Difficult morning... =/

I'm terrified. Something is just not right. I can feel it through my entire body. My emotions cannot get under control. Something is going very wrong with Spencer and I'm very anxious to get the ABG And chest xray back.... The doctor is getting ready to come in and my stomach is full of butterflies. Sometimes it helps to hear the doctor explain everything - sometimes it hurts to hear the words he says. Either way, it's important for me to speak to him.

I'm just so scared. Something in me is just saying to be with Spencer every second today. To love him. To hold is hand. Tell him to hang in there - keep fighting and I will be with him at every moment. I'm sure he's getting so tired of hearing "keep fighting" i've only said it once in the past week. It's kind of like the phrase "be strong" for me... You know people say it with only the best intentions, but it's one of those things you just hate to hear sometimes...

I don't know what to do with myself. I'm just so upset today. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't wan to see anyone, except part of me says that I need to be around someone.... have someone here to help hold me up. It's mixed feelings, honestly. When people are around I don't at all want them to be, but when they are gone I wish they would come back.

Today just isn't a good day. Not good at all. I'm tired of riding on this roller coaster. I just knew something was going to go wrong because we've had so many good days. This is how it seems to happen a lot.. and why it's really hard for me to get optimistic and hopeful. Because the next day seems to fall apart. I desperately need things to get better. I don't know I'm doing this, honestly. I don't know how I'm holding up.... all I know is that I'm doing it - and barely getting by each day.... It's what I have to do. I'm not going anywhere. And I pray Spencer won't either any time soon. <3