Saturday, February 11, 2012

The 11th...

What a post to bring me back from my blog hiatus. -sigh- I haven't been feeling up to blogging every day lately. Not even every few days. Every time I started a blog my mind would go blank and my fingers couldn't type.

But I knew I would want to write a blog today. I knew what it was going to be about and everything... little did I know yet another turn of events would happen that have changed my blog post idea yet again.... My mind is jumbled and a million thoughts are running across my mind....

The 11th hasn't been the best day of the month for me and today just adds to it, unfortunately.
June 11th, 2011 my father-in-law passed away from cancer.

Little did I know that 6 months later, on December 11th, 2011, my husband would also lose his life as well from Cystic Fibrosis..

Well today... on February 11th, 2011 - my Grandma Johnson joined Spencer and dad in Heaven. She's been suffering for a long time now. The last week has been horrible for her. She couldn't breathe, she couldn't talk at all. She was sleeping constantly, not waking up. In pain and discomfort. Getting morphine and medication to keep her calm. But now she's breathing much easier, free of all ailments. I am glad she's not suffering, it is a blessing she's passed on. But it doesn't make it any easier.

If I had not just lost Spencer 2 months ago, maybe this would all be easier to handle. I could see the light at the end of the tunnel... That even though she is gone, she isn't suffering at all. But right now I am struggling and hurting a great amount. Who knew that this specific 11th would be so hard to bare. I keep getting flashbacks from exactly 2 months ago, to the day. I had forgotten some of the emotions I felt leading up to making the decision to end life support. I forgot how hard it was on that day to see Spencer hurting. How hard it was to make decisions for him. To make the choice to give him Morphine to make him comfortable knowing that it would take away his ability to communicate with me. I just forgot how I felt that day. Even though I had a since of peace that it was ending... I forgot how hard it was.
Until today.... until the day that every emotion I had is coming flooding back to me. Exactly 2 months later. I find myself looking at the clock, thinking back to what was happening at this point 2 months ago, and then I hollar at myself to not torture myself by thinking of the things that happened by the hour. To just let it be.

I knew today wouldn't be easy... It marks another month that I have lived without my Pea. Another month that I have experienced things I will never get to share with him. Learned things we will never get to share. Grew 2 months older with him staying young. It hurts. Each passing moment gets just a little bit harder. But I really didn't think the 11th would bring another heartbreak. Another reason to despise it.

Yesterday we knew my grandma was not doing well. She would barely wake up. She definitely couldn't talk and only opened her eyes once for my dad. I told my sister that she had to avoid passing away tomorrow (today) because it was the 11th, the day Spencer died. I didn't think I could handle something happening tomorrow (today.) Great. That didn't happen. She couldn't hold on anymore. Not even another day. And so today I am left with yet another crack in my heart putting so much stress on it that it may break. I am extremely vulnerable and I can't stand to think of something else going 'wrong'.

I'm most definitely not ready to go through this process again. To sit and watch someone write her obituary. To plan the details of the funeral. To go to the funeral. I'm just not ready. Granted, I will never be ready...... but 2 months later going through another family members funeral is not okay with me. My heart, body, mind, and soul is incredibly weak, raw, and exposed. Going through the motions again is going to stir up all kinds of emotions and feelings I don't care to experience any time soon.

And I can't help but just kind of beat myself up about not going to see her. I mean I know that, yes, I did have a valid reason to steer away and not spend a little time with her since I got home from Utah. I haven't seen her since I got married, in June. I feel so bad that I didn't see her again. When I got home from Utah she was put in the hospital. I wasn't ready to go back to a hospital setting and see someone so sick... so I stayed home. I didn't go up to the home for Christmas because I wasn't feeling the best from a cold... but of course I still could have went. I just really didn't want to see the whole family. I didn't want to be around everyone. I didn't want to see someone sick again. I didn't think my heart could handle that. But she did get a little better at some point. My dad continued to ask me to go up and see her. Again and again I told myself I would later.... that right at that moment I wasn't strong enough to handle it. I wouldn't know what to say. I wouldn't know how to act. But time and time again I kept putting it off. And then she got really sick. To the point where she couldn't eat, couldn't speak. Great I really did it then. I put it off all those times she was "healthy" and now she's sick and dying. I wanted to go and see her, but I KNEW I couldn't this last week. Because she was on hospice, because we knew she was dying. I didn't want to be around that. I'm just upset at myself. I don't care what anyone else thinks about me not visiting her... I just missed my chance to see her one last time. How could I? I'm REALLY trying not to worry about it... but it's on my mind a lot. As I said... of course I had my reasons... but Why I couldn't I overcome it just once to have just went that one time to see her? Ahhhhh...... The things you look back on and beat yourself up over....

