Rough evening.

I'm just having kind of a rough time tonight. I'm just really missing Spencer. I know I can go and see him... I can spend time with him. But it's not the same. I am just waiting for that moment that he can give me a giant hug. That I can just sit there and cry in his arms.. I want to be the weak one for awhile. I know people say strong with the best intentions, But I'm tired of hearing it. It's not like I don't already know that I need to be strong. I have to be. But I just don't want to right now.

People ask me what they can do... I just don't know.. Take the hurt and ache away for awhile? There is no way you can do that. I have things under control... It's just my mental and emotional stability that I am struggling with - as everyone would. A lot of times when people catch me I am doing okay... and so they don't see the side that's really hurting. It's fine to hurt.. I know that. It's fine to have my moments and be upset - I get it... but It's just crappy to have to go through.

My heart just aches. I'm not ready to go through all of this. I just want him to get better. To be able to go back home just like things were. Working for improvement. Improvement. If only that's what could happen. We're going on three weeks of this and I know it's ONLY the beginning. It's hard for me to fathom how hard things are going to be.

I just want a life with Spencer. I want to take all the hurt and pain away. I wish it was me instead of him. I hate seeing him having to go through all of this. It's just not fair. I don't know what he did to deserve any of this. And that's the thing... He didn't. It just happened.

My mom gave me a different way of looking at things. Maybe our Heavenly Father is putting us through a transplant right now so that we can live our live to the fullest with the time we have left. Even fuller than we would be living with all this stuff we've been living with.

I keep trying to think of all the positives, not negatives. It's hard, but it's whats keeping me sane and helping me get through it all. I just wanna go home WITH SPENCER. It will come I. At least I sure hope it does.

I'm just tired. So tired....