Another Thankful Thursday

I've decided to jump back on the bandwagon with the Thankful Thursday posts. Got the idea from Ronnie's blog and I've done it a few times - but I needed a good reason to post a blog, I think this is my good reason!!! =)

1 - I am so thankful for my new husband!!! He's my foundation for everything and I just don't know what I'd do without him. He got me through all the stress of the wedding planning and he continues to be here for me every single time I need his support.... and even when I don't!

2 - Very thankful for the weather both yesterday and today! It's been SUPER hot here in Kansas... upper 90's ever since we got here. Yesterday it only got into the mid 80's and today barely hit 70. The break from the heat was very much needed! And today was just BEAUTIFUL because not only was it cool, but the wind wasn't blowing either. Love days like this! Now where the moisture?! ;-)

3 - I'm thankful and so very blessed by the comfort and love of our Heavenly Father. Spence and I have been put through the ringer this year and I'm so glad I feel His love every single day. I am very sad to say that Spencer is going to lose his dad soon, but because we feel His comfort, support, and love, and because we know that we will see my father-in-law once again on the other side it makes just just a LITTLE bit easier - though we will never prepare ourselves for when the day comes, and it will never be easy to say that final "see you later"....

4 - I'm thankful for good health! Spencer has been doing fantastic!!!! We're 5 weeks out of the hospital (this Monday will be 6!) And he is still feeling good. He's had a few rough days where he's just needed to sleep - but I couldn't have asked for more for our wedding!!!! We've been able to spend some nice time with my family and actually enjoy ourselves because Spencer's not needing to go as soon as we get there. It's been fantastic. My health is being kind of rocky and I'm really nervous that I might be getting sick with my Crohn's disease - but I am still thankful that I felt good for our wedding, and that I am not bleeding from my intestines and even though eating is painful, it's not bad enough to where I'm not eating at all. As I've said so many times - It can also be worse, and it can. Just makes it a little bit easier for the "now"

Post # 100!!!

I can't believe that this is my 100th post! I didn't think I'd get here. Usually I start something and never stick with it - but blogging has helped me so much! I am able to express what I feel without feeling guilty and like I'm being a burden to others by venting all of my problems and frustrations. I have people who follow me on here who have great advice and who I can relate to.

I have tried keeping a journal - and it works, for awhile. I still write in it every once in awhile when either my problems are to personal for a blog or when I don't want certain people to be able to read my thoughts - but for the most part; this blog is PERFECT and just what I needed!!!

So YAY for me to getting to post 100!!! Here is blogging to 200 =)

Brief Wedding Post

I want to write so much more later - but firstly, I want to send my thanks to SO many people, whether they are reading this or not. I am very grateful for everyone who has helped us plan the wedding, let us borrow supplies, helped make the day smooth and much more. I just think that everyone deserves a bit of recognition, because it's just the least I can do.

My momma - Thank you SO much for EVERYTHING! You worked so hard to make everything fit together and work. You put my stress level at easy by helping and calming me down when everything got hard. You came to the rescue by helping to fix my dress and many other times. If it weren't for you I don't know how we could have made everything happen!!! It went incredibly smooth (aside from a few minor disappointments) and I do have to say 99% was because of you!!! THANKS MOM!!!!!

My bridesmaids, Amanda, and Jillana - You girls came to my RESCUE! There was so much to get done... which with one person alone it would have EASILY been a weeks worth of work - but you came through and we got it all done in a day! I had a great time putting together decorations with all of you - they looked GREAT! You were there to calm me down when everything seemed to be falling apart. =) When I couldn't think of how to do something - one of you would have a brilliant idea! You all let me rest the night before the big day by stepping up and doing a WONDERFUL job decorating the church! Your improvisations were perfect! =) Thanks for everything - I can't say that enough!!!!

Arielle!!!! - THANK YOU for doing a WONDERFUL job with the pictures - I know that we haven't even seen them yet - but I just know that they are going to be GREAT.. Heck with over 3,000 pictures taken I know they are going to be perfect and just what we're looking for. You were SO great to work with and I can't wait to give you a LOVELY testimonial for your photography business! Everything went very smoothly. Thanks also for helping with decorations! It was fun and I had a great time =) Thanks for understanding that my brain was just COMPLETELY fried and having the patience to listen to me even though I repeated myself 10 times ;-) you were great!

Ellin - Thank you SO much for keeping my mom SANE! She was so super stressed out, but then you arrived and took so so much off of her shoulders. You were a huge help in getting things set up, taking things down, and helping to make the day go so great! We had a great time while you were here - especially at the farm!!!! Come back soon some day!!! =)

Lauren and Molly - It meant SO much to Spencer and I that despite feeling so sick you were there for us on our incredibly special day! I hope you both get to feeling better real soon! =) It really shows us how much you care about us that you were there. You both hold SUCH a special place in our hearts. I hate how far away we are from each other! We had an amazing time chatting the day after the wedding - SO glad we got that chance!!! Love you both!!!