I've also been thinking about how numb I have felt recently. How I haven't really felt happy, nor sad. I haven't thought about Spencer a lot. A friend said to me that my body will feel again when it is ready. I got from that that maybe my body isn't in a position in which it is ready to feel so much pain. And right now... I believe it was trying to spare me for a few weeks.... somehow preparing me for this. Who knows how this all works... who knows if my body knew something was going to happen soon.... but I guess here is the answer to my prayers... the answer to me pleads of wanting to feel something again. Wanting to be able to think about Spencer since, for some reason, he hasn't been on my mind a lot. God answers our prayers in VERY mysterious ways. I just wish it wasn't this way... =/

I guess I don't know what else to say. I'll save my other thoughts for a different blog post. Today I think I'm just going to take it easy... let my body feel every single emotion it needs to feel. Heck I might even just choose to be depressed today. Watch some sappy movies and force myself to cry. It could turn out to be pretty cleansing. I don't know... I'm just going to take it as it comes. And continue to hate the 11th of every month that much more.

Grandma, may you rest in peace. We all love you very, very much.

I miss you Spence. You're in my heart forever and always..... annnd by the way.... I saw this on Pinterest and it really spoke to me.... Perfect. so much that I very spontaneously ordered this from her Etsy shop just an hour earlier to read "Spencer Pea" in the heart..... I can't wait for it to get here....


  1. Nikki I am so sorry, you must be going through hell today. I'm here for you if you wanna talk. Love you snickerrz.

  2. I understand you have had alot going on. I understand you don'r feel strong and didn't feel up to visiting your grandma, but visiting her was for her, not you. Not going was selfish. Think of others and you may feel better. We always find strength for people we love.

    1. Anonymous, I hope you feel better, now that you have shared your warmth and kindness with a fellow human being in mourning. You are clearly a brave, happy, kind person. I know that Nikki appreciates your love, your kind words, as she endures the process of, once again, saying goodbye to someone she loves dearly. Also, I'd like to take the opportunity to congratulate you on being perfect. What an unusual and impressive quality in a person!

      As Moliere, (a man ALMOST as wise as you) once said,

      "One ought to examine himself for a very long time before thinking of condemning others."

    2. I really didn't know that anyone was PERFECT until i read this response. Until you have experienced something, you should not judge others and how they feel. If you do not like reading about something, click off of it and do not return and for heavens sake, do not make accusations about something you know NOTHING about. Take it from her mother AND father, we have been there with her and understand the devastation she is experiencing.

    3. How rude Anon. Nikki is the strongest person I have ever seen. Obviously you have not lost your husband for such a horrible disease like Cystic fibrosis. Nikki Made this blog for A.Helping Her go through emotions after losing Spencer and B.Vent. She shouldn't need your approval. If your going to criticize what Nikki writes,you shouldn't be here. I hope your happy with Upsetting someone who has experienced so much loss. Glad you feel better about yourself.

  3. ...Anonymous. Shut up. You don't know what it would have been like for her. I was at the hospital, I saw Nikki with Spencer. You have NO right to judge. None what so ever! Her grandma loves her. She would understand. Why the hell would you post something like that? THAT was a cold and selfish move. Keep to yourself instead of saying hurtful things or assuming the worst in people.

  4. Under any regular circumstance I would never entertain your rude, selfless, and heartless comment on my blog, Anon.... But today, I am NOT at all in the mood to put up with such a disgusting comment and I am darned well going to post how I feel.

    Obviously you have not been through hell and back with losing a dear father, your spouse and best friend, and then your grandmother in an 8 month period.
    You have not done anything close to sitting in an ICU room for 3 months straight watching your husband fight for every single breath he took, on life support, working to get in good enough shape for a double lung transplant in which he was never able to receive. You have not experienced the heartbreak of watching your husband battle sepsis infections time after time, collapsed lungs several times, massive hemoptysis, organ failure of 3 different organs, a nutrition level (or lack thereof) that should have killed him long before he died among countless other things. You have not sat there holding the hand of your soul mate whom you want to be with for the rest of your life and watching that person slip away from you in the blink of an eye after only sharing 6 short months of the rest of your life together. You obviously have not been in a position to where you have had to make the heart breaking decision of discontinuing life support which would end your best friend, husband, and soul mates life.
    And just for the record I don't think that you do understand any thing that has been going on in my life this last year based upon the comment that you so kindly posted on my blog. You don't even begin to understand the heartbreak I have been through.
    And just for your information I think of others CONSTANTLY. so much more than I EVER think about myself. After 4 months of self discovery after losing my dear husband I have truly realized how selfless of a person I am. It may be a flaw of mine sometimes but right now I'm PROUD of it. Don't you DARE even begin to call me selfish. After being through what I went through I think you would have some of the same feelings that I did and the enormous amount of inner conflict and turmoil that I had EVERY SINGLE DAY about going to visit my grandma. the decision to not see her did not come lightly and of course I regret it now.... but I cannot go back and undo not going to visit her. How dare you post words so deeply painful on such a hard day.
    Congratulations... you got what you want... attention and the satisfaction of deeply upsetting me. Hope you're happy, Anon!!!