2015 Reflections

These end of the year reflection blogs are some of my favorite blogs to write! I love looking back on the year that I've had. I definitely slacked in blogging this year, therefore this is a bit wordy because I certainly have plenty to write about! Most of the writing I did this year I chose to keep private. I've tried really hard this year to minimize how much of my life I make public, and am happy with the success I've had!

So with that.... this was my 2015!

To Move or Not to Move

When I rang the 2015 year in, I had intentions of packing up my life and moving to California. I wasn't happy in Bird City and I wanted and really needed a change. While it was such an exciting step for me to make, it was also one that terrified me. There were so many unknowns and I couldn't shake the uneasy feeling that I got when it came closer and closer to me making the move. After countless debates back and forth in my mind between a regret of not moving and the relief of not disrupting my life and making a potential mistake, I finally realized that I wasn't making the move with my best interests in mind. I was taking the leap a little too quickly and it was just something I was not at all ready for. I think the part that held me back the most was the fear of failure. Leaving my comfort zone was my biggest obstacle. That decision came with a whole lot of tears and heartbreak as I told my friends in California that I wouldn't be moving. However they were incredibly accepting of my decision and supported me 100% even through the disappointment I'm sure that they were hiding. That's what you call true friends =)

Now I can't say that I wouldn't have been happy in Cali. I honestly think that if I would have moved, things probably would have fallen into place and worked out just fine for me. However making the choice, no matter how hard it was, to put myself first was a HUGE milestone for me. At the end of 2014 I made the decision that I needed to concentrate and work on ME this year. To uncover my own identity and figure out what I wanted and needed in life. That was just the first step of many that I have to take!

To New York!
Before January, I had never been any further east than Topeka, Kansas. My friend Bob grew up in New York and he drove cross country from California to New York to spend his first winter break with his family in Lafayette, just south of Syracuse. I had the opportunity to take about a week off of work, so I purchased a one way ticket to fly to New York to experience the east coast and do a 1/2 cross country drive back to Kansas! The flight was a nightmare, but after a 2 hour delay due to deicing the plane, a missed connection, and then a layover, I made it to Syracuse!

While there I got to experience the best coffee I've ever tasted (that's saying something as I'm not really a coffee drinker!), ice skating for the very first time (and didn't fall down!), 2 Syracuse basketball games, Funk'n Waffles, amazing BBQ, sushi and Sake Bombs for the first time, and I met a whole bunch of new people and had such a fun time!

Top and Bottom Left: Syracuse Basketball Games
Top Right: Ice Skating at Clinton Square
Bottom Right: Delicious Waffle at Funk 'N Waffles 

ASCP Certified
In February I took the ASCP certification test to become a certified phlebotomist. I had been studying for the exam since September 2014 in preparation to become certified in the state of California as a phleb. I also have been wanting to take the exam as it will help me in my goal to become an MLT/MT and also just to prove to myself that I am skilled and know my stuff! I was absolutely ecstatic when the screen came up and told me that I passed! I got almost double the required score to pass further proving that I am very competent in phlebotomy and all of my hard work has paid off.

The very first thing I did after I passed my test was to text Theresa. She replied telling me how proud she was of me and that she knew I could do it. We had planned to talk on the phone that night or the next day, but unfortunately that text was the very last I heard from Theresa before she passed away that day due to a brain aneurysm.

Another Difficult Loss
Waking up that morning to that news was absolutely devastating. I cannot even express the sorrow that was in my heart and honestly still is. Never have I let out a sob so fierce in my life. I will forever be grateful for my friend who answered my blubbering phone call at 4 in the morning... for my sister coming to sit with me that morning as I cried... for my boss allowing me to take off work that morning so I could compose myself... to my mom who took me out for lunch and let me talk and cry... and for all of the support I received from my friends and family who understood how difficult that loss was for me. Your kindness didn't go unnoticed.

Losses never get easier. Whether it is a spouse, a family member, or a dear friend, each of them strikes your heart in a completely different way. I've had my fair share, but Theresa's death hit me deep down to my very core. Nearly a year later I still struggle with her death. When I talk about her I still shed a tear. Her friendship was so real and I truly thought she'd be the constant in my life for years to come that I had been missing. I miss her dearly, and she will always be in my heart.

