this... all the appointments, the needles, more needles, all the tests.... But the reality is that I want the chance to be a mother to my biological child or children and so I have to do this and I'm willing to do this to make that a possibility.<div>
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I just wish that the will to do this made it easier. I knew this journey was going to be emotional, but I'm now just beginning to understand <i>why</i> it becomes so emotional and how emotional it can really be. Not only do you have all of the ups and downs, but it is just a very lonely journey. Not many people understand and I don't expect anyone to try.... you can't truly understand unless you have also been through it. For this reason I am incredibly thankful for the online support groups I have found.</div>
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But from someone going through infertility to the family, friends, and support systems out there... check in on your gals from time to time... and check in on their spouses, too. Genuinely ask them HOW THEY are doing and take the time to listen. There is so much more to all of this than how the appointment went yesterday, or what the next step is next week, or when the next injection is.... The mental health aspect of this is real and we need to be given the chance to talk about our emotions, too. If we feel comfortable talking about it we will open up to you. If we're not quite there yet, ask again in a couple of days and we might finally be ready to share. </div>
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Don't necessarily take our silence as a hint that we want you to back off (I'll tell you if I'd rather you not ask about it :).... Each appointment and each step in this process has a lot of information to it that just takes a bit to process. Personally, sometimes I <b>need</b> to share right after I find out new information... but other times I need to let it sink in and process it all before I talk about it. Sometimes I need a good cry about it (okay or maybe 4) before I'm ready to share *coughlikethisblogpost*</div>
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So with all of that being said... on Monday I'll push myself to go to another appointment, to get another set of labs drawn, and to hopefully hear some kind of information from my doctor that will put this into more perspective and have a new timeline to follow through the next cycle. </div>
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But for now... #IVFGotThis</div>
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Nikki Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05691761384074771911noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32220596389295570.post-84117442971028540352018-03-26T19:47:00.000-06:002018-03-26T19:47:26.665-06:00Remembering NachoI knew there would come a day that we'd have to say goodbye to Nacho and honestly I'm surprised this day didn't come years ago. His health has declined quite significantly since Spence passed away. It was a little slower at first, but then picked up speed as his joints grew stiffer, his appetite grew smaller, and his wish to sleep away the day and not budge outweighed all other options during the day and night.<br />
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He's been living with my parents since Spencer died and has bonded with mom, and about mom only. My mom and sister visited me last weekend and mentioned that they thought they'd have to put him down. I didn't say too much, kind of avoiding the topic and stating that I knew the time would come. I changed the subject fairly quickly because I didn't really want to think about it.<br />
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But mom sent me a text message that said tomorrow was going to have to be the day. His white cell count is off the charts high and his liver and kidney's are failing. She desired to take him home one last night and love on him all that she could before tomorrow. I appreciate that very much. That text message just hit me kind of unexpectedly. I didn't really have any wave of emotion but tears welded up in my eyes and started to roll down my cheek. I knew it'd affect me, I just haven't wanted to think about it.<br />
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It's really hard to not feel like another little piece of Spencer is going with Nacho. Little by little it feels like he slips further and further away. Friends of his die taking cherished memories along with them. possessions get forgotten, given away, and those not needed thrown away. Pictures get pushed back into the gallery as new ones replace them. My own memories fade and become lost in time seemingly impossible to capture before some day they feel like they'll all be gone... and with each thing I lose that once belonged to Spencer, what once was continues to feel like a far away dream.<br />
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I have never seen love between a dog and his owner like I saw between Spencer and Nacho. Spencer rescued him one day at the shelter. He sent me a picture of a very scruffy looking dog that, honestly, kind of looked like a rat! I just laughed and told Spence he was crazy, especially after he chose to name him Nacho... but somehow the name Nacho just fit him.<br />
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Nacho claimed both Spencer and his mom, Pam, and there wasn't anyone who dared come between them! Because Spence was frequently in the hospital they were separated a lot. For awhile we got "special" privileges for Nacho to not only visit him, but to spend the night. In fact I'm about convinced that we were the reason they put stricter pet policies in place on his ward :) But honestly, I have no regrets. Spencer lit up so bright when I brought Nacho to visit. He became a different person and his outlook changed completely when Nacho showed up.<br />
