Thursday, July 21, 2011

I hate writing so many negative or depressing blog posts in a row. I hate being upset, unhappy, down, or depressed - but this seems to be one of my only outlets.
Today my feelings and emotions have just caught up with me. Today has sucked. It's been hard and I just want it to be over.
To start out with things... Spencer has been sleeping on the couch for the last week-ish due to either reflux, breathing issues, or stomach issues. It gets lonely not falling asleep beside him and waking up to him in the morning. I hate it. I want him to be comfortable and have a good nights sleep but I just hate not having him by my side. I have to be without him when he's in the hospital for 2 weeks - it's even worse when he's in the house yet in a different room.
Not to mention I feel like we haven't done anything together in such a long time. He's been sick for what seems like alllll summer and I'm getting really down about not being able to do anything with him... enjoying our summer together.. Enjoying being married and spending time together. I feel like everything has been so distant between us because he hasn't been feeling very well. He's been sleeping 90% of the day and I get so lonely. I resort to reading or doing housework and I'm getting sooooo sick of it. The house is never clean and I can never get caught up. I love reading but I'm just getting tired of doing it. I try to go outside but it's been soooo hot and wears me out and makes me cranky because i don't know what to do.
I don't know where to go, what to do.... I just don't know =( There are many things that I want to do - but they aren't much fun doing them all by myself. I want to spend time with my husband... a healthy husband.. is that too much to ask???

So now that you know I've been waking up kind of lonely every morning - it doesn't help when you get a phone call saying that your car cannot be fixed. Ugh. I was trying to get caught up with cleaning the kitchen today (failure it seems)... and I get a call from insurance. They told me that after getting the bumpers taken off of my car there was a lot more damage than they thought there would be and it would cost more to fix it than the car was worth. Therefore my car is a total loss =-( this was the WORSE news possible. None of this was my freaking fault yet I am going to have to take a loss on my car and figure out where the heck I am going to get a new one and be able to afford it =( We have to have a car. With Spencer's health as unstable as it is, it's not good for us to be without wheels. If he starts coughing up blood or spikes fevers or needs medical attention we need to be able to get him to the doctor. He has so many clinic appointments and we have to be able to go to them... Not to mention I am working on getting my license for CNA and I start school in a month - I need a car for work and school. I could figure out how to take UTA to campus but ohhhhh man I don't want to have to do that - I'd have to leave hourrrs before classes start and I'd be home really late at night =( I mean yes, it's an option and I'd do it if I had to - but I'd like to avoid it.

Not to mention Spencer can't take UTA because of his oxygen needs and so if we want to do anything together we have to have a car to be able to go =( So we'd be stuck at home... all. the. time. And that would just bite.

They are going to pay me for what my car is worth. That will be determined next week and I guess we'll see. I'm guessing I'll be reallllly lucky if I will get at least $3,000 back on it =( We paid 5,600. Ughhhh. Good luck finding a reliable car for less than 3,000!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My mom has so kindly told me that we could use the money to fix the transmission on the station wagon in KS so that we can have that. But I REALLY want to avoid that. My mom is driving a REALLY crappy car to and from work every single day and she needs that vehicle. I feel so bad taking it from her.

I don't know what to do. This just sucks. So... SOOO much. I don't know how much longer I can have the rental car either.... My guess is they will pay for it until I get the check for a new car and then they'll take it back.... GREAT. Car-less before I'm even ready. This whole situation SUCKS and I just want to break into tears because I'm just SICK and TIRED of nothinngggg working out.

When it rains.... it pours.

I am supposed to babysit 2 times next week - but in order to get that money I have to have a CAR to get there...

I could really use thoughts and prayers. I'm falling apart and I need something good to come along... fast. I don't know how much more of this I can mentally handle. Something has GOT to give.....

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