Work Success
I had many successes at work this year as phlebotomist and our organ donor committee president. I was nominated employee of the month for the second time, I successfully did an arterial blood gas on a patient under Karen's supervision, earned a raise, had an awesome lab week and job shadow day in the lab, and made Blue and White day for Organ donor week a success by hosting a walk and presentation that pulled in more participants than expected.

Big Move Turned Little
After deciding that I wasn't going to make a huge move to California I decided to make a little move into a cute little apartment in Benkelman. As stated before, really needed a change and moving 30 minutes north into the town that I worked was just what I needed to keep me happy and sane. I really enjoyed living in Benkelman. It was nice only having a 3 minute walk to work, being closer to the majority of my friends, and not having to drive if I wanted a fun night out!

But eventually I began to feel stuck again. I was happy working at DCH, and I loved my job and my friends, however I couldn't escape the feeling that I wanted more for myself. After having a pretty low moment and heavy discussion with my mom one night around midnight, I made the choice to look into going back to school and getting my degree as an MLT. Things moved pretty quickly after that. I applied to Mid Plains Community College in North Platte and was accepted into the MLT program.

So far returning to school has been a huge success for me! I ended fall semester with a 4.0 GPA and honestly couldn't be more proud of myself. It's an accomplishment I didn't know I was capable of. It's been very exciting actually learning the things that I want to do with my career! I can't believe that the fall semester flew by so quickly. I will graduate with my MLT degree Spring of 2017. Only 3 more semesters of classes and a semester of clinicals and I will be well on my way to starting my career... Oh, and paying off all this student loan debt!

Quitting my job was extremely difficult but the prospect of getting my degree and working as a tech alongside Karen, Mike, and Emilee is so exciting for me. It's what I've been waiting to do for the last 2 years! The decision to go back to school was fully supported and encouraged by my family, friends, and coworkers. They have had my back from day one and continue to support me through this journey!

Ed Sheeran and California
I knew that after starting school the trips that I was going to be able to make would be pretty limited so I decided to fit a few in where I could! At the end of June my sister and I went to the best concert I've ever been to! We saw Ed Sheeran at the Red Rocks Amphitheater in Colorado. We paid a pretty penny for the tickets but it was completely worth it and I don't know about Shayna, but I'd do it again in a heartbeat! Opening for Ed Sheeran was Rixton, a band that I've been following for awhile and love! I completely forgot about it and so when they came on stage I got so excited! Glad that we got to take our annual concert trip. Wonder what's in store for 2016?!

Just a day after getting back from Colorado with my sister, I left again to the airport to take one last adventure to California to visit my friends for the Forth of July! It was so much fun and I got to see nearly all of my friends who live in Cali... and then some! I stayed in LA the first half and then stayed in South Pasadena for the second half. Glad I made that trip happen. Although I wish I could see my friends more often and they didn't live all over the map, it is really fun having them in different locations so I can experience new things!

During my vacation I received probably the best ice breaker message from a guy that I've ever received! It was enough to peek my interest and when I returned back home we went on our first date. At first we were both a little skeptical that it would work out, however a first date that seemed to have no end and 6 months later.... things couldn't be better! He hooked me by taking me fishing, we went to the Benkelman and Chase County Fairs, went to a Huskers game, have had many dinners together, spent lots of time with family, and have had lots of dates since we met. I feel so fortunate to have been introduced to Josh and have him in my life. He's opened my eyes up to so many things again since Spencer and he makes me so, so happy. It has definitely been one of the best highlights of 2015! We've been taking it one step at a time and are enjoying getting to know each other and taking advantage of spending time together every moment we can. I'm very excited to see where everything goes =)

August was definitely a whirlwind of a month! I got a job working as a lab assistant/phlebotomist at Great Plains Health, moved to North Platte, and became a student again! I'm currently living on campus in the dorms as it's really the only option as I'm going through school. It's been difficult to adjust to living with people again and tough to be on campus with mostly 18 year olds... but I've met a few awesome people that make it not-so-bad! Unfortunately the job I had at Great Plains Health didn't work out for me with juggling school and getting back into the swing of studying, and so after a major viral illness that landed me in the hospital overnight, I decided that school was my full time job and I needed to prioritize to put less stress upon myself. So I am now your classic definition of that broke college student ;-)

The last big trip of the year came in October. My sister has never been to the mountains before and her bucket list consisted of hiking in the mountains during fall right as all the colors change. Well this year she got pretty lucky and I had an additional day tacked onto my weekend right at the leaves were changing. So we headed up to Estes Park and hiked several miles to several different lakes. It was breathtaking, exhausting, but so much fun and it's a trip that I'd definitely like to take again!

