Sunday, July 10, 2011

Don't worry - I'll be okay... but I just need to vent a little bit... ok maybe a lot. I realize that things get better and part of it is just the way I'm choosing to look at things; but I'm just awfully upset right now. It seems like everything is rushing to the surface and I just can't stop it.

There's been so much going on this past month and I've been trying to stay so strong and supportive but I'm losing my focus. I'm losing who I am. I feel like I've been slowly falling into a low point and back into depression. I just haven't been happy with me, my life, just everything. I seem to be getting upset at the little things. I don't want to feel like this. I liked when everything was fine and fun and I could look at things and tell myself that everything will get better if I just give it time. But right now I just don't feel like it's the case.

I feel like I've let myself go. I don't know who I am right now. I don't know what I need to make me happy. All I know is that I'm not. Things just keep building up and I'm so tired of trying to stay strong. It's like I'm drowning in life. I feel as if everything is just piling up and I can't slow it down and make it bearable. I have the responsibility of the world on my shoulders and it's hard. My self esteem has plummeted lately.... I'm stress eating, gaining weight, becoming much more unhealthy..... I don't like these habits. I'm looking at my life and it seems as if nothing is going right. I know I should be doing what I tell Spence - focus on the little things, one day at a time, there ARE things going right and I need to focus on them; not all the negativity. I'm looking at everything from a pessimistic perspective and I don't know how to stop. I was doing okay for so long - but how? How was I doing it?

I've decided that I'm going to start taking my Zoloft again in hopes that it will help again... but the rest has to happen with me. I have to make the choice to change everything - and it sucks. I want to hate the world. I don't want to have all the responsibility all the dang time. I guess it's just all how I look at it and deal with it.

I think what got me down so much this time is because it seems like it's just a NEVER ending battle with Spencer's health. I love him so, so much and I hate when he's sick with his CF... but when he comes home from the hospital... supposed to be healthy - something else happens. Such as this time.... he came home - serious reflux causing him not to breath as well... His energy has just been non existent. We can't go out and do anything - we can't enjoy summer like I imagined. It's just one thing after another. We can't get a break and it's just breaking me down.

I feel like we can't even enjoy a simple thing such as church. It's taxing on Spence to go through 3 hours. He's just exhausted going through it all yet he doesn't want to leave. We constantly have to worry about oxygen. He's always got his head in his hands and people look concerned. I don't like the stares. I just want to be a normal couple. Go to church together - separate the first hour and then come together the next two and learn and grow in Christ. But I feel like because he's not feeling well for church there is a separation between us.
Last night he was throwing up and this morning is no different. The one thing that we get to do as a couple this week he's not going to. He's not going to go to church (at least the first 2 hours) because he's sick. I hate going by myself. I'm new to it all and I don't know anyone. I don't like the feeling of being alone. I wanted support to talk to the bishop but he can't be there. Where is the support when I need it =( I don't know... I just don't. I mean... I feel so down that I don't even want to go to church. Not to mention for the first time in a really long time I'm having serious cramps which doesn't help the fact that I want to stay home and just curl up in bed... they are getting worse the more I'm awake. I just don't feel like being around people - Yup that's a great sign I'm getting depressed. -sigh-

Just for once... just for a couple weeks - i don't want Spencer to be sick. I want him to have energy, to feel healthy, to be able to ENJOY all our time together. It feels like he's sleeping all the time, doing treatments, or just sitting there with his head in his hands because he's not feeling the best. I want time to Spend with him - but it's like we can't get that because of his health.

Blah... I'm just struggling to get out of this rut I'm in. I'm happy that I recognized it... if I hadn't it could really be a lot worse and I wouldn't have known it until it was too late to kick it early.

I just need to find myself again. Start doing things for myself (and figuring out what that is...) I'll be okay - I know I will... I always am. I always turn around - no matter how low I feel. It just takes time and patience. I really hope that I can put my faith into the Lord right now and feel the support and comfort in that way. I think it would REALLY help me.....


  1. Nikki, you're doing the best that you can. Don't beat yourself up. You are doing more than most people could ever handle. I highly recommend talking to the bishop. Talk to the relief society presidency. It is really hard, being new and unfamiliar with everything, but they are there to help. One thing I love about church is that for this church, it is the same everywhere you go. I can guarantee that they will be able to find a way to help you out. But first they need to know. I pray for you guys daily. Things will be better someday. If not in this life, then in the next for certain. Love you guys.

  2. Thank you Laura, I really appreciate it. It just gets so hard at times - things build up and I just have to let it out. I talked with the Bishop the other night. He was really helpful and I hope things can continue to go into the right direction. My visiting teacher contacted me the other day as well, and so I'm looking forward to talking with her. I know deep down that things will work out - they always do... I just have to find myself again and get MY ducks back in a row and then I should be okay =) (I'm already feeling better - this change of attitude really has helped.)