Wednesday, June 13, 2012

My thoughts these last few days...

Firstly, I would LOVE if you could please help me out a little bit by answering this question, either in the comments or by emailing me --
If I wrote a book about my Spencer and I's journey -- what would you like to read about? What do you want to learn more about? What would you expect to be in the book? What made you continue to come back to read about our progress and setbacks... etc?
I have had nearly 70 hits on the post that I did, but I only got one response. =(  I could really benefit from you giving me your thoughts! I've had so many people say that they support me and always will, and I've had SO much encouragement to write this book; So please - if you could just take a couple of moments to do that for me, I'd REALLY appreciate it! =)

Secondly... this moving business is totally and completely overwhelming for me. I'm very excited about starting a new chapter in my life, and I know that I'm as ready for it as I'll ever be -- but since I was able to get financially stable enough to move, I have become a ball of nerves about it, and part of me is second guessing things! I know that it's all from fear of the unknown and fear of starting over new and I know that it's something that I need to continue to push past, but the feeling is there and it's hard to deal with.
I was excited to go down to my storage unit where all of my things are. I want to organize things a little bit better since when I moved back to KS we had about 3-4 days to pack and so things were just kind of thrown into boxes with little order. I want to separate things into three categories: things that stay here; things that go to Utah; Spencer's things. And then of course more organization from there (bathroom, kitchen, bedroom.... etc). It will make it A LOT easier on everyone if I do this. There's going to be a LOT that I don't take with me since I will be moving in with girls who have already established a place.

But I got down to the storage unit and I was just hit with a brick of emotion. It brought back a lot of thoughts and feelings from the last time things were packed up. A lot of Spencer's things are down there and though I want to look through them, and be able to actually take my time, it's hard to push myself to open the boxes and remember. Even the things that AREN'T Spencer's bring a lot of memories - I mean even our kitchen appliances. Let me explain why.... All of the things that are in those boxes (well most of it) symbolizes our married and our life together. Most of that stuff didn't exist until we got married and moved in together. And until I can establish a place of my own -- I have no use for half of it, I most likely will not need a lot of it for awhile. I'm glad that I have it -- but it just really stinks that it can't be put to use.
I almost feel like I'm taking a step back, if that makes sense. I say this because before he passed away, we had a place of our own. And now.... I'm going to be living with other girls. Close to the same set up I had in the dorms (though thankfully this time I will have my own room) I think it will be good and I'm actually looking forward to it (kind of...), but I wish that I could afford my own place.

It's also been hard just because of the overall picture. I have grown and matured in a lot, A LOT of areas. I have had A LOT of life experience at only 21 years old, yes. But I "missed out" on doing a lot of the simple things that people learn to do on their own when they first move out and get a place of their own... I lived in the dorms my first year and everything was already taken care of. I had a lot of help from my parents. But then I lived with Spence.
I have never managed all of the finances before. I've never been the one to pay all of the bills. It's just things like that... Things that Spencer took care of that I never had to worry about. And now not only am I moving out again, but I have to take on this responsibility that I've been used to my husband doing.
Granted I would NEVER go back and change anything at all - I'm glad that we had time together when we were able to... but it's just kind of interesting to think about the things that I completely understand and I can do without second guessing, compared to the things that I just started to learn 6 months ago and am still continuing to understand. I know that I will be fine - it might be stressful at first trying to remember everything and take on all this new responsibility, but I know I'll do just fine.

I'm very excited, but at the same time nervous, to make new friends. Before Spence and I made a lot of new friends who were couples. We shared friends and if I met someone new, I had my husband to come home to and tell him all about him/her and then he would quickly meet said person. I'm on my own now! I hope that I easily meet people and become friends with them. I'm very thankful for the friends that I do already have in Utah =) I met some amazing people my freshman year of college - and I wish that we could have remained better friends... but we were just on two different paths with life at the time. I was in a serious relationship with Spencer (and the hospital.... lol) and then married, and they were trying everything new out for the first time. We connected in every single way except for a major part of our lives. Most of them are going to be on their last year of college this year... and here I am trying to pay off debt so that I CAN go back to school. I'm sad that I don't have them to chat with and hang out with. Nothing is saying that we can't still be friends - but I definitely have to earn their friendship back... we'll see what happens!

The other things I'm worried about is coming home after a long day. In this aspect I'm glad that I will have roommates, even though they may not be there all of the time. I won't be coming home to a completely "empty" house (just me living there). But I still worry about coming home to no one. I won't have my husband there to greet me. I won't have him there to listen to me talk about my day, the people that I met... the people who drive me crazy. I don't do that much now, but really, I do the same things every day with miss Ashlyn. Not too much changes! And my mom isn't home when I get home - so usually I just water my garden and then relax in my room until it's time to cook dinner... but Being out in the city there are going to be A LOT of changes and I imagine so much going on! Especially right at first. and I really wish that Spence could be there so I have someone to come home to. It's an adjustment that I know will take awhile to make. But with time it'll become a bit easier.

Anyway... That's just kind of what's been on my mind recently. I need to pick a moving date still. That's my first step - pick a date to move. I'm thinking mid/late July. Speaking of that... I'm having a hard time actually setting a date. It makes it so, so real. And that's the part of my that I think is having second guesses on it. If I officially set a date to go out there, to stop working, it's official. Crazy. I almost want someone to tell me.... okay Nikki - you're quitting your job on X date and you're going to go out to Utah on X date. So guys.... what day sounds fantastic? ;-) lol
We'll see what happens!!!   Positive thoughts and prayers for this whole process are appreciated.

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