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I easily became the "bad guy" with Cho. Spence spoiled him crazy! I was the one who made him go out into the rain to potty. I was the one who spanked him when he went inside of the house. I was the one he associated with Spencer leaving. He didn't like me all that much. But when Spencer was gone he sucked up to me, which was a nice relief.<br />
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Nacho loved lounging in the sun outside. But his favorite place to lay was in Spencer's lap, even better if he had a blanket to burrow under!! He tolerated a lot of things Spencer did to him, like dress him up in his shirts and making him dance to be just a couple things!<br />
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When Spencer got admitted into the hospital the final time I think there was a part of Nacho that knew his human wasn't coming home. I spent most of my days at the hospital and had our landlord and friend Sally care for him most days I was gone. He was left with Spencer's mom and brothers a lot as well. Because of strict ICU policies Nacho wasn't able to visit for the first couple of months. It wasn't until we got to go to the ICU step down unit and that Spencer was put on palliative care that they bent the rules for us.<br />
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I was able to bring Nacho to the hospital to see Spencer for the first time in nearly three months and I promise you there were tears all around. To see such a special bond be reunited was incredible and so, so heart wrenching at the same time, knowing it would be their very last reunion. Nacho got SO happy and could hardly contain himself. Once he got settled down he slept by Spencer the entire afternoon as Spencer petted him and slept as well.<br />
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I feel guilty for not caring for Nacho after Spencer died and I feel guilty I haven't done more for him, visited more, or just generally taking him in as my own. I'm so thankful my mom was kind enough to care for him. He really sucked up to her and she's about the only person he'll tolerate. I'm always afraid that he'll forget me each time I come home. But he doesn't! His little tail will wag so fast and he just can't wait for me to come and pet him. Of course he growls, but I know there is the familiarity there. Each time I'm home I made it a point to put him in my lab and cuddle with him, just like Spence would. I'll miss that.<br />
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Even though Cho and I didn't get a long the best... I'll miss that little growling mutt. I'll miss the memories he brings and the snuggles he gives when I'm home.<br />
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Thanks for being such a great companion to Spence, little dog. Give him some extra love for me when you get up there with him, okay?<br />
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<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11353540291064637374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32220596389295570.post-86313510179386840332018-01-13T08:46:00.001-07:002018-01-13T08:46:44.832-07:00Angry IntestinesComing into the knew year I wasn't feeling the best and so I knew it would start out with quickly figuring out how to get my intestinal health on the right track. I just didn't know it'd come so fast.<br />
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I don't write about my personal health issues very much on my blog. Largely because I have been very fortunate to not have any symptoms, and some because when things get bad I use Facebook and CaringBridge to share with friends and family to avoid having to repeat myself time and time again.<br />
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When I was 11 years old, in 2001, I was diagnosed with a form of inflammatory bowel disease called Crohn's Disease. After much debate and slight uncertainty my diagnosis was changed from Crohn's to Ulcerative Colitis (UC) limited to my lower colon. As I said, I've been very fortunate with how my health has played out (although when I'm sick I don't feel fortunate!). I've only had 3 *major* flare-ups in my 17 years of living with this disease.<br />
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<i style="font-weight: bold;">Side note: </i>I CANNOT believe I have had this for <i style="font-weight: bold;">17 years</i>!<br />
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The last flare I had was in 2013 and it was very severe. I scared myself with how ill I got, how much weight I lost, and how quickly things progressed. I participated in a clinical trial and when that failed and I pulled out of it early it was recommended that I consult with a surgeon to remove my colon. Obviously this is not something I EVER want to have to face and it was terrifying for me. Luckily I consulted and got a second opinion from another specialist who was willing to try a couple of minor treatments to see if it helped me get over the hump to avoid surgery. I'm happy to say it worked and for the last 4 years overall I have been pretty healthy.<br />
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I tend to get "seasonal" flareups when the seasons change from fall to winter; many of us do. I feel rough for a month or two and my symptoms develop and increase, but then once winter gets into full force the symptoms die down and I feel myself again. However this time things aren't going as expected. I started feeling rough again late October and thought it'd all get better early to mid December. But my symptoms are just increasing and this last week I've felt exceptionally rough.<br />
