Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Rough Patch

I have just been at a loss since Sunday, and especially tonight. I feel so defeated -- by nothing in particular but this life that I now have to adapt to. I been needing to and wanting to write for a few days now and so I'll start with Sunday and just write as I feel inspired to.

I had been wanting to get back in the swing of going to church for awhile.... it's just hard going back when you've been away - and I'd been away for around 2 months. Many different factors; being gone, missing Spencer; being lazy... etc. Well a couple of days leading up to Sunday I had a really strong desire to get myself to church, no matter what... and so that's just what I did -- I'm really glad that I went, but it was also really hard for me.
Upon walking into sacrament meeting I just felt kind of numb and not really sad, but not happy either. I really don't like being by myself at church, but at the same time I like to sit by myself and just reflect and have my personal time. I just wish, of course, that I had my husband by my side. While singing a hymn, for some reason I started thinking about how much Spencer just loved to sing, but how sad he was that he couldn't because of his coughing. I remembered how he would just randomly start singing a hymn that would pop into his head, over and over again. I loved hearing his voice and I could see the joy in his face he got from singing. I couldn't get his voice out of my head and specific moments that came to my mind as I thought about him singing. One of those moments being on the way to his dads funeral... He opened his hymnal on our drive to Pleasant Grove and sang his and his dads favorite hymns. It was just beautiful to listen to and knowing that he was trying to get peace and comfort from singing these hymns. I never once asked him to stop.
Maybe it was the specific hymn that we sang in church that hit me and made me think of Spencer, perhaps it was just a random thought - I don't know, but what I do know is that it really made my heart hurt and definitely brought tears to my eyes.
During sacrament meeting they talked a lot about family home evening, and spending time with family. Reading scriptures, praying, discussing with family. I'm just sad that I don't have that. =( I LOVE how my church is focused upon the family, but sometimes it hurts to hear everything revolving around the family and not much focus on the individuals who don't have a family that they live with. I guess that's part of being in a family branch, huh? A singles ward may solve that issue - except for the fact they like to talk about your future and finding a spouse... I'm not ready for that. I feel like I'm just stuck in the in-between of it all..... anyway....

Then during Relief Society I was asked to read a quote.... and mine just so happened to be about guilt and repentance. Ooooh man probably appropriate, but ehhhh. Boy have I felt a heck of a lot of guilt lately. Guilt for not going to church, not praying, not reading the scriptures, not living a christ-like life for awhile, and etc. I am just going to leave it at that, but it really got me to thinking again about how unhappy I have become with myself and my involvement within my church.

After church was over there was a baptism. I battled back and forth with myself about staying or leaving. I wanted to stay to give support to our new member, I wanted to be around members of my church longer because everyone is so kind, and I just really wasn't ready to go home. I didn't want to stay because just thinking about it brought up a lot of emotions and memories from my own baptism. Alas, I ended up staying... and I also ended up breaking down, sobbing, and having to leave for a few minutes while I tried to force myself to get it together.
I baptism was a year ago in May and it was a hugeee and very significant part of my life last year (and even today). Memories of my husband being the one to baptize me came flooding back. The day of my baptism seems like yesterday, yet at the same time it feels like such a blur (about like everything anymore).
Just a few of the thoughts I had:

  • My father-in-law was supposed to baptize and confirm me; he wasn't able to because his body was shutting down due to the cancer. He wasn't able to be there, which was really sad for me. I definitely had my heart set on him at least confirming me.

  • Very happy that my husband was able to be a HUGE part of that day by baptizing me. So very special. Happy that Elder Mercer was able to confirm me -- one of the missionaries who taught me.
  • My mother in law being there supporting me and how excited and happy she was for me, and how much she talked about my baptism to people. 

It was just sad because all three of those people, Spencer, my father in law, and my mother in law have all passed away within the last year.
What really got to me was when we got to the hymn of the baptism. Wow it hit me hard. It was "I am a Child Of God". Both Spencer and my MIL used to sing this song all of the time. Haha. When Spencer would sing it over and over again sometimes it would annoy me, but other times I would love it! So hearing that song sent me over the edge and I had to leave for a few minutes. Everything hit really hard at that moment... All the people I have lost and how horribly bad I miss all of them.

The rest of the day was okay, but of course I was a little down after church. I'm glad that I went back but I am just SO frustrated that going to church hurts me so much. That's when so many things come to surface and it's so hard to ignore them. I'm emotional from the presence of the spirit (which I am SO thankful for because it's something I've been longing to feel again....) and then I'm additionally emotional over what/who I miss.... which leads to a big sob fest that I'd rather not have in front of the whole congregation. -sigh-

Anyway.... next.

So ever since Sunday morning I have been waking up, and every morning Spencer is on my mind

(Aside from a weird dream I had last night about an ex-boyfriend I haven't talked to in awhile? Whhhat?! Why do I dream about my ex-boyfriends and not my husband.... I don't understand this lol).

On Sunday I couldn't stop thinking about Spencer and some of his quirks and things that he liked since I stayed up really late Saturday night talking about him with my sister.... On Monday I couldn't get some moments out of my mind from the ICU and then Monday night I went through his book collection.... This morning after I got over the weird dream I had I couldn't stop thinking about Spencer, just in general.
He really hasn't left my mind. And it's not necessarily sad things that enter my mind, it's happy things too - but even the happy things are making me sad because I just miss him.

And now for the most recent thing that has me feeling so lost... Moving. I am terrified and I feel so defeated about the whole thing. I am very nervous and scared about finding a place to live. Finding room mates that I will get a long with and hold the same standards as myself. Finding people who will allow me to live with them despite not having a job right off the bat. Being able to get a place near my friends who are going to be about the only ones who are able to help me through being back in Utah at first... goodness knows it's important I'm near my support network, because this is going to be so hard <3
I'm nervous about branching out again. Of course I'm excited, but I think right now I am more scared. I am doubting EVERYTHING. I am scared about being able to find a job. I sat down tonight and wrote out as much of a resume as I could... and I just don't have any experience aside from babysitting, and I can't do that anymore because I have to be able to fully support myself AND pay off debt.... I need a very decent paying job. I'm nervous because it seems like every job I look at they require a degree or some type of experience I just don't have and really have no way of getting. It's a cycle as I'm sure many of you know!!!! I can only apply and hope that they will interview me anyway. But I have to get a job ASAP after the move. =( I'm so scared of all of the what-ifs.

Right now I just don't want to move. I mean I want to because I want to get out of this town and be near my friends etc... but for every other reason I don't. I don't want to miss my family. I don't want to be so far away. I don't want to have to struggle. I don't want to hurt. I'm scared of the unknown. I'm afraid of not being able to do it. I'm scared of being overwhelmed and not having any one there for me. I don't want to start over! I don't want to continue living my life when Spencer is dead.. it's not fair =( I know that life isn't fair and that it sounds horrible and awful and well, just terrible.... but I'm just sad right now and all I want to do is cry.

And I officially don't know what else to say. I wish I felt better after typing that all out... but sadly this time I don't. =/

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