Sunday, November 13, 2011
Not going to lie - today was hard. It seemed like nothing was going right... But I am still thankful!!
I am thankful for direction. This whole transplant process is becoming more and more complicated and stressful. Found out today that things should be moving along pretty quickly. I think a lot more quickly than I have expected. We haven't really known where to turn for all of this. We haven't known what steps have needed to be taken when. Today I finally got some direction as to what needs to happen next with the transplant process. I'm feeling a lot better about it... But each and every day things are becoming more and more real for me. This is happening. I have SO many mixed emotions I can barely set them straight.
Part of me is VERY excited. Just the thought of new lungs and being able to live life with Spencer to the FULLEST with him being able to BREATHE is amazing to me. Beyond something I can even fathom. I was happy and content (to an extent) with Spence when he couldn't breathe well, had to be on oxygen, had to stay home at times, got sick all the time.. I can't even imagine what it would/will be like with him when/if he gets new lungs! I've never known him any other way. My heart jumps for joy thinking about it.
I am also very scared. Beyond terrified to be exact. I mean who wouldn't be. I am worried I might lose him. NO ONE can tell me that I won't. You never know what will happen... when it will happen as we have known the last 2 months. Reality is starting to set in too. This is going so fast... I don't have very much longer with him before we start the evaluation and get him listed!!!!! I hope that I have YEARS with him AFTER he gets lungs... but in all reality - I could only have a few months left. wow..... Just saying that makes my heart skip a beat. You see what I mean = terrified.
How does one even begin to cope???? I can't even think straight. I can barely even type how I feel because my mind is going a million miles a minute. Just as I am typing this I am finally seeing the magnitude of everything. Holy. Freaking. Cow. This is why I blog. So I can set my mind straight. THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING. so soon..... Everything just kind of came at me in a matter of seconds. I feel like I've been hit by a freight train. Whewwww
At any rate.. I'm thankful for the direction We're now getting from the docs... hopefully it will take us far...