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After a really rough day, I made an appointment with our local general surgeon to get a colonoscopy done as soon as possible. See, I'm supposed to be getting scopes done every 1 to 2 years to make sure my intestinal tissue is healthy and I am not developing polyps or any other nasty thing. Due to insurance, money, and time I haven't been scoped since 2013 sooo I am long overdue.<br />
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My appointment with him went very well and he agreed that the best step to take is to look and see what is going on in my colon. We suspect increased inflammation and a consult with my GI specialist to get back on a treatment plan with some new medications.<br />
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But as always, I always get reminded of the reality of living with a chronic disease like UC. After 8-10 years of having IBD the risk of colon cancer increases significantly. With patients, like me, who specifically have ulcerative colitis, that risk is even greater because the disease activity is limited to the colon, whereas Crohn's disease patients can have inflammation anywhere in the GI tract. Each year after year 10, the risk, as you might assume, continues to increase. I am nearly 20 years out and I was gently reminded that I am in a very high risk category to develop colon cancer.<br />
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No, this doesn't mean that I WILL get cancer (and I have to keep reminding myself this), and my doctor told me that only once has he diagnosed a patient under the age of 35 with colon cancer (who also has IBD <15 years), but that the yearly screens are critical to me decreasing my risk and catching a dysplasia early to prevent it progressing into cancer. With that being said, I'd lie if I said I wasn't concerned or nervous to what he'll find in a couple of weeks. I haven't been scoped in several years, so it's a little concerning. I have had a history of a lot pseudo-polyps suggesting that I've had a significant amount of inflammation and healing. Thankfully I don't think I've ever actually had a polyp, so I'm trying to stay optimistic that he won't find any this time, either.<br />
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I scheduled my scope for the 23rd and will follow up with my GI in Colorado following it. He said that he will be taking extensive biopsies throughout my colon to check for any abnormalities as a preventative measure. This assures me he has my best interests in mind and I'm so glad he is real with me and lays out all my risks and options going forth.<br />
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While I'm a little nervous for all of this, as I always am, I'm also ready to get the ball rolling and finally get back on track with regular screenings and maintenance of my disease. This was a goal of mine in 2018, so the earlier I can get it done, the more I can get accomplished this year! Update to follow when I finally learn what's going on inside of these angry intestines :)Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11353540291064637374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32220596389295570.post-58299283122899540202018-01-06T16:50:00.001-07:002018-01-06T16:52:39.895-07:00Just Keep Working OutThis week has reminded me why it's so important to quit stopping and starting workout routines! I think back to where I was a year ago.... even just 6 months ago! I started going to the gym in North Platte and got into a good routine of consistently doing SOMETHING to keep me active. After moving back home it was harder to stick with it, but my husband and I usually would try to take a walk in the evenings together... we even got into a stint that we'd go running (it didn't last but more than a couple of months).<br />
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But then our wedding came and went and I started working full time. I didn't have anything specific to work towards (like fitting in my wedding dress!) and it was exhausting trying to get into the work routine. I'd wake up at 5am, spend an hour driving to work, 10.5 hours at work, and then an hour driving home to get home at 6:30 or 7pm. All motivation to exercise after that is gone... and it hasn't gotten better, especially now since I also take call. </div>
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I'm slowly trying to get back into that routine. Right now it's as simple as hitting 10,000 steps each day this month. Because that's how <i style="font-weight: bold;">not active</i> I've been. At work that's been pretty easy. My lowest was 10,006 and my highest was 13,295. Overall, I'm proud of not only my activity level but my eating habits as well.... But this weekend has been a completely different story.</div>
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After a long week of being on my feet and, basically just working and sleeping, I want nothing more than to sit on the couch and watch Netflix, crochet, or read. It takes <i>a lot</i> of conscience effort to get up and move, and even when I do it doesn't amount to very many steps! It's quite cold outside so it's pretty hard to will myself out the door when I don't have to. Today I feel like I'm going to be lucky to get over 6K steps in which I'm not too proud of, but I'll have to get creative tomorrow to get myself moving more! </div>
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I did get on the elliptical for 15 minutes early this afternoon so that I didn't feel like I was being a <i>complete</i> couch potato. That's when I was REALLY reminded that I should never completely stop working out and being active. It is horrible trying to get back into a routine. It was embarrassing how difficult it was to sweat out those 15 minutes. Yikes! </div>
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I am still a part of Beach Body and so I downloaded the On Demand app onto my phone and would like to pick a workout to do each day, especially if I can't get my 10k step in. Maybe after I get this exercise thing figured out again I can try to do the 21 day fix. </div>
