[Sidenote: I have no idea why some of this blog post is highlighted in white... I can't figure out how to fix it.... ]
I've been struggling lately with this phrase... "Just let go, and let God." I've been told this many times. That this is what I should be doing... to let God in control. But I can't... How do you just hand it over to God?
Everyone makes it sound sooo dang easy. But my questions is, how is that even possible when you know darned good and well his plan could very well be to take the one you love the most??? Now I know this may not be true - but I'm posting how I feel. I feel like letting God take control is me just throwing in the towel and giving up. I almost feel like I wouldn't be fighting to keep Spencer alive anymore, and that pulls at my heart in all the wrong ways. I know Gods will will be done no matter how hard I fight, how hard the doctors fight, even how hard Spencer fights; but I don't want to feel like I'm letting go of the fight myself. Does that make sense?
There is a VERY real possibility that Spencer's time on this Earth is coming to an end quicker than anyone imagined. That our Heavenly Fathers plan is for Spencer to return home. I can't even come to terms with it myself and I have been fighting my hardest for my husband to survive every single day. I pray, I ask others to pray, we get him blessings, I read helpful scriptures, I am thinking about fasting with others.... but the one think I just CAN'T get myself to do is to hand it over to the Lord.
I don't want to lose Spence! I don't want his time to be done... We just started our life together and I can't imagine what it would be like with out him. I am tearing up just writing that. How can I possibly let God in control when I know that he can take him??? If I let him have control - then what happens? Will he be gone within a matter of a few days if that is His will?? I can never know if Spencer's time is through... but I don't want him to go.
I chose this life... I chose what I am being given. I chose to be married and to go through all of this - but I can't accept what is happening. I almost feel weak because I can't let go... because I can't hand it over. I'm not strong enough to do that. Maybe that's the wrong mind set to have, of course it probably is... but I can't help how I feel, you know?
I've always thought that one of the HARDEST things that people do is to tell a loved one that it is OKAY to stop fighting. It is okay to just stop holding on. That if they feel the need to go, then it's okay. I feel like this is one of those situations. Is it? I feel like if I give it up to God I am telling my husband that it's okay to stop fighting. It's okay to just let go... but in my mind, and with how I feel IT'S JUST NOT OKAY TO STOP FIGHTING!!!!!!! How could I possibly tell the love of my life that I am okay without him. because I AM NOT. I need him. Gosh I need him. What if I would tell him it's okay to go and at that moment he's feeling extremely vulnerable and weak and he stops holding on... when only if I would have waited a day later, hour later, or just a moment later he would have the strength to keep going? What if he still had so much more life left to live? What if even he got better was able to come home with me. It's something you'll never, ever know - but I don't know if I could live with myself if I told him that it's okay and then I lost him shortly after....
In this case, this position I just feel so week. So vulnerable myself. That phrase is something I think about so often. Because I don't know what to think about it.
An amazing guy, Josh, told me today, "You are doing exactly what you need to do exactly when you need to do it. You are being the person Spencer needs you to be....."
I needed to hear that at the exact moment it was written; shortly after I posted a status similar to this blog post... I think I might just listen to his words. I am doing what I need to be doing, when I need to do it. I can't rush myself to do something I am not ready to do and THAT. IS. OKAY. I shouldn't feel weak or ashamed that I can't turn our situation over to our Heavenly Father. It will happen on it's own time, just like everything else. I need to let myself feel how I'm feeling when I'm feeling it. I am no less of a person because I can't do things that other people may think I need to do. My Faith is not necessarily lacking because I can't hand it over. What I am going through is completely normal and I need to remember that....