Thursday, November 17, 2011
It's a Breakdown Kinda Day...
This has been a very hard week for me. And today I can't keep it together any longer. I feel like withering up into a ball and forgetting it all... sleeping... crying... not thinking anything. But the reality of this is that it's never going to go away. This is our life.... There isn't a thing we can do to change it.
Something really hit me hard today... This could very well be the rest of our life together. Being in the hospital, him on a ventilator. I might not ever hear his voice again. May not ever get to experience a day out with him ever again. God how I wish I could just go back and handle things a little bit differently... But don't we all?
The only chance that he'll be able to come back home with me is if he gets a transplant and I'm feeling really discouraged about that right now. Of course we don't know what will happen - we can't... but with him being on the ventilator things are becoming very complicated. Finding a center to accept him is really hard. Duke has told us they would be willing to look at his case, which is good - but that MIGHT be our only option. I still haven't contacted Cleveland or Barnes. Or rather - they haven't contacted me back. Today I was planning on calling them both and getting more information but I can't bring myself to do it. I don't have the strength today. I guess that's ok - but it does really need to get done.
I don't want this to be the rest of our life. Spencer is getting horribly depressed and I don't know how to handle it. I'm just trying to get by every single day - and sometimes I wonder how I do it. I'm feeling so helpless, so dang vulnerable. I don't know what to do =( I couldn't get to sleep last night because I couldn't help but think of our situation.
I know attitude a lot of the time is everything... But please tell me how on Earth one is supposed to have a positive attitude when the magnitude of it all hits you like a train??! I can barely even function today. Every other thing I say tears creep up in my eyes and a big lump forms in my throat. It's one of those days where I just don't feel like I can get through it. It's hard to be by myself but it's really hard to be with people. I can't properly describe how I'm feeling. Even though I'm trying right now it doesn't even scratch the surface will how painfully deep my emotions are today.
This all might sound very cliche... but It's just not fair. This whole situation isn't fair. Why is my husband being stripped away from me? WHY US?! It never seems like we can get a break and now in the blink of an eye our world has been changed and it may not get better. I can't even bare to think of what it will be like without him. I already feel like a huge piece of me is missing and he's not even gone. My best friend can't come home with me at night. I can't hear his voice and so our communication isn't much. He doesn't have much to say to me because the hospital it all he's known for 2 months - and it's really all I've known as well so I have struggles with finding what to talk about. It's just not right that I have to decide when I want to see Spencer during the day and when I want to go home at night. I don't want to leave him at all. I don't want to have to CHOOSE when to see him =( I want to sleep in in the morning, yet I really want to be with Spencer. I want to go home early at night - but I don't want to leave spencer for the evening. I want to be somewhere else doing something for myself during the day sometimes, but I can't stand leaving Spencer here at the hospital by himself. I KNOW he's being taken care of and I KNOW he's ok - but who am I to have fun while he's stuck in a place he can't control... where he doesn't want to be. I'm his partner, his best friend, his wife... and I'm sticking beside him.. It just sucks having to make the choice to be here or at home.
-sigh- I am having such a hard time =( I feel like I'm going to have to start just simply going through the motions again instead of taking charge. Taking charge for me doesn't last long... maybe a day or 2... and then I have to go to taking it one single day at a time. That doesn't get us far. How useful is that?
I'm supposed to be able to make all these phone calls... talk to all these people... update everyone on our situation. I'm supposed to be the strong one so how much good does it do when I just can't do it. =/ Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh......
People ask what they can do - I'm telling you ... please just keep us both, ME INCLUDED, in your thoughts and prayers. I need uplifted. I'm struggling and I need help.... The only help I can think that you all can give me is your positive words and your prayers. Not only for me... but that our situation improves for the better. Just anything for the better....