Tessa - Thanks for reading for our wedding!!!! I know how much you didn't want to but you were a trooper with it! Sorry it was a last minute thing but you did GREAT! Don't doubt yourself so much; have some confidence!!! It sounded wonderful!

Jaime - Thank you for lighting the candles for us! I don't know you all that well, but i'm very thankful that you stepped up and helped us out!!! You looked so pretty!!!

Tina, Karen, and Jan - Thank you very, very much for running the food tables!!!! I know you took a lot of stress off of my family by helping us out with that =)

To all of our guests - We cannot thank you enough for supporting us on SUCH a special day!!! We realize how many people really care about us!!! I hope you all enjoyed yourselves at the wedding and reception and again, THANK YOU for setting aside this date to spend with us!!!

To our of town guests who traveled 12 + hours to be here - THANK YOU! really - you made us feel SO special!!!!!!!!! It would have been so easy to not make that LONG trip to Kansas and back to your homes the EXACT same day... but you did - all for us.... We are forever grateful that you could share our day with us!!!! You're always going to have a special place in our heart. We love you guys so very much <3

I KNOW there are so many more people to thank - and i will get to that but these were the people that immediately came to my mind that deserved some recognition.

all Spencer and I can say is.... thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Letting the words flow...

You know... I don't even know exactly what to write - I guess I just want to let the words flow. Apologies if nothing makes sense - don't bother.... And I'm ok, please don't worry about me.. I'm just having a really, really down night.

I think everything is just building up and getting to me. I don't think anything specific has triggered me to feel this way - but there has been SO much going on. So many major life events. So many happy moments, sad moments, and really hard moments. I feel like I'm struggling to hold on. I want to cry - I want to talk about it... but the tears just won't flow and I don't even know the words to say. It's all internal - I can't externalize anything. I get on the verge of tears, and then somehow, not even trying to - I choke them back.

I wish that being strong on the inside was as easy as putting on a strong front on the outside, you know? I want to remain strong.. Maybe that's why I can't bring myself to cry or show emotion. I've told myself that I have to be strong for Spencer. I know he's struggling and having a hard time. We always seem to struggle at the exact same moments and it sucks. We break down at the same time.... so who's the strong one?

I'm worrying about a million things at once...

I'm worried about our financial situation - it's probably my number one concern. I can't find a job. I lost VR services from Kansas and it's taking forever to get services from Utah. And even that appointment didn't sound promising. Spencer got 100 dollars cut from his SSI and so we have less than 600 dollars to live off of next month.. factor in rent and phone we barely enough for groceries.... we need a miracle. I'm so worried. It seems like all these unknown costs are coming up - Spencer's medications, extra gas money needed, repairs for certain things. And oh jeeze.. ya... Spencer got a bill for over $200 from the hospital... so are we now going to be charged a co-pay for every hospitalization... if so - we're going to be in debt for the rest of our lives. We can't afford to live, let alone pay over 200 dollars for each hospitalization... Now I don't know what exactly the bill was for - but it's just my guess; we'll find out more on Monday. I pray that in some way we won't have to pay it. I'm so nervous.

Spencer's dad seems to be getting worse every day. It sucks. I'm trying to stay as strong as I can for Spencer but it's really hard to see someone you love die. I know its tearing Spencer up inside but it seems like he's putting on this front. I really hope it's not affecting him too much. It's hard staying so strong for him. He's grown SO close to his dad these last few months and I have come to find out what an incredible person his father has become. I'm so sad I don't get to know him more. I won't get to spend more time with him. I'm sad he wasn't able to attend my baptism. I'm grateful, though, that I got a few words in with him while he could still carry a conversation. I was thankful that i got to hold his hand and kiss his head and tell him that I'm proud to call him my father-in-law...

I'm so tired of coming home to a messy house. This house is NOT a representation of who I am. I don't like clutter - I know that as a teen I was pretty messy; but after having my own place, my own space - I HATE when it is messy. I want it clean and I want to enjoy it. But We've been so busy lately and had so much stuff going on, I feel like I can never get caught up with cleaning. There are boxes everywhere - trash on the floors... dirty dishes strung everywhere, laundry never seems to be done. I just want to start FRESH. When I come home I don't want to have to clear off a spot to sit down... I don't want to have to think about cleaning the dishes, doing some laundry, or picking up the floor from all of our wedding gifts we're getting. I want to be able to relax. God you know how long it's been since I've been able to relax... TRULY relax with everything leaving my my mind... forever. I don't even remember when. I can't get caught up with anything. I do dishes, but then it seems like there are a million more the next time I turn around. I hate this =/

I'm tired of typing.. I"m just tired. I hope tomorrow is better and I get out of this foul mood. i hate it.. =/

So stinkin' PROUD!!!!

I haven't blogged in awhile, I realize this - but there has been so much going on and I just haven't had the words to blog. But I'm getting there - slowly but surely to letting out all of my thoughts and telling you about all the crazy events that have been going on

But for now... I want to share with you, share with the world how freakin' proud I am of the love of my life.

