Saturday, February 18, 2012

Getting Real...

Can we please just be real for a little bit? It gets exhausting putting up rose colored statuses and posting positive blogs all of the time. But with this blog post I'm going to get real... After all, it is MY blogs.. MY thoughts... MY opinions. If you don't like it then nothing is telling you to continue to read, you know? I shouldn't always have to feel like I need to protect everyone else from my feelings, though for some reason it's been hard to post how I am truly feeling. I don't want to feel judged. I don't want people to know how much I am hurting. I don't want all of this unsolicited advice and this is mainly why I haven't been posting. That and opinions that really aren't necessary. Opinions that hurt my soul.
I appreciate the comments and well wishes, but I don't appreciate people trying to tell me how they think I should be feeling, or what they think I should be doing. But dang it, I don't feel like I have many people to turn to. Who do I talk to? I just don't feel like there are very many people in my immediate circle who understand how I am feeling. No one gets it spot on, some do better than others. I just need an outlet for myself, and blogging is that outlet. I appreciate more than ever when people read my blog and make comments. I've been writing a lot on my personal blog, and yes it does help me - but it doesn't have the same effect. It's not public and so people cannot comment on it. I just feel so alone. I love reading the comments on my blog. It makes me realize that there are more people out there that do understand at least a portion of what I am going through. I need that kind of support. It's helpful for me.

I just want to say that I am probably not doing as well as many people think I am. Yes, I do have really good moments, but don't we all... But right now it seems like even in some of those good moments I am struggling in some way.. In fact these last 3 weeks I have been struggling, not necessarily outwardly... but very much internally... Internally it has been a battle for the last three weeks with how I am feeling, my thoughts, my emotions, my actions. My day to day life and tasks have been an internal struggle.... But I tend to never let it show... I keep this strong and positive facade nearly all of the time. I have been strong for too long, and I don't know how to let down that wall. In all of my life with Spencer I have had to be strong and supportive; now that I don't have to anymore, I feel so lost. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know how to properly let out my emotions and my feelings. And my emotions are just so complicated. They are ones I have never in my life felt before. And it's a mixture of about a dozen different feelings. I can't sort through them. I can't get them out of my mind and down on paper, or through my mouth into words. It's this fog of thoughts and feelings that cannot unwind. It's so unlike me to not be able to express how I am feeling. When I try - I don't even touch the surface.

Part of me wants to be able to let it all out; but another part of me is scared. I don't want to feel the pain, heartache, and hurt. I don't want everyone to know how badly I hurt so therefore I rarely talk about it... I guess that's the part that I need to be able to overcome. To not be so scared of my own feelings. I know that it's okay to let it out. I know that it's healthy to be able to let it out - but I can't for some reason. It's been really hard. =/

I've been feeling very lonely. I don't think I need to go into much detail about that. But I see the same faces every single day. And at the end of the day I don't have that special someone to turn to. When i'm hurting and when I'm upset... when I'm needing someone I don't have him anymore. I just want his arms wrapped around me telling me that everything is going to be okay and giving me some unique way to look at the situation and help me through it. Giving me the loving advice he always did. When I was at the funeral on Thursday it really hit me how much I miss his presence. I felt so alone. No one to turn to. My mom was busy with family and making sure that my dad was okay. I didn't want to take up all of her attention because it shouldn't be focused on just me - other people have problems besides myself. I just miss the person that I could always turn to, without a doubt, no matter the situation. He was always, always there.
I miss having someone to share EVERYTHING with. I felt so comfortable talking to Spencer about anything. I find that there are so many little things I just really wish that I could go run and tell him. To laugh with him about. But alas I no longer have that.
None of my friends are here either. That's another part of feeling horribly lonely. I am in my house all day, or I am working watching Ashlyn. I don't see many faces. My High school friends are off at college, and honestly - even if they were home, we are all in different chapters of our lives. It's so hard for each other to grasp what the other person is going through. It's hard to relate anymore. I don't have any of my friends from Utah. I miss them all terribly. But then again - I'm sadly moved on to somewhat of a different chapter in my life. I'm a widow. Few, if any, of my friends can relate. (friends in person, that is.) I was so happy because I met so many friends who were married couples and I had that in common with them... but now I am not married. It's just different. I'm not saying they aren't my friends anymore, no not saying that at all... but it's just different and it's hard for me to know what to talk about.

