Friday, June 17, 2011

it's so, so hard...

I don't really know what to write. But I'm having a hard time. It's a combination of so many things and I just don't know what to do. I don't know what to say... or who to talk to.
I don't know how to help Spencer grieve. This is one of the hardest things we've had to go through together. Not only is he having an extremely hard time dealing with his dads death... but he's slipping as well. I don't know if it's associated with just a normal decline and his CF is just catching up to him after 7 weeks... or if the death has brought on him getting sick.

Normally we would be celebrating Spencer being hospital free for 7 weeks - It's a HUGE accomplishment when he's been in every single month or even more this whole year. But being happy about it is just the last of what we're thinking about. This should be a time for celebrating. For becoming really close to each other because of our marriage. A time to enjoy the summer, enjoy life outside of our house.... but instead we're focused on just keeping it together and getting through all of this crap.

I know that there is process to grieving and I want Spencer to feel his emotions, not hold them back. I want him to PROPERLY grieve.... but I also do not at all want this to jepordize his health in any way. He's finally made huuuuge progress and now I feel like this SUCH a big set back. I think we could deal with something small - but a death..... the same time as we got married.... when he was doing so well? >.<

I don't at all know how to help Spencer. I'm finding that I am trying to stay really strong for him... not show much emotion and just be a shoulder to lean on... but then I suppress my feelings and feel them 10 times as strong later and really struggle to overcome them. I don't know when I should talk to him... I don't know when I should leave him alone... I NEVER know what to say. I don't want to make things worse, but then again I want to say some of the things I'm thinking in just a slight hope that it will help him out. It's so, so incredibly hard. His health is slipping and so I can't let him despair too much - it's SUCH a fine line...

It wouldn't be so bad if he could just go into the hospital now and be able to get out for the funeral... but if he goes in and catches this in the early stage - he'll be in for 10-14 days.. Too long and he wouldn't be able to attend his dads funeral and see his family. So what do we do? I have to try to help him stay healthy enough... but how when he's so full and infested with self doubt and despair.

It's hard. I'm at a loss. =( I know feeling helpless is normal.... I can't seem to find many resources to help a loved one grieve that have actually helped me... because I feel like this is such a unique situation. Yes, I want to and need to let him grieve.... but how much is too much with his health so unstable? You know???

He's seen a councelor before, but they have such stupid rules about making an appt. You can only make them on a certain day and it's first come first serve type thing. You have to wait until a specific day to call.. and then you have to call RIGHT away in order to be seen. And we have to work around my schedule. =/ So it makes it REALLY hard to get an appt. And it seems like they don't care how much your struggling. >.< So I feel like getting him an appt right now would be next to impossible.

ANY SUGGESTIONS!!!???? I need help through this. How do I help Spencer? =(

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