I am so happy with how this year has ended for me. I'm so proud of where I've ended up, the lessons I've learned, and how much I have accomplished throughout 2015. I have a feeling that 2016 is going to be a heck of a year and I'm so excited to get it started!

2013 Reflections

This years Year In Review post is likely going to be a little different from the ones that I've previously done. I am all for being optimistic, hopeful, and positive, but as I've sat here for a couple of days now working on this post, I have found it really hard to find the good that has come out of 2013 for me. 2013 was a really rough year. I think it's perfectly acceptable to flat out say that this year sucked and was one of the worse that I've had in a long time.

I'm sometimes hesitant to say that it "was the worse" with anything, because I think of when Spencer died and how awful that was, and still is. But I also had A LOT of good come out of 2011. This year, I think that the tough patches overshadow a lot of the good because they were the majority of my year. I'm not saying that 2013 was COMPLETELY bad, I know there were some really good moments, but it was just so difficult with being so sick. It wasn't just the illness that brought me down, but the realizations of possible surgery, losing my job because of it, having to move, and then the recovery which was incredibly hard.

 So while usually these year in review posts are positive and reflect the entire year pretty accurately, I'm going to take a different route with this one. I just kind of want to forget about 2013, honestly. My sister did a cool Year In Review post on her blog and I thought maybe I'd do the same because I'm finding it really hard to write out everything that has happened, and I don't want to sound ENTIRELY negative the whole post ;) This helps me think about the good that HAS come out of 2013, even though it's difficult to find!


What did you do in 2013 that you've never done before?
Attended a funeral of a close friend. Became a phlebotomist. Was nominated for employee of the month. Moved into a place of my very own. Quit a job.

Did you keep your New Years resolution? Will you make more for next year?
I didn't make any resolutions and it's very rare that I do. I have goals in mind for the upcoming year to better myself as I believe those are more achievable :) I just don't think you need a new year to all of a sudden start something new. I've already implemented things into my life to try and improve myself this year and I just hope it carries on to 2014!

Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes! My friends Christine and Adam gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, Atticus!

Did anyone close to you die?
Unfortunately, yes. My friend Molly passed away.

What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013?
Optimism; 2013 was really tough for me. New friendships and meeting new people would be nice, too. I would really like to find someone to share my life with. It's been a bumpy road since Spence passed, but I feel like I'm ready to take that next step. We'll see what happens. I certainly need to meet people, first!

What moments from 2013 will remain etched in your memory and why?
* The funeral of my friend, Molly because of the emotions and grief I experienced. It was incredibly difficult.
* When Christine told me she was finally pregnant :) They had had such a trying process with IVF and many setbacks and heartbreaks. It made my heart so full when I found out!
* Heart-to-heart moments and time with a friend. My friend and I don't spend a whole lot of time together anymore and I wonder if moments from the past didn't interfere with our friendship. But I really cherished and appreciated the serious (and even not so serious!) talks that we had and hope that this year isn't the last of it!
* Christine and Adam coming to visit me in Kansas shortly after I moved back. We had such a good time together and it was fun showing them my roots.
* 2013 Fairs in Benkelman, St. Francis, and Imperial. They were such a good time!
* The Riddle camping trip!

What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Recovering from being so incredibly ill and pushing through my struggles. While this year didn't bring a lot of positives for me, just getting through each and every day being so sick was an accomplishment for me. Sometimes you just have to focus on those little victories.

What was your biggest failure?
I really fell off the bandwagon with my faith. More-so than you will ever know. I don't know if you'd call it a failure, but it's the first thing that comes to my mind. I'm still not at a point where I am comfortable or feel ready to get back into it. "Get back into it." I know that sounds weird. I'm holding a lot of deep emotions that makes it very difficult. I don't need to explain myself, but I am disappointed with how that journey has went for me this year.