Spencer's death has consumed me, it seems. Anything I talk about somehow is related to Spencer. I find myself ALWAYS wanting to bring Spencer's name up whenever I can. My life for the past 2 months has been living a life without my Pea. It's hard to think of anything else. And so my conversations with others aren't very fulfilling. What do I talk about? I haven't done anything. I sit at home on the computer. I write. I read. I play with my dog. I talk with my family. I work. That's it. I haven't done anything else for 2 months. (really, for 5 months now....) It's just hard. I feel like I'm ALWAYS talking about Spencer. Like every other word out of my mouth is about Spencer.
And I think I know why....

[Please know that I know that no one has actually forgotten... But this is how I feel and I'm trying to be as expressive as I possibly can...]

I feel like everyone has forgotten Spencer. Like they have forgotten he's gone. They have forgotten that I have had a very devastating loss in my life very recently. I feel like everyone thinks that because it has been 2 months, for some reason I have continued to move on. No one talks about Spencer any more. I rarely hear is name. I rarely hear stories about Spencer. I feel like everyone has closed that chapter of their lives and have moved on to another one. It's like if I don't say his name, it won't be said. If I don't tell stories of Spencer they will be forgotten. If I don't remember constantly I am going to somehow forget.
And it's not only just talking about Spencer. It's rare that people ask me how I am doing anymore. Not just in a general "how are you doing" question. But asking me how I am with Spencer's death. It's like it's a taboo topic anymore. Before I was geting asked this question left and right. And while yes sometimes it got really old really fast, I was glad that people were thinking about me. But now that the cards have stopped coming, the messages and txts have stopped... the questions have stopped - I feel like people have just forgotten about Spencer and about myself. =/ Here I am thinking about it every single day. Missing him every day of my life. Of course I do though... he was the center of it. My focus. I don't expect to move on after 2 months. It's going to take a VERY long time and I will never actually move on... things will just change... but I hate knowing that other people are seemingly having an easier time with it. (i know that sounds weird.. of course they are going to have an easier time... I'm just jealous, you know...) I want to be able to move on with my life and be happy. I want to be ready to move back to Utah, to start school again, to find a job, to make new friends.

But dang it - I don't know how I am going to do any of that. I can't just go back and resume where I left off. I do not have anything to go back to.. I don't have Spencer to go back to, I don't have our home to go back to... I don't have the hospital to go back to. It's all changed. That chapter in my life is over. I have to be ready to actually start a new chapter before I move back, and right now I'm NOT.
You know I always wondered what it would feel like when I fog and haze from what happened would lift. I wanted it to so that I could get on with the process of grieving and healing. But now that it has lifted and I am seeing the true colors of this situation.. I hate it and I wish I could go back and have the fog there again. =/

I've been feeling at a loss.... of and with everything. I don't even feel like I know who I am sometimes. I question everything. What do I want to do with my life now? WHO AM I?! This is going to take a whole lot of self discovery. I thought I had it all figured out, but I'm not so sure anymore. So much has changed in such a small amount of time.
I have to start all over again... with just about everything. I dread it. I do not want to at all. I don't even know where to begin, you know?

I'm lost =( I don't know where to turn. The thought of my future haunts me. I dont want to think about it, but then again I do. I just don't know what to do with myself.
I'm lost, I'm lonely, I'm hurting.... That about sums it up.

I just think it's important to share that I'm not doing so great. I do try and be optimistic, and I do try to be positive - but I can't be all of the time, and it probably wouldn't hurt me if I would stop trying and actually be pessimistic and negative. Maybe it would help knock some of my walls down. I don't know.

I just wish people would continue to ask me how I am doing with the loss. I want to be able to be honest and open about it as well. I don't want people to ask me how I am because they feel they have to... but because they WANT to and because they truly care. You know I had so many friends pop out of the wood work when I lost Spencer. But now where are they? It's only been 2 months and I feel like everyone has disappeared. Even some of my close friends. =/ it's just really frustrating for me. I don't want to feel alone and I want to feel like people really do care. That's all....

I miss you Spencer. so much. And I love you forever and for all eternity, just like I promised you in my vows. <3


  1. Oh Nikki, how I can relate to so much of that. The intense loss, the feeling alone, being afraid you'll forget (even though you never will.). Just know our situations are very similar and if you ever need to talk or just text with someone who understands, I am here for you. I wont judge.. and maybe in our sadness we can help each other. Hugs.

  2. Nikki,
    Remember that your grief is unique to you-there is no wrong or right way to feel it. It's messy and personal and difficult to process- and I think those who have experienced their own grief will understand that it's really not a graceful process. Give yourself all the space and time you need, and in the meantime feel free to express yourself here-you're among friends and people who love you. Much love to you. And to Spencer.