Friday, September 23, 2011

I don't care how negative this might sound... I don't even care if it makes sense. I don't care if anyone is offended. I apologize in advance and you all have to realize that I am strung VERY thin right now and I'm struggling to keep it together. So just bear with me and hold nothing against me. I just have to get my feelings and raw emotions out... whether it sounds mean or not... It's not good or healthy for me to keep everything in.....
And now I begin.

I am REALLY struggling today. I think this is the worse day I've had so far. I have no idea how Spencer is doing today and for that I feel terrible. I can't get up the strength and the courage to get ready to head up to the hospital and see him. I can't even get the courage to call them and ask how he is doing. I am so scared that they are either going to tell me that something has gotten worse.. or I'm just worried that all they are going to say is "well he's doing okay... there hasn't been much change".... I WANT change and I NEED change to happen! POSITIVE please. I am sick of hearing that everything is the same and we just have to wait. I am being SO impatient. I want things to improve!!!!! But again - I just feel really bad that I haven't been up there or called to see how he is... I just don't want to hear it if it is said that there has been anything but improvement!!!

Something that has been bothering me is that everyone is asking "Well is there anything that I can do for you... what can we do?" really people? I am glad that people are asking how I am... but I feel obligated to tell you that I am doing just fine with everything because I HATE the question... what can I do for you? If I knew what you could do for me I'd tell you.. I'd let you know. I honestly don't know what you can do for me. I don't know what I can do for myself. I don't even know that there IS anything you can do for me.. because I just struggling with seeing Spencer like this.... what can you do about that?! If you really want to help me out... then offer to do something specific... Ask if you can take me to dinner that night... ask if you can sit with me for awhile... ask me if you can take me anywhere or get me something from the store. Offer me help with Nacho or help with gas because it's so effing expensive to drive back and forth every day.
I'm not trying to be rude... I'm not. Because I know people just want to help.. I get that. And I'm VERY thankful... but I DON'T KNOW WHAT I NEED. I'm having to have people TELL me what I need... So please. Continue to ask how I am... that helps me... but please don't ask me what you can do for me.. because I just don't know.

Also.. i'm sick of people asking me for updates. I know you all care.. I get that too. But I am posting everything publicly that I feel comfortable posting. It gets EXHAUSTING telling 100 different people that there IS NOTHING NEW or the same thing that I have just written about or told 3 different people about. I'm sorry if I'm not messaging and contacting everyone about Spencer's condition... Really.. I am.. But I can't contact 500 people personally. I'm having problems dealing with this all myself.... I can't help 500 other people deal with it too. It hurts me to constantly say that nothing has changed and then having people feeling disappointed and saying they are sorry... OK your sorry - what do I say to that? It's ok??... because I have news... ITS NOT OKAY. This whole situation isn't ok!!!! I'm not ok!!!!
People... I will post every update that I have. Every single time I see Spencer.. and every single time I get word from the docs and nurses. I update his condition. Please do not IM me asking for an update. Because I don't know anything new or nothing has changed. I don't feel like I need to post EVERYTHING online... I feel like it's useless to post on his caring bridge when I get the SAME news from the nurse that I got 2 hours ago.
I'm glad you all care - don't get me wrong.. and I'm thankful we have so many people caring... But please.. Just spare me from having to type it up a million times.

If you want an update.. please go to this website:

I update it when I can... pretty often too. Check there first before you ask me.

Again.. I'm sorry if your offended by anything. All I'm asking is that you just continue the prayers, the thoughts... and PLEASE keep posting encouraging words... They really do help. I am NOT ungrateful for ANYTHING.. Please don't take that the wrong way. The last thing I want is for people to abandon me/us because of this blog post. I just really needed to vent... I am thankful for EVERYTHING. I'm just frustrated. SO freaking tired emotionally and mentally.. and even physically even though I've been getting more than enough sleep...

1 comment:

  1. Nikki, you don't have to apologize for anything. Many people do care, but many people also don't understand exactly just how stressful this is. I only understand some of it because I've unfortunately seen people I know personally go through some very similar situations. Loved ones extremely ill in the hospital for a long time with their life on the line. It's probably one of the hardest things you could ever go through. Especially when it is stretched out for such a long period of time. It is so hard, you can only really understand it if you've been through it. I think this is important for all of us watching for updates on Spencer to realize.
    Don't worry about facebook. It is NOT your top priority, and right now, you do not need to be putting everybody else's wants and needs before both yours and Spencer's own. Granted, their want for an update is not a bad want at all, but it certainly doesn't come first. Not now. Don't feel like you have to post everything you hear. We can all wait for when you are ready to tell us stuff.

    We love you and Spence, we know you know that, but we do.