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I did that last February and it is the first thing that I've done that has actually WORKED. I wasn't super compliant about it, but I did eat significantly better, I didn't starve myself of food, and I was working out each day. I felt really good about myself after doing that, and I'm so sad that I stopped. </div>
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I have to keep reminding myself that <b>it takes time</b>. If I jump into it full force and too fast (like I always do) I get so frustrated with myself and I never see it to completion. This time I want it to be different. This time I want to go all the way and by the end of the year look back at all I've accomplished with my fitness and health goals and be proud! </div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11353540291064637374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32220596389295570.post-78070581597787171822018-01-02T09:14:00.003-07:002018-01-02T09:14:53.202-07:00In 2018...I can't say that I'm a huge fan of New Years resolutions. I don't think I've ever kept one that I've made. They are full of good intensions but are incredibly hard to keep. January 1st doesn't magically fix all the bad habits created over years and years time. I've learned that it's okay so set goals and resolutions, but it's a process and it takes time to get to where you want to be. Even when a day or even a week doesn't go as planned, it's not reason to give up. I've got a whole year to make the change - I think that's key to helping me stick with it.<br />
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I've been thinking of things I would like to improve upon this year and while I've come up with A LOT of things I want to change, I limited myself and decided to break them down in my monthly calendar with small manageable steps each month.<br />
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By the end of 2018 here is where I'd like to be!<br />
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<h3>
Health</h3>
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<li>Be fitter, stronger, and leaner and feel good about my body</li>
<li>Getting my disease in check and seeing the necessary doctors to make sure I'm healthy from head to toe</li>
</ul>
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Financial</h3>
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<ul>
<li>Set back (<i>at least</i>) $100 each month</li>
<li>Continue adding to retirement fund</li>
</ul>
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Travel</h3>
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<li>Two vacations with my husband; one being a week-long and one over a long weekend</li>
<li>Make a short trip to Utah</li>
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Relationship</h3>
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<li>Being more open with my husband</li>
<li>Going on at least one date a month together</li>
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Personal</h3>
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<li>Less screen time and more time enjoying life through my own eyes</li>
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<li>Spend more time cooking, painting, crocheting, reading, being active etc</li>
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I think that the most challenging thing for me is going to be finding the motivation for my health goals and, believe it or not, the easiest will be my financial goals. I struggle with the rest of these and it will take a conscious effort each and every day to follow through. I hope that by breaking them down and keeping them where I see them every day it will help me be mindful of them all the time!</div>
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</style>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11353540291064637374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32220596389295570.post-4491222678547432632017-12-31T22:47:00.000-07:002018-01-01T11:04:43.377-07:002017 Year In ReviewEven though I don't post a lot in my blog anymore, I still like to try to reflect on my year and oh what a WONDERFUL year it has been! Honestly it's probably one of the best years that I've ever had.<br />
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January marked the downhill slide of schooling for me. I started my microbiology clinical rotation in North Platte and finished the rest of my rotations in McCook. Being in McCook allowed to me finally officially move "home" and was the first time I was able to live with Josh full time. Previously I was able to come home on the weekends, so it was such a nice change to spend more time with him. Clinical's were tough and required a lot of time but the end was near at the beginning of May!<br />
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The last week of school was intense. We had a couple of exams to take every day, a paper to write, resumes to complete, study questions to do, and a final exam over a random 500+ questions. To say it was a relief to be done with it all is an understatement!<br />
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I am so proud to say that I came out on top and graduated the MLT program with my associates degree AND the 4.0 GPA that I had strived for the entire 2 years! I proved to myself that not only do I have the ability to stick with it even when it seems impossible, but I'm able to do it above and beyond what I ever expect! This was a huge milestone for me and it'll be something that I'll always look back on and never regret. I'd like to say I'm DONE with school - but never say never... I may get the itch to get my bachelors one of these days. Yikes!<br />