I just can't seem to say it enough. I've told him countless times these past few weeks how proud of him I am. I've posted it online. I've told my mom. I've smiled to myself and though "wow I'm so proud." But nothing can honestly and truly express how proud I am of Spencer Riddle.

This boy has been through the ringer. He's been put through SO much this month - tested beyond all belief, but yet here he is almost 3.5 weeks out of the hospital and he's still kickin!!! He's not just coasting by - he's picking up the pace and feeling wonderful. It has been SO, SO long since the time that he's been out of the hospital and 3 weeks later still feeling the same as the day he left. This is HUGE strides for us.

There is so much crap going on in our lives yet he's healthy!!!

for one.... His dad is battling cancer, and has gotten very sick, and taken a turn for the worse this last week. I know this just tears Spencer up inside, and I truly expected it to take a negative role on his health - but he is just trucking along - living his emotions and not letting it slow him down.

Two..... We've lost 100 dollars a month to live and we were barely making it by as it was... but yet he's not letting that get to him and he's just blowing past it, making the best of what we have.

And these are just two of the big things in our lives weighing us down... this isn't to mention everything.

The every day battle to get up in the morning and do his treatments. The battle to remember to take every single med and boil all his nebs. The grueling routine of being active and exercising.

But he's doing it!!!!!

He has taken all his meds every single day..... We're working on getting better at boiling his nebs every day and we've been succeeding. We're WAY more active than we were being, I have Spencer come with me about everywhere I go so that we can get out of the house more frequently and just move around a lot more.

The exercise part - well we're still working on it... It's hard to do - but I think being active and working up to being able to bike for 15 minutes is working. With being in the hospital so frequently this year his strength and stamina have just left completly. So it seems like it's taking FOREVER to build it back up. But I know it's slowly working with just getting out and walking around doing errands - that's more than what he was doing.

He's gaining some weight - I've been like, force feeding him.... And I know it's paying off.

Gosh I am JUST SO PROUD!!!! And I don't know how else to express it. I can't wipe this smile off of my face and I want to tear up when I am talking about it.

It means so much to me that he is doing every single thing he can to stay healthy... for himself, for me, for our future.... It's amazing... :)

Day 22

Day 22 - Your favorite city

I don't know if I can choose a favorite city - I mean honestly, I haven't been to too many. I LOVE Salt Lake City. There is so much to do and the view is amazing. But I also REALLY enjoyed San Diego while I was there a few summers ago. I can't choose =)

Motivation (or lack thereof)

I'm lacking so much motivation right now. I was doing great all through the semester and with my first final - but I have two to go, one tomorrow and one Wednesday and I cannot focus enough to study to save my life. I try, but then I think of something else that seems much more important.

Not good. I've missed the last couple weeks of class because there is SO much going on in my life right now. Though I think I am starting to sort everything out and work around it all - but it doesn't help that my lack of motivation hits around the time of finals and when I have SO much catching up to do!!!

I'm just done.. I don't want to do anymore... but isn't that how almost every student is around this time of year. Anything to procrastinate only 2 tests left. You'd think that only 2 tests left and then being done would be source for motivation to just do it and get it out of the way... wrong. Unfortunately that is SO wrong!

Not to mention that since we've been in the hospital for two weeks - my eating has been TERRIBLE and I haven't slept very well.... This plays a huge tole on my body. I am starting to feel SO sick from the crap I'm putting into my body and the little sleep that I'm getting. BLAH. So of course I'm feeling really nauseous and so terribly unhealthy and I'm so fatigued and tired. It's hard to keep my eyes open let alone focus on a page of 1,000 little words having to focus to keep it from becoming a blur. I haven't the energy to even sit up... honestly - it's that bad. My body feels like it might just fall apart right now.

Oh dear how i CANNOT wait to get home *hopefully* tomorrow. Spence has PFTs tomorrow at 11 and the plan is to discharge.. his FEV1 is at 31% I think up from 23% upon admit. Making progress but I'm kind of worried about tomorrow. It'll be ok. Just have to think positive. I can't wait to get home. Start doing some walking or cycling. Eating fruits and veggies and small portions of healthy meals!!!! The thought of a hamburger, chicken sandwiches, grilled cheeses just turns my stomach upside down!!!! Even thinking of ice cream, and juice makes me sick. I want ice water.. No sugar. Amazing how much you miss the things you can't really have >.<

Anyway... Here's to finding some inner motivation to get me through tonight!!!!!

-Nikki

(and ps... Of course I had to say in one of my last blog posts that I want to try and write at least once a day.... my computer crapped out. The screen went black and I can't use it. So I have to share Spencer's computer ((which I accidently turned into 'mine' through google accounts! explanation later XD)) So I don't get on the computer much to say the least! Doesn't look like I'll be able to afford much of anything any time soon... UGH.... so blog posts daily only if I get the chance!)