Wednesday, September 28, 2011
I just feel numb. I have been through a roller coaster of emotions this last week and I'm ready to jump off. I can't even thank straight. When I think something is starting to improve, I find another hurdle I have to jump over - this one higher than the last. It's so hard. I don't feel like I can even function anymore. Even the every day tasks are becoming a huge chore and oh-so hard to accomplish. I've been at this 10 days and I'm ready to be done.. but alas... we have a long road ahead. There is no telling when Spencer might get to come home.. but I know it's going to be awhile. He's still not up to par. They think they can remove the chest tube soon - but he's still having multiple problems.
For reasons I really don't wish to discuss publicly (and I do hope that you can respect me for keeping this private) - tonight was the worse night I've had in a very, very long time. I thought last Monday was bad when everything first happened - but tonight nearly tops it. It's been EXTREMELY emotional for me and I can't even wrap my mind around it.
I guess this is why I'm feeling numb.
I've cried so, so many tears... I've been so angry... so hurt. I'm mad at God... I'm mad at our situation. I'm upset at how some things are playing out. I'm sad - Goodness I am sad, I can't even describe. I want to cry.. I want to scream out... but I just can't. I have nothing left. I'm numb. I'll be on the verge of tears... creeping up in my eyes, and just when i'm ready to let it all out it stops... It goes away. I just need to cry in my house.. where no one can see me. Where I can just let it all lose - cry as loud, long, and hard as I want. But I can't - it just won't come.
I got this quote from a fellow CF Wife and I think it fits perfectly right now:
"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief.... and unspeakable love." - Washington Irving
I'm just overwhelmed with emotion tonight and I just feel like there are a million strings ripping at my heart. I feel torn into so many different pieces that can't be put back together.
When people ask how I'm doing... for some reason I still can't allow myself to tell them that I'm not ok. =/ I don't know why - every time I try I just stop and correct myself... tell them that things are getting better and I'm getting through everything better than the previous day - But i'm really not. How long is it going to take me to finally tell people the TRUTH.. I don't think I ever will.
I just needed to vent. It's been a rough night... a rough week. This isn't anywhere near coming to an end.. and I just need a little peace in my life... >.< I want to feel - I just don't want to feel every single emotion there is to feel, you know? It will happen - just not soon enough....