Saturday, June 18, 2011


I can't catch up on anything. Goodness is it so much to ask that I have a clean house?! Ever since we've moved it seems we've been on the go and we still haven't figured out where to put a few things... I guess that COULD be from lack of trying... but jeez. I feel like our house is always a pig sty. =/ And it is NOT from lack of my busting my butt trying to get everything washed and put away. Seems like I get all the dishes done and the kitchen looking pretty good and then meals happen and a milllllion things get dirty - and then I have to clean them all again. Wouldn't be AS bad if I had a dishwasher but I don't.... it's all by hand.. and it sucks.
I get the house cleaned up to where it's looking pretty nice and then we go into the hospital for 2 weeks... we get home and our suitcases get unfilled and then nothing ever gets put away due to the fact it's all dirty or we're just exhausted and don't want to do it right when we get home. it seems to sit there forever and then after throwing it in various rooms all the time and then I finally decide that I need to put it away.... so I do... and then we either make a trip somewhere, or go back into the hospital and the cycle goes on.... I can't win....

I hate clutter.. I hate a mess. I really do. Might not believe that if you saw my room as a teen - but gosh. It drives me crazy. I can't focus on anything and it puts me into a terrible mood. I hate it. I want it clean.

I'm just not having a good day. I don't know why. I can't put my finger on exactly what it is that is seriously bothering me. I can think of a million things that are annoying me and frustrating me... but I can't pick out the one thing that is bringing me down.

I feel like I'm drowning in a mess... drowning in bills... drowning in just everything. Spencer hasn't been able to help at all. He's been sick... running nearly a 103 fever last night... so as I am trying to and wanting to clean and everything I have to help him out as much as I can. When he's already sick... he needs to rest. We've come to this conclusion by experience. When he's not oxygenating well he can't move around much... it causes him to just get worse. Damnit he really needs to go into the hospital but we can't do that because of the funeral. I hate this =( I want him well. I am SOOOOOO thankful for the 7 weeks we had together where he was feeling well. Gosh I am truely thankful... but this just sucks. I guess you get used to him being well and then when he gets sick it's a huuuuge let down. I want to do so many things - but he's stuck in the house or else can't go all that far away from home for very long.

It's all just so hard. I'm trying to help him grieve... comfort him because he's truly sick... and trying to keep my head above water but its NOT WORKING!!!!! =(

I just need some support... I can't do this by myself. I want a shoulder to lean on right now... I am that shoulder for Spencer but right now he just doesn't have the emotional support to give to me right now due to his dads death. I understand that because he is always here for me when I need it - this is just an exception of all the other times. I just want someone to ask me how my day is going... how I am doing... and trust them and love them enough to just break down and say... I'm not okay today... I'm having a rough time.. instead of Oh yeah I'm hanging in there.. doing okay - we're getting by alright... because it's not okay.. I'm barely getting by and I'm not emotionally doing very well these past couple of days..

I just needed to vent. Going to baby sit for several hours and I want to be chipper and energetic for the kiddos... Needed to get this out beforehand so it doesn't build up while I'm playing with the kids.

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