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I took the weekend after graduation to relax, regroup, and prepare to hit the books incredibly hard for the next week. I scheduled my ASCP board exam a week after graduation. I wanted to do it while the material was still fresh in my mind. I also didn't want to drag it out too long because I knew the longer I waited, the more I'd freak out about passing... I was already nervous enough! That Monday I crammed like crazy for the next 5 days studying everything I could possibly know about microbiology, blood bank, hematology, urinalysis, immunology and everything in between. Early mornings and late nights led to exhaustion but it was ALL worth it!<br />
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I took my test on Saturday morning before heading to Lincoln for a couple family birthday celebrations. Taking that test was one of the hardest things I've done! I nearly had a panic attack a few different times after beginning it and I had to excuse myself about 20 minutes into it just to regroup and reassure myself that everything was okay, regardless of the outcome. I remember thinking the entire test that there was NO WAY I was going to pass. It was <i style="font-weight: bold;">HARD</i> and I kept getting the questions I least prepared for.<br />
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After answering the final question I had to take a few minutes to compose myself. I clicked through the next few screens and started to shake. The moment I hit the button that would preliminarily tell me if I passed or not I swear my heart just stopped. It seemed like minutes passed before I saw the word "<b>PASS</b>" come across the screen! I started shaking even more and I got the biggest smile on my face. I DID IT. It was finally over with. I was official. I was so giddy the next couple of hours, I couldn't get over how amazing it felt!!<br />
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But once the adrenaline wore down I was so exhausted and while the time in Lincoln was very fun, I couldn't wait to get back home to get some well deserved sleep and relaxation.<br />
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However there wasn't a whole lot of time for relaxation because the first part of the next week I finally started my first "big girl" job as an MLT. I had a wedding to pay for and desperately needed money as my savings had completely run dry. It's awesome working alongside with my mentors and those who encouraged me to go back to school to advance my career. I've learned SO much since becoming a tech and I'm excited to see where it takes me in the future.<br />
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Shortly after graduation Josh's aunts threw me a wonderful bridal shower! It made everything feel so real and I felt so special and loved that day. Josh and I got wonderful gifts and the place was decorated so nicely. So many details put into the decorations.<br />
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My mom, Tina, and Karen also threw me a small bridal shower. It was so thoughtful and really enjoying spending time with those close to me!<br />
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In July my sister-in-law, Beth, threw me a bachelorette party and holy cow was it fun! It was a small family affair as just my mom, Beth, and mother-in-law, Rita were able to go, but it turned out perfect! We went to Lincoln and met up at Corky Boards. We each picked out a design and painted our own signs while enjoying some wine and music. I would LOVE to go back sometime, I really enjoyed it!<br />
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We then went to our hotel and enjoyed snacks and drinks during happy hour while we had a chance and then went to our room, played a few games, and took some fun photos of which most I probably shouldn't post.<br />
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The night ended with food from Buzzard Billys, drinks from various places, and a nice big slushy from the Rail Yard to close it all out. So thankful that Beth planned such a fun time for me!</div>
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Then brings August - probably the BEST month of the year. On August 12th Josh and I got married! I need to do a blog post just about our wedding day, so I won't get too long winded here. But I will say it was such a perfect day. One of my best friends flew in from Utah, against all odds, to help me through the days leading up to the wedding and she was a God send! I honestly would have lost it if it weren't for her and those days wouldn't have been very enjoyable for me. But the day of everything came together so perfectly; I had my girls by my side, the weather just barely cooperated, and I married my best friend. </div>
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The Monday after we tied the knot Josh had to return to work so we didn't get the chance at a honeymoon right after. But we did plan a small one in September and it was wonderful! We stayed in Omaha for the first 2 nights. The first day we went to the zoo and spent roughly 7 hours walking around, feeding the giraffes, taking the skyfari, touching the sting rays, eating zoo food, and getting sunburnt. I have to say that the <i>best</i> moment at the zoo is when I discovered a <b>SLOTH! </b>These are by far my favorite animals. I got so excited I cried. </div>
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The second day of Omaha we explored downtown and ate at some good restaurants. I tried my very first oyster at Shucks, I can't say I'd order it if given the opportunity but it wasn't bad. On the way to our next stop in Lincoln, we stopped at the outlet malls outside of Omaha and shopped for several hours - a well deserved treat! He was such a trooper letting me shop until I dropped.</div>