Did you suffer illness or injury?
Oh yes, yes I did and it was the majority of my year definitely overshadowing everything else. I went through the biggest health struggle of my life. It started in January and spiral out of control quickly after. I went through ER visits, multiple doctor visits, GI visits, scopes, clinical trial, the very real possibility of surgery for the first time, rapid weight loss, muscle atrophy. It was awful. I've never been that sick before and I got sick enough to where I was very scared. The lack of control and rapid deterioration was terrifying. I am still not out of my flare-up with my IBD yet, but it's gotten a lot better than it was.

What was the best thing you bought?
Even though she annoys me greatly, I'm so glad I got my kitten. She makes me laugh a lot and she loves to cuddle (when it's convenient for her). I think I've decided to name her Skid/Skidz. She skids around everywhere and is so incredibly spazzy. Skidz was also Spencer's nickname, it just really, really fits.

Whose behavior merited celebration?
Certainly not mine ;) But really? My sister tops the list on this one. She overcame a lot this year by starting therapy for her anxiety and depression. I've seen her make a lot of strides. Of course there is always set backs, but I'm beyond proud of her for pushing through and continuing on the path of improving her life. She deserves this and the hope that she now sees flickering in the distance isn't just hope for her, but for me, too.

Whose behavior made you appalled?
It's hard to name names when it's a public blog ;) and so I won't do that. But I will honestly say that my own wasn't much to be applauded on. I don't know if 'appalled' is the right word, really.. but disappointment seems to fit well.

Where did most of your money go?
Medical expenses. Thousands and thousands of dollars out of pocket went into medical expenses and are still going into them, too. Depressing, really.

What did you get really, really excited for?
This is a tough one. I don't know that I got really excited for anything, but a few things I really looked forward to was moving into my new house, starting my new job, and moving back to be closer with my family. What am I currently really excited about? Going to Vegas in January? :)

What song will always remind you of 2013?
I don't know that there is a song that will specifically make me think "oh! 2013!" but a song that was popular this year and really stands out in my mind? What Does The Fox Say. Oh jeeze that got too much popularity ;)

Compared to this last year, are you a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer? 
a) Happier. Though it's been a hard year I feel like my heart is mostly full. 2013 is ending on a better note than it began. b) Thinner. Lost so much weight from being sick! c) Poorer. So many medical bills continue to pile up.

What do you wish you'd done more of?
This is a really hard one, because I wasn't physically able to do a lot this year. But I wish I would have read more books. Went on more trips (aside from just to Kansas to visit) such as exploring places I haven't been to before. Did more in Utah while I still lived there like visiting museums, hiked, and went to places I have been wanting to go there. I wish I would have done more on my weeks off of work!

What do you wish you'd done less of?
Spending less time on my computer. Less time worrying about roommates, my future 10 years down the line. Spending less time having such a plan for anything and everything.

How did you spend Christmas?
Not too far off from the usual. On Christmas Eve we had the Sander's Christmas at my grandmas with my moms side of the family. Eating lots of food, visiting, and opening gifts. Christmas day we opened up our Santa gifts from mom and dad, spent most of the day putting together these Santa gifts, and went over to the Home where my grandpa is to celebrate the Johnson Christmas with my dads side. It was a difficult time over there because my grandpa isn't doing well and likely doesn't have more than a few weeks left with us.

Did you fall in love in 2013?
There was this boy... and I don't know if I fell in love with him, or the idea of being with him/someone. Likely I did not fall in love, but I think I have always loved him and always will, but more-so as a friend and brother and sometimes I think it's hard for me to distinguish that because I want to love someone again. I want to share my heart, my life, and my overabundance of love with a man. It's easy for me not to fall too deep too fast and too easily, I guess you could say.

What was your favorite TV Program?
I do have to say The Walking Dead. My sister and I watched it together (we're still 2 episodes behind!) and it is just brilliant! I also really love The Sing Off! I don't have TV so I don't watch a lot of shows and most of what I watch on Netflix are movies. Oh.. and Gossip Girl probably tops them all. I know, lame.. but I really got into it on Netflix and finished the last season this year. It's still a favorite!

Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No, I really can't say that I do.

