Sunday, October 16, 2011
I've been on edge all day. Not really cranky... Just uneasy. (although certain comments from certain therapists have made me cranky!) Feeling like something is wrong. Spencer's been less alert today than he has been in the last couple of days. He's slept literally all day long.. I just get so nervous his CO2 levels are coming up when he sleeps all day. Sure, it certainly could be just an off day and he's tired - especially since he walked a good amount this morning. But my mind always goes to something such as his blood gases.
I'm terrified he's going to be able to come off the ventilator. I'm afraid he's just going to want to give up if he can't stay off of it this next time. If he can't come off of it there is a chance they will want to trach him... I asked Spencer if he was okay with that - he didn't give me an answer. I told him I didn't need an answer right now, just to think about it. But the fact that he didn't want to say that it was okay scares me. I know he's sick of everything. I would be too. Heck - I AM sick and tired of everything. But I'm not the one fighting. I'm the support, the caretaker. And I am not giving up. It's SPENCER that has to want to keep up the fight. And he's just been fighting for so long. I don't want him to get to the point where he's so frustrated and depressed he doesn't want it to continue. Thinking of that tares me apart. But it's a reality. He has a major history of depression..... I try not to think about it... but it's always in the back of my mind.
I've been trying to be REALLY positive around him. I try to keep his mind busy. Things as fun as they can be. SO optimistic about everything when i'm with him. I just hope it's helping. I don't want him to see be break down - that's when his mind goes south into the depressing thoughts and I'm trying to avoid that as much as I can.
Today has been kind of hard. I blogged before or updated my status to... I don't remember... but I mentioned how I really didn't want to get my hopes up because of a few good days; because it's just our luck that he has a bad day after 2 or 3 good ones. And when I expect things to be better the next day, and they aren't what I expect - I have a rough day.
I am happy that he is down to 5/5 with his vent settings. That's like one of the last steps before he gets off =) Which is great!!!! But until that ABG is done my stomach is still going to sink and heart is still going to race that he isn't tolerating these settings well.
I wanted to play a bunch of card games today and maybe do a puzzle. But he's been asleep and just can't keep his eyes open. So it's just another boring day for me. Yet I can't quite tare myself away from the hospital because I'm super anxious. Even going to smiths to get gas and a puzzle made my anxiety really high being away!!! I don't want something to go wrong while I'm not here at the hospital you know. I know the chances that that will happen are low - but still. My anxiety gets high!!!!
Just hope and pray for a better tomorrow... that's all I can do to get me through it!!!