Friday, June 8, 2012

Utah - STAT!

To say that I want to be back in Utah would be somewhat of an understatement. I am definitely craving a life beyond the one that I am living right now.

As I was driving to the bank today a song came on the radio - One Directions hit, What Makes You Beautiful. I decided to take a detour and just drive around a little bit while the song played. By the time this song was over I drove down at least 1/2 of the streets in my town. Another song came on and I continued to drive, successfully driving down every major road in my town at least twice. I proceeded to go into the bank, being greeted by name by friendly and very familiar faces and then I left, deciding to drive around a little bit more. I didn't want to go home. I didn't want to isolate myself in my room anymore. There wasn't anything on TV, nothing to do upstairs. I've exhausted myself on Netflix and reading books. I just needed something to do. So I drove - driving those same streets many more times when a thought occurred to me.

I have got to get out of here. Not on a vacation. Not for a weekend get away. Not even for a day away. I need to go. Leave. And start my life over again.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm thankful for where I grew up at. I have a wonderful, loving, and supportive family. I have a community who knows me (whether that's good or bad changes based upon the day....). I was lucky to really have one-on-one time with teachers. Having close friendships as I grew up. Learning right from wrong. Not getting into any trouble. I have great memories here.

But being here is not "me" anymore.

I don't feel like "me" when I'm here. I realized today that while growing up my community had a lot to offer; the schools, friendships, sports, support etc. But now? There just isn't anything left for me here. I've grown beyond what my community has to offer me. Lets face it. I have NEVER been even remotely interested in agriculture, that's one of the reasons I moved away from here, and the states surrounding here. It never has been me, and it never will be. Sure I respect the people who put their life into that - but it's not for me. Really all of the jobs you can find around here are based on helping out on the farm or in the fields.
Sure I could get a job in a hospital or something, but they are all small towns. You see the same people every day. The same things all of the time. It's an elderly community and it's rare that you have patients or clients who you don't know. Exciting "action" doesn't really happen around here. Another reason why I wanted to move away. I can't really even get "career" experience here because the type of job that I want to do doesn't exist in a small town. Only in a bigger city.

There isn't anything for me to do during the days here. I have no friends here anymore. My HS class has moved on. And even if they were living here - we are living two separate lives and we are on two different spectrums. I've been married AND widowed. Most of them aren't even thinking about getting married yet. We've grown apart and I don't know that much of anything can glue us back together again because our life experience is SO different. Sure we can get together for dinner or a conversation, and we do when they are visiting home, but after a few minutes there isn't much to say. They are in school, just finding serious boyfriends, going to activities, dances, concerts. I am just trying to get back on my feet after a life changing event - the loss of my husband. I don't relate to them anymore. It's sad, but it's also life.

I fell in love with the city. I am so happy there. I feel like I'm being held back living here at home. I have a strong desire to move on with my life, but I can't. I'm stuck in a rut and I'm just going crazy! I want to see my friends. I miss my friends from Utah terribly. I've created a life there and built life long friendships. My friends in Utah have been with me through some of my biggest accomplishments and they have stuck by my side through the absolut ugliest point in my life. I can't really say that for anyone else.

I love being able to go out at 10:00 at night to the store if you're feeling like milk and cookies. I love being able to take an impromptu trip to wal*mart 24/7 if you forgot something, or have a spontaneous idea to craft something. I love making a quick trip to sonic for a drink or some tator-tots when you're bored. I love driving a few minutes to have a game night at my friends house. I miss just hanging out at the mall because you can and it's a good way to catch up with someone. I miss being able to go to my friends house if I'm having a horrible night and just need someone to talk to.... a friend to talk to and hug. I miss those times when you're super bored during the day and all you have to do is look up movie theaters and see what movie is playing within the next 30 minutes. I miss when your super bored at night, yet you can guarantee somewhere fun to be open. I miss the opportunities. I miss volunteering. I miss meeting new people. Making new friends.

I know that when I go back to Utah things are NOT going to be the same as when I lived there before. I've taken enough trips out there since Spencer died to understand that it's a lot different. I know it's going to be hard. But I'm tired of being at a stand still with my grieving. I have exhausted all grieving here. I think what I am grieving most right now is the lack of a life. Honestly. I have grieved my husband all that I can right now -- now it is waiting for all of those "wonderful" significant days to pop up (birthdays, holidays etc) and continue living in the "year of firsts". Just taking things as they come along. I'm looking forward to being in Utah again so that I can go and visit my husbands grave. Just to feel some sense of peace, as going to the cemetery is so peaceful for me (though sucky because it's WRONG to visit your husband at the cemetery... but I digress). By not getting on with my new life, I am starting to really grieve my old life - the one with Spencer. I'm missing it so much because I always think that if he would be here right now, I wouldn't be living in Kansas. I need change. I told myself I would live in KS for at least 6 months... It's been 6 months and I'm ready to get on with it.

Of course I am going to miss my parents. It's so nice being around them. But i'm ready for independence again. I'm scared out of my mind. I'm nervous. I'm anxious - but I know it's all for the better and for my benefit. I need to do this for ME. I need to continue on the path of finding myself. A lot of me was completely lost when Spencer died. It's time for me to continue rediscovering who Nikki is. What Nikki's interests are. What Nikki enjoys doing. It's going to take awhile but I can't continue doing that here. I'm just driving myself mad wishing that I could find these things out - and the only way I can is if I'm away from here.

So in short - I am as ready as I can be. The realization that I had today while driving, the one where I realized that I need to get out of here -- it's what I've been needing so that I know that it's time and that it is okay to take that first step no matter how scared and nervous I may be. Now it's playing a waiting game for my financial situation to straighten out a little bit more so that I can actually plan a date.....

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