Thank you, Spencer, for not only the short time that we shared together as husband and wife, but for the absolutely beautiful and fulfilling years we had as a couple. I wouldn't trade the time we spent together for the world. Marrying you was the best decision that I have ever in my life made. The only thing I would change is tying the knot sooner - if only we would have known what your fate was, right?
I sit here in disbelief. Disbelief that you are not here to celebrate 1 year together. Disbelief that it's already been a whole year since we vowed to love each other unconditionally and to be with each other for the rest of our lives, as only death will part us for a moment.
I only wish that we could have gotten the opportunity to go to the temple and take our endowments out together and to get sealed together, officially, for all eternity. We were supposed to happily go to the temple on our one year anniversary (would have had to go yesterday, but close enough, right ;-). I'm saddened that I now have to get my endowments without you. I'm sad and heartbroken that I have to make the decision to be sealed to you all alone... I know and hope that you will guide me. I know that whatever happens you will be happy with as you told me to wait, to think about it. I am and I'm so thankful that you told me the things that you did -- it half way makes this easier. <3 But time will tell what the right thing to do is, and everything will work out. I have to trust and believe that everything will work itself out.
We were supposed to be on our honeymoon - finally! We were going to save up over the months so that after getting sealed we could finally take a very nice vacation and enjoy married life away from the every day norm. Planned to stick around fairly close and chose the Anniversary Inn to stay at for a couple of nights. We were bummed that we couldn't take a honeymoon after we got married due to the cost of living together as a couple and of course bills that always had to be paid. I wish we could have went away together - but I can't change that and I hate that I have to think about what we would be doing instead of what I am now doing.
As I said, I'm so thankful for the time shared with you. I'm so grateful and blessed to have been your wife for the time that I was. I wish that I could have gotten to call you my husband for so much longer. (though of course I still do... but you know what I mean)
I learned and began to realize so much from you... Patience, inner strength, rationality, outer beauty, how to fight for what you love, and so much more. It was an honor to call you my husband.
And now to reminisce the highlights of that beautiful day.....
I'll never forget the special moments from our wedding day. I will remember forever the expression on your face when you saw me for the very first time. The first look. Your expression said it all. The love that your face showed was something I'd never seen before. Just the way you looked at me.... If I remember right the first words you said to me was that I was beautiful =) Something you always said, every single day, and something that I miss hearing. Well that day I truly felt beautiful, not only in my looks but everything I saw was beautiful. I was the happiest girl on Earth that day. Spencer, you were radiating with love that day -- you were so beautiful and handsome. You shined.
Standing up at the alter with you was so special... getting ready to become your wife. I couldn't stop smiling and I don't think I've ever smiled that much without faking it! =) There was just something about that moment, looking into your eyes, that I can't quite describe. I felt such deep love for you and I hope I can always, always remember that feeling.
I'm so, so glad that we agreed to write our own vows. I can't believe you had yours done in a matter of about 15 minutes! Mine took me a whole week and they still weren't done until about 1:30 AM the morning before the wedding - and to think it was originally my idea to write our own vows! But it turned out to be something so special and unique. Being able to customize them in our own way. The words that you said meant and still mean so much to me. Your vows rang true in the 3 months we spent before you got critically sick... and Spence even after you got sick you cherished me, you supported me in the things that I needed to do, you stood by me when I needed your support (even though you were so, so sick). You were the man that I needed you to be.
Nikki, because of you, I learn to live again. You brought me out of my self imposed darkness and brought me into the light and as I stood there, startled and blind in the brightness, you continued to hold my hand as I again found my sight. My footing was, and continues to be, unsure and I stumbled. Your strength kept me upright and continues to do so today.
I marvel at your compassion and beauty, both inside and out. I look forward to our lives together. Our love to strong that even the hand of death will only part us for a moment, until our spirits can again join each other on the other side.
I take these vows before God to be faithful, supportive, and to cherish you unwaveringly. I vow from this day forward to stand beside you through the good times and the bad. I vow to constantly strive to be the husband and protector you deserve me to be.
You hold my heart now and for all eternity. In Christ may we be together as one.
I'm sad that you were sick during our reception, but I still had a good time and I know that you did as well! I'm glad that you were able to catch up with your friends =) I was so tired after our wedding and so many things happened in such a short time I don't remember too much of it!!!
The first dance was amazing. Remember how we picked out the song?! My Best Friend, Tim McGraw. We were going through songs on the computer trying to find one. There were several that I really liked, but you weren't exactly fond of for our first dance song. We finally got to My Best Friend and as you were listening you spoke up and said that you really liked it, and then you began to cry! That was my que that this was the perfect song =) I remember while dancing on the floor I was so zoned into you and that moment! When I finally realized that everyone was standing there watching us I made a comment along the lines of, "If I were in this moment with any one but you, I'd be completely embarrassed because so many people are watching us!" You just smiled and held me close.
Our father/daughter and mother/son dance was great! Got many giggles out of that due to the wrong song being played! We wanted You've Got a Friend by James Taylor and instead we got You've Got a Friend in Me from ToyStory! Haha! It turned out really fun, though. I towered over my dad and it looked like you and your mom were having a fun time.
Because we didn't plan too far ahead and didn't pack up for the night, we couldn't go and grab a hotel room somewhere, we would have been about 2 hours later after the reception so that you could do a treatment and then pack up all of our stuff. We were both soooo exhausted as it was and so we were happy to just go back to my parents house and crash for the night. We went home and opened up all of our wedding gifts that night - what a moment to remember! We were so thankful (and I still am!!) at all of the generosity!
A wedding that I will remember forever. =)
I love you Spencer and I miss you every moment. You're always in my heart. Happy one year anniversary, SweetPea. Sending heaven so many kisses and warm embraces especially for you, my love.