How Bittersweet It Is

My sister and I went to Wal*Mart today to do a little shopping and to avoid sitting around the house. I had a great time with her! But I realized something (oh goodness when DON'T I realize things anymore!?) several different times today...

In about 2 weeks I am leaving Kansas, leaving my family, and I probably won't ever be coming back. When I moved out for college it wasn't a huge deal for me. I was going out to Utah for school. To work towards my dreams and aspirations. I had reasons to be going out there and so, SO much to look forward to. I was also going to be closer to Spencer, the man who I fell in love with and had a small hunch that I would be with the rest of my life, well, the rest of his life since I knew he would leave me early on.. I just didn't know how early... I was excited to finally be out on my own. It was this exciting new thing that every HS graduate dreams of. A completely new life. Starting over. I was definitely no exception.

I didn't imagine I would be moving back home ever again. Sure there was that chance when Spencer died, but I refused to believe it would happen anytime soon and I thought I'd be a lot more stable with my life, school, and a job and/or working towards my life career. But when I moved out to Utah -- it never FULLY clicked with me that I would be leaving my family to build MY life and that I would never live with them again. Sure, I would come home to visit, for weeks at a time during college, and then for a few days at a time after I graduated.... but never would I be at home again like it was at the time.

But now? This time moving out is so much different. I have had the high of moving out for the very first time. I had the thrill of no rules, being on my own. Being independent, which everyone craves. I know what it's like to live on your own (partially...) and the choices that you have. I also have learned the immense responsibility that one has to gain; the not-so-fun parts of living on your own.

And I also now completely realize how much I miss my family when I am living 12 hours away from home. I know how hard it was when something didn't work out right and I didn't have my mom to go to for a hug. I know how much it sucks when you have something wrong with your car, but dad isn't there to fix it or look it over. I know that when I get bored I don't have my sister there to laugh with and play games with.

And when I wasn't doing things alone, I had my husband by my side.

I got used to Spence being there. I got used to the feeling of coming home from school and sharing what I learned with my husband, or talking to him about my frustrations with my classes; now I will have an "empty" house to go home to with no one to greet me at the door. No one will specifically be waiting just for me to arrive.

I was used to fixing dinner for 2 (okay... really 3... Spencer and his CF lol) people and having company at the dinner table. I got into the habit of sitting down and starting dinner out with a prayer, "arguing"over who would say it first. Smiling as I heard my husband give thanks to our Heavenly Father and admiring how much he loved our Lord; but now I will have to sit by myself at dinner time with no one to discuss my day with. It is completely up to me to discipline myself to give thanks for the food before I take a bite, no matter how hungry I am. It is up to me to say the prayer every single time before dinner. I have no one to share that responsibility with.

I was used to calling or texting Spencer when I got off work late at night so that he knew I was on my way home and to not worry. If I didn't call him, he was calling me anxiously awaiting me to get home so that he could feel comfortable going to bed or so that he could share something with me; now when I get off work, be it late at night or even just after a long day, I have no one to text or call telling that I'm headed home. I definitely miss that.

I am excited to get back out to Utah... yes there are many things here at home that bother me. I built my own life out there and parts of my life style definitely clash with my parents and my sister.... but I fully realize what I will be missing at home that I got used to these last 7 months. And I also very much realize what all will be different when I get back to Utah. All the adjustments that I will have to make to live comfortably, on my own, without my husband.

So I have been trying to take advantage of every moment I have with my sister and family. Even though it's very fun to spend the day with my sister and parents, it's also hard because I know each day is growing closer to the time that I will have to, once again, pack up my things and spread my wings. Attempt to travel on this road of widowhood and further self discovery all by myself, but, thankfully, knowing that my family that is only a call away =)