Sunday, December 4, 2011
My mind is in a haze. I'm shaking. I'm on the verge of tears. Spencer is just getting worse. Every day seems a little worse than the last. I don't know what to do. I just have that feeling that he's not going to get better. I know that no one can ever know what's going to happen. But I'm so scared. I'm so afraid I'm losing him. I'm not ready for this. I'm never going to be ready for this.
My heart is just broken. Shattered. This isn't fair and I don't understand it. I have no idea what possible good could come out of losing your husband, your best friend, the one you love the most.
I have that pit in my stomach that this is it. There isn't going to be a transplant. He's entirely too sick right now. I can't even imagine things without him. My life as been dedicated to him for the past 3 years. We've only been married 6 months... 3 months straight he's been in the hospital... and if you combine times between getting married and where we are now - I'm sure it's been 4 months total he's been in here. I feel like he DESERVES another shot at life. Why on Earth does he have to go? I'm not ready to lose him. I'm not ready for him to die.
I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think. Don't know how to act. I'm just a mess. I'm so terrified and completely pissed off. I'm hurt, upset.... broken. I want him to get better. I want to believe he's going to get better - but I can't have a false sense of hope. I also need to be realistic about the situation.
I just don't know how I'm supposed to do this. How I'm supposed to continue on. How I am supposed to bear the pain of losing him. I don't feel strong enough to do this.
I'm falling apart......