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The next two nights were spent in Lincoln. We went to the Rutgers Husker game, walked around the Haymarket, ate at Rodizio's and Buzzard Billy's, and Blue, and overall had a wonderful time. The game was miserably hot so I didn't enjoy it as much as I could have, but it's become a tradition for Josh and I to go to one game a year. Thankfully we WON this game and we're exited to go to one next year with the new head coach!</div>
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To end September we added a new addition to our little family and gave Loki a feline companion. We adopted Thora and she's been so much fun to have around. She is certainly a little terror at times, but she is also the sweetest kitty and loves snuggles. Her and Loki get along so well and can't be separated. </div>
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In November I did about the most adult thing I feel like I've ever done - I bought a brand new car! I've been needing a car for quite some time. My old taurus just wasn't liking to start up in the cold temperatures and since I drive so much to and from work, I was really needing something reliable. I had driven a friends Honda Fit a few years ago and completely fell in love with it. Josh went with me to Janssen Cool Honda and we test drove a few different models. He agreed with me that the fit just had that perfect feel to it and the price was more than right! I didn't walk in there planning to buy, but everything fell into place that day and I drove home in a brand new (only 60 miles on it!) 2016 white Honda Fit, appropriately named Wanda. I LOVE it so much and I am so, <i style="font-weight: bold;">SO</i> proud of myself for being able to finally buy something! I am so appreciative of Josh and his support!</div>
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2017 didn't come without challenges, as most years don't. But this has been a hell of a good year for me and I am so excited for 2018. Another year of chances, opportunities, and moments to cherish. I really don't know what the upcoming year will bring - I have hopes but no big plans, so my goal is to just roll with what I'm given and to make the best of it all.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11353540291064637374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32220596389295570.post-37808280855022027962017-11-08T17:51:00.000-07:002017-11-11T17:51:51.017-07:00Day 8 - Technology<h2>
T e c h n o l o g y</h2>
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Holy cow where would we be without it?! Honestly, our world has become so tech-driven that it's extremely difficult to function without it. I am incredibly thankful for technology from the computer I'm writing this on, to my cell phone so I can communicate with my friends and family, all the way to the technological advances in healthcare! I, like nearly all others, have really become dependent and take advantage of technology that we don't realize how great we really have it!</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11353540291064637374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32220596389295570.post-2839011078281899462017-11-07T18:33:00.000-07:002017-11-11T17:52:09.755-07:00Day 7 - Purchase<h2>
P u r c h a s e</h2>
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No, no I didn't just get a new car, but it was really hard for me to come up with something to be thankful for today based off of the word "purchase"! I really haven't purchased anything within the last several months so I had to dig deep. I am going to be in the market for a new vehicle very soon since the weather is getting quite chilly. My poor car has been there for me through a lot, however it's starting to wear down. It's been sputtering for awhile now and, like me, doesn't care for these freezing temperatures. Since I drive, on average, about 300 miles per week for work, having a reliable vehicle that will start for me and get me from point A to point B is a must. </div>
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So today I'm super thankful for the ability to be <i>able</i> to have a steady income so that I am able to save money back every paycheck to go towards a nice, new vehicle. <i>(or at least new to me!) </i>I am thankful to not have to scramble around for every penny and 'settle' for a used car that isn't really what I want. </div>
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I've really loved the Honda Fit cars! I've driven one a few times and <i>love </i>how they drive, the mpg, and how much space they have for being a compact car. I'm open to other options, though! </div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11353540291064637374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32220596389295570.post-8683065892270626452017-11-06T20:30:00.005-07:002017-11-11T17:52:19.014-07:00Day 6 - Warmth<h2>
W a r m t h</h2>
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It was a little chilly today with a chance of snow tonight and even colder temps tomorrow! Perfect to be thankful for everything warm. There's just something about a long warm bath that makes everything better and bonus points if you have a book in hand and a good candle to set the mood! I take a lot of baths, especially when I'm cold. Doesn't matter if it's first thing in the morning as I'm sipping my coffee and waking up or the last thing I do in the evening to help relax me before bed. Thankful to have heat and to have a bathtub to warm up and relax in!</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11353540291064637374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32220596389295570.post-74087040327078774882017-11-05T20:02:00.000-07:002017-11-11T17:52:30.677-07:00Day 5 - Excitement<h2>
E x c i t e m e n t</h2>
