Sunday, October 2, 2011

How I'm coping... Pic of the day...

Lazy Sunday... at least one of us gets to enjoy! lol Spencer is sleeping away. They lowered his sedation rate but he's still just out like a light. Of course I would love to see him being able to communicate a little more, but his body just needs to rest; it's hard to let him sleep, I always want to talk his ear off!!! We'll get there though... My phrase lately... Baby Steps... And it's oh-so true. It's been a roller coaster. I'm ready to get off now =)

I just wanted to write a little bit about how I am doing. Obviously you all know how Spencer is doing because I write updates about him every single day... Sometimes multiple times a day. But I want to take a moment to especially thank those who have made the extra effort to ask how I am doing. Being the caregiving is EXTREMELY hard. I knew it wouldn't be easy when I married him... but I did it anyway =)
Honestly - Some days I am okay, some days I'm a mess. The last couple of days have been okay... frustrating, but okay. I didn't cry once yesterday - and I can't say I've had a day like that in about a week! =D I'm finding it a little easier to cope now that all my friend ARE in the hospital. I can stay at the hospital and hang out with my friends, yet I can go to Spencer's room to see him and check on him whenever I want. This has been the easiest thing for me to do.
I've tried to stay home a couple times for the day (today included) Because I know he's being taken care of. But after about 1:00 PM I just go CRAZY! My stomach does flips and has so many butterflies in it... I get really antsy and can't sit still. I can't focus because my mind is elsewhere... For my own sanity - I need to be at the hospital with my husband. I know it may sound strange, but right now I'm taking comfort in being in the hospital when I can. (Isn't the hospital the LAST place you usually find comfort.. ya i know lol)
I've had some offers to go hang out with people outside of the hospital... mainly his own family asking me.. And I REALLY appreciate the offers. Please know that I'm not trying to avoid anyone... I'm not trying to make excuses because I don't want to hang out. I love hanging out with people and playing games! I really do! But right now, for my sake - I need to be at the hospital. I have tried to run to Smiths, or out to Subway to get a bite to eat - and after about 45 min I find that I NEED to get back to the hospital. I may not stay in Spencer's room for more than 30 minutes at a time... But just knowing I can go and see him at any given moment makes my mind at ease, my Anxiety A LOT less, and it helps my depression.

Not to mention... and it might sound weird to some people who don't understand... When I'm around "healthy" people outside of the hospital.. doing amazingly fun things.. I kind of get depressed. Because I want Spencer better SO BAD. I want to do SO many things with him. I want to live our life. It's just been kind of easier for me to not think about the things I could be doing. It's easier to be around the sick and entertain my friends who are locked up in the hospital sharing some of the same emotions I am. And It's hard for me to have a good time outside of the hospital... I can't freely express my emotions if I need to (ie cry, or just meditate to myself) if I'm outside of the hospital with friends. Here in the hospital I can easily go find a quite place and just let myself feel what I'm feeling - which is very important for me right now because I've been through a roller coaster of emotions for the last 2 weeks. I also worry if anything is going on.

Just take my word for it - It's easier right now if I am at the hospital. If you would like to - I'd LOVE for you to come up and spend some time with me for an hour or so... just know that shorter visits with me are better than longer ones because I need to see Spencer every couple of hours to just keep my self sane... And if you want to see Spencer - let me know!!!! There is no problem at all with that.. Just please make sure you are not at all sick. His body is under SO much stress he can't afford to get another bug in his body to fight. So if you've had a cough, sneeze, runny nose or watery eyes or fever or just anything of the sort.. please refrain from visiting him. It's not that we don't love you!!! It's just that I'm trying to keep my husband alive...

So this is kind of how I've been coping. Might not make sense to some - but please respect that I don't want to go out and do anything right now. <3

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