Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Wedding... and a funeral
Let me tell you - the "best month of my life" isn't quite the best month ever. I was planning on June to just be spectacular. I figured it would start off with a wedding and end in new married bliss..... wrong. The month DID start off FANTASTIC though. Our wedding went down without a hitch and it was absolutely amazing. I am so thankful that Spencer was healthy and I had my best friends and family there to support me.
But my vision of the rest of the month has been very, very distorted. I couldn't wait to get back to Utah and start the rest of our lives together right away. I almost expected an immediate hospitalization - but even that's been able to be avoided for now. And even if we did have to be cooped up in the hospital for 2 weeks - I had some fun ideas to still enjoy being married and starting the rest of our lives.
If we didn't have to go to the hospital... well I had SO many thoughts of what it would be like. You get married, you go on your honeymoon, you come home - clean and put everything away and start your new lives together as a couple... isn't that how it "normally" is?
Well in our case - It's not going like that at all. We did get enough money for a small honeymoon - but we're waiting until around Spencer's birthday on July 12th to do a combined birthday/honeymoon for a few days. So I thought that we could enjoy being home together before I start working later this month. I couldn't wait to get home and together clean our house, put everything away.... watch movies and snuggle up with hot chocolate. But there's been a twist.
Spencer's dad passed away Saturday morning... and Spencer is having a rough time with it. I don't blame him AT ALL for handling it the way he is.... heck I would be 100 times more of a mess than he is. Bless his heart. I think he's handling it very well - but as I thought we would be focusing on US and our life together... we're thinking about his dad, about what our children won't get to have, what Spencer won't get to experience with his dad. He keeps telling himself not to think about what he wishes he could or could not have done or all of the what if's. It's hard to get your mind around it though.
I'm trying to help Spencer through the grief process as best as I can... but I don't handle death all that well, myself and It's been really hard to know what to do or what to say. My heart breaks for him. He loved his dad SO very much. And only recently did he start listening to him and wanting to have in depth conversations with him. If only there was more time....
I wanted to come home and as a couple do laundry, dishes.... but instead Spence is gloomy and if I want it done - it's all up to me... for now anyway.. I know it won't be this way forever... but We're supposed to be lovey dovey and such right now - and we really haven't even carried a good conversation at all because he's trying to just shut him mind off so that he won't be too upset. It's hard...
This is a true test of our vows.
I know most of this might not have made sense, but I just needed to get it out. I'm not mad, or upset in Spencer in any way at all..... I just wish our "wedding bliss" could have continued throughout this month instead of thinking about the impending funeral on the 27th...