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My oh my how thankful and excited I am to FINALLY have my first practice slipper done! My grandma told my mom that the only thing she wanted for Christmas was for me to crochet her some slippers. When grandma asks for something special like this I can't disappoint! I didn't realize how time consuming it would be for me when I accepted the challenge. I tried two other rather difficult patterns before settling on this one which I could actually do. It is far from perfect, but I still have another slipper to try before digging into the pair I'm actually going to gift her. </div>
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I fell in love with crocheting in January this year. I was elbows deep in my microbiology clinical rotation at GPH. My mind would run a million miles a minute worrying if I set a culture up right, identified an organism correctly, or worried if I missed something important on a gram stain. I couldn't fall asleep at night so I decided to give crocheting a shot. We were lucky enough to have a snow day during our rotation, so Britt and I ventured to Hobby Lobby to get some yarn and start a crocheting project that day. I taught myself from YouTube videos <i>(thanks YouTube!)</i> and have grown to love it more and more! I have another Christmas gift I want to crochet after I finish these and then I'm going to attempt to make a small lap throw. </div>
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Definitely thankful for this hobby that keeps my hands busy and my mind clear.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11353540291064637374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32220596389295570.post-82175341224809011082017-11-04T19:00:00.000-06:002017-11-11T17:52:39.349-07:00Day 4 - Friendship<h2>
F r i e n d s h i p</h2>
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Oh how I wish I could travel in time and take a picture with my friends! Like everyone, I've had many friends come in and walk out of my life, even recently. But there are those select few who remain in your life forever, no matter the circumstances. I have several friends I could outwardly express thanks to, but Christine and Emily are my number one besties! I have been friends with Emily for 10-ish years (give or take a few) and Christine for about 8 years. I've celebrated with them, laughed with them, and stayed up until the wee hours of the morning with them. In their own ways they've seen me through thick and thin and we've supported and held each other through THE toughest moments. </div>
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These are two of the strongest women I know and I'm so, SO grateful I can call them my friends! It's such a shame that they live states away. I have the ability to pick up right where we left off with both of these ladies, even if it's been several years since we've had a proper conversation. </div>
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Thanks to you two WONDERFUL and POWERFUL women for who you are and for your everlasting friendship to me - I value it dearly! xoxo</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11353540291064637374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32220596389295570.post-33751496899977874272017-11-03T21:43:00.002-06:002017-11-11T17:52:48.096-07:00Day 3 - Morning<h2>
<b>M o r n i n g</b></h2>
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I am so thankful for routine..... especially my morning routine! Every morning I set my alarm 15 minutes early to sip on my coffee as I wake up and mentally prepare to tackle the day. I used to be a night owl but as I've gotten older I have come to enjoy appreciating the few extra minutes or hours I get when I get up early. During the week I'm up at 4:45 and out of the door by 6. That extra 15 minutes really makes all the difference in my outlook for the day. I don't feel rushed and it's a few minutes of peace I get completely to myself. I'd really like to incorporate some yoga into my morning routine to help get the blood flowing and start the day off on a healthy note. I just struggle to muster up that much energy right when I hop out of bed ;)</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11353540291064637374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32220596389295570.post-66384400250725476622017-11-02T19:45:00.001-06:002017-11-11T17:52:58.190-07:00Day 2 - Comfort<div dir="ltr">
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I am so lucky to have 2 very sweet animals who sense when I'm upset, sad, happy, or excited. They are both still in the puppy and kitty stage so at times their need to play overpowers their sweet side, but they are so loving and know when you need to be comforted the most! Snuggling up with them after a long day or first thing in the morning is the best! They have a way of making me forget about some of my stressors. They make our home nearly complete and I'm so thankful we adopted these furballs!</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11353540291064637374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32220596389295570.post-72968279203387119062017-11-01T20:04:00.001-06:002017-11-11T17:53:04.165-07:00Day 1 of 30 Days of Thanks - Person<h2>
<b>P e r s o n</b></h2>
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Today I am thankful for my husband, Josh. For everything that makes him up to everything that he makes me what to strive to be. I fell, and remain, in love with his fun and quirky personality, dry sense of humor, and kind and compassionate heart. I'm grateful that after a long day he is the one I get to come home to at night. Even when we aren't talking or doing anything together, just being in his company makes everything complete. I'm so thankful that he supports my hobbies, my ideas, my talents, and my crazy hours at work and on call. I couldn't ask for a better man to spend the rest of my life with! He will <i>always</i> be my person.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11353540291064637374noreply@blogger.com0