What was the best book you read?
It's really hard not to go back to the very last book that I read! But The Fault in Our Stars by John Green was amazing. I love his writing style. But I read so many great books, not as many as I wanted to.. but still a lot of good ones! (My Foreign Cities, Something Borrowed, The Pact, Safe Haven and etc!)

What was your greatest musical discovery?
I rediscovered a lot of artists I'd previously forgotten about, but I also discovered some new musical talent this year, too. The Icarus Account. Boyce Avenue. Alex Goot. And then there was also a lot of miscellaneous songs I found that I loved as well.

What did you want and got?
A place of my own. To feel better. A job at Dundy County Hospital in the lab. A kitten. To be physically closer to my family.

What did you want and not get?
Remission.  Insurance. To go back to Utah to visit.

What is your favorite film this year?
Les Miserables, hands down. It is spectacular and I cry every time I watch it!

What one thing made your year immeasurably more satisfying? 
The love and support from friends and family when I was so sick. Being closer to my sister. Getting to work again and at DCH, where I wanted to work!

What kept you sane?
Hope. I mean, really, though. The hope that I would eventually get better is probably one of the only things that got me through. My family helped, my sister helped.

Which celebrity/ public figure do you fancy the most?
Oh dear. Chace Crawford? ;) (Gossip Girl anyone?? lol)

What political issue stirred you the most?
Healthcare. No questions about that. But there were more. The little girl, Sarah Murnaghan challenging the lung allocation system. Gun control. But mostly... Healthcare.

Who do you miss?
As always, and what will come to no surprise to you, I very much miss my husband. I also miss Mary, an old co-worker from ARUP, The Soderborgs, The Riddle family, Emily Rosenthal, and I'm sure there's more I'm missing here!

Tell of a valuable experience you learned in 2013.
The biggest one I am not going to share publicly. Sorry. :) But other things? I once again learned I HAVE to be my own advocate with my health. Friends will come and go. I cannot hold on too tightly too the past because it is just that, the past.

Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. 
The storm is coming but I don't mind
People are dying, I close my blinds
All that I know is I'm breathing now.

But all that I know is I'm breathing
All I can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing now.

-Keep Breathing -- Ingrid Michaelson

Now for a few pictures that I feel highlight my year. It's always difficult to pick between only a few!

So that's my year. Here's to a really great 2014 with much to write about in my next Year In Review post =)

2012 Reflections

Usually I write and post this annual blog at the very end of each year, but unfortunately my computer has been dead and I didn't get a chance to at the end of 2012! I am definitely behind (nearly a week!) but it's never to late to sit down and write. I love reflecting on my year so I'm really looking forward to writing my 2012 Year in Review =)

I feel like every time I start my annual reminiscing-about-the-year-post I always want to start out with, “Wow! What a year it’s been!” But I feel like each year since I’ve started doing this it has been quite the year... Whether it’s been moving, getting engaged, getting married, major health problems, or 5 funerals in year, it never ceases to be an exciting year in some way for me. The life of Nikki is always interesting; at least that’s what I’ve been told. Sometimes I think an uninteresting year would suffice ;-)

2012 started out with a lot of optimism for me, believe it or not. I was more determined than ever to make this a great year, despite the newness of being The Riddle Family, minus one. I had a lot of things I wanted to get accomplished; probably a lot more than was possible in just a year. But my hopes were high. I think mostly I just wanted to keep myself busy. I had a mindset from the very beginning of becoming a widow that Spencer died, I did not. I didn’t want to waste a year just because my husband was gone. To me, it was a reason to live my life more than I ever had before and I really wanted to make Spencer proud of me.

Living at home again was a challenge. It was so nice to be around my family, but it was a big adjustment. My family has a different lifestyle than what Spencer and I had and not to mention I had gotten overly used to the city life. Bird City, KS doesn’t have much to offer in the way of entertainment. But I am so glad that I did move home for a while. The whole reason I moved after Spencer died was so that I could take the time to grieve and even begin to heal. I could be in the comforts of my childhood home with family available any time I needed them.

Shortly after moving home I was offered a babysitting position for the cutest 3 year old I know! This was SUCH a blessing due to the fact that I was worried about finding a job at all and making money. I needed to save up so that I could eventually move back out to Utah and also make some trips in between. I had a great time watching Ash.

