Friday, May 20, 2011

Letting the words flow...

You know... I don't even know exactly what to write - I guess I just want to let the words flow. Apologies if nothing makes sense - don't bother.... And I'm ok, please don't worry about me.. I'm just having a really, really down night.

I think everything is just building up and getting to me. I don't think anything specific has triggered me to feel this way - but there has been SO much going on. So many major life events. So many happy moments, sad moments, and really hard moments. I feel like I'm struggling to hold on. I want to cry - I want to talk about it... but the tears just won't flow and I don't even know the words to say. It's all internal - I can't externalize anything. I get on the verge of tears, and then somehow, not even trying to - I choke them back.

I wish that being strong on the inside was as easy as putting on a strong front on the outside, you know? I want to remain strong.. Maybe that's why I can't bring myself to cry or show emotion. I've told myself that I have to be strong for Spencer. I know he's struggling and having a hard time. We always seem to struggle at the exact same moments and it sucks. We break down at the same time.... so who's the strong one?

I'm worrying about a million things at once...
I'm worried about our financial situation - it's probably my number one concern. I can't find a job. I lost VR services from Kansas and it's taking forever to get services from Utah. And even that appointment didn't sound promising. Spencer got 100 dollars cut from his SSI and so we have less than 600 dollars to live off of next month.. factor in rent and phone we barely enough for groceries.... we need a miracle. I'm so worried. It seems like all these unknown costs are coming up - Spencer's medications, extra gas money needed, repairs for certain things. And oh jeeze.. ya... Spencer got a bill for over $200 from the hospital... so are we now going to be charged a co-pay for every hospitalization... if so - we're going to be in debt for the rest of our lives. We can't afford to live, let alone pay over 200 dollars for each hospitalization... Now I don't know what exactly the bill was for - but it's just my guess; we'll find out more on Monday. I pray that in some way we won't have to pay it. I'm so nervous.

Spencer's dad seems to be getting worse every day. It sucks. I'm trying to stay as strong as I can for Spencer but it's really hard to see someone you love die. I know its tearing Spencer up inside but it seems like he's putting on this front. I really hope it's not affecting him too much. It's hard staying so strong for him. He's grown SO close to his dad these last few months and I have come to find out what an incredible person his father has become. I'm so sad I don't get to know him more. I won't get to spend more time with him. I'm sad he wasn't able to attend my baptism. I'm grateful, though, that I got a few words in with him while he could still carry a conversation. I was thankful that i got to hold his hand and kiss his head and tell him that I'm proud to call him my father-in-law...

I'm so tired of coming home to a messy house. This house is NOT a representation of who I am. I don't like clutter - I know that as a teen I was pretty messy; but after having my own place, my own space - I HATE when it is messy. I want it clean and I want to enjoy it. But We've been so busy lately and had so much stuff going on, I feel like I can never get caught up with cleaning. There are boxes everywhere - trash on the floors... dirty dishes strung everywhere, laundry never seems to be done. I just want to start FRESH. When I come home I don't want to have to clear off a spot to sit down... I don't want to have to think about cleaning the dishes, doing some laundry, or picking up the floor from all of our wedding gifts we're getting. I want to be able to relax. God you know how long it's been since I've been able to relax... TRULY relax with everything leaving my my mind... forever. I don't even remember when. I can't get caught up with anything. I do dishes, but then it seems like there are a million more the next time I turn around. I hate this =/

I'm tired of typing.. I"m just tired. I hope tomorrow is better and I get out of this foul mood. i hate it.. =/

1 comment:

  1. Nikki, you should see your bishop with Spencer. The church can and will help anyone in need. Make the phone call today, set up a time. I promise life will get better when you use the church's resources. My family personally has received nothing but blessings from the church's resources. I don't know why I didn't think of this earlier.
    Love you guys.