We played dress up nearly every day, had bubble tea parties, drew on the sidewalk with chalk; played baseball with Andrew; had a lot of fun in the sun, did tons of arts and crafts.....

All of this among countless other things! Every day was an adventure with her and its one that I really miss! During my very last day watching her and her brother, Andrew, I came to work and found this:

A good luck banner, balloons all over the floor, with a homemade card from both of the kids. Brought tears to my eyes! I've never loved a kiddo as much as I started to love Ash!!

I made a couple of trips to Utah during my time in Kansas. There was a point in time where I felt like I needed to face the reality of Spencer’s death. Even though being home was exactly what I needed, I felt like being in Kansas was escaping my reality. It always felt like I was just taking a vacation. The moment I went back to Utah it seemed like Spencer would be there and we’d reunite again. Since I had taken many trips home to Kansas without Spence during school breaks it was understandable that I felt this way. My first trip back to Utah was a lot of fun and exactly what I needed. I spent my time there at the Soderborg’s house thankfully. I had really missed them and it was so nice to spend a week there! I remember my very first trip up to the hospital since Spence died. I went up there to eat lunch with Christine and we even went up to AIM B to visit for a few minutes. At first it wasn’t bad at all. Actually it really just felt like home. I mean think about it… Spence and I were at the hospital for 2 weeks at a time each and every month for the past 2 years, and then I spent the last 3 months of 2011 sitting in an ICU room with him. It became, instead of my 2nd home, my 1st home. I was definitely comfortable there – a feeling that I didn’t at all expect.

But once we went up to AIM B I got exactly what I needed; the reassurance that this place was no longer my home. Christine went to go and visit one of her friends in the hospital and I was out talking with the nurses and aids. After about 5 minutes they had to go about doing their job and I wasn’t sure which patient room Christine went into. I suddenly felt very, very out of place. Just a few months before I would have been able to go back to Spencer’s room. That was really the moment where things changed for me. Spencer wasn't there anymore and he wasn't coming back. I didn't belong at the hospital anymore. That place that we used to call home together was no longer a home for me.

Within the same trip to Utah, I went to visit Spencer's grave at the Orem City Cemetery for the very first time. I was really nervous about visiting. I had never went to visit a grave before and I didn't know what I was supposed to do or how I was supposed to act. If you think of the stereotypical grieving widow you see them dressed all in back, moving slowly, tears streaming down their face as they arrive at the grave site. And then you picture them hunched over the grave, sobbing uncontrollably. You picture them bringing flowers, belongings, pictures or something of the sort to the grave. But I just didn't feel like that was going to be me. 

Upon arriving to the cemetery I realized that it was very peaceful. It was kind of awkward at first, but I just sat down beside his grave. I didn't do much talking, I didn't cry. Instead I took out the sidewalk chalk and drew around his headstone. Writing whatever came to my mind. 

I have visited Spencer's grave a total of 3 times since he passed away and I have realized that I'm just not a huge fan of visiting the cemetery. His physical body may be there, but he isn't. I don't necessarily get much comfort, as some people do, from visiting his grave. It took me awhile to accept that I don't enjoy going to the cemetery. For awhile I felt like I "had" to for some reason. (probably stereotypes). I can't exactly state why I don't like going, but I've come to accept that it's okay if I don't go. I have to remind myself that Spencer isn't there. He's around me. He's everywhere. I don't have to go to the cemetery to talk to him, to seek comfort from him, to be with him. I have moved on enough to be okay with that, and for that I'm thankful.

At the very beginning of 2012 I started working on a website in memory of Spencer and as a way to spread awareness and education about cystic fibrosis. It took a heck of a lot of time and dedication, but the website, www.riddleofcf.com launched in April and it was a huge success. I was, and am, very proud of myself for following through with this project. 

During the end of spring and very beginning of summer one of my best friends, Emily, flew from San Diego to spend a week with me -- we had a BLAST! We spent a few days in Colorado visting our good friends Molly and Lauren. Unfortunately Molly was pretty sick and on Dialysis, but it was more of a reason to go and visit her. To keep her company and lift her sprits up a little bit. We made some great memories, and even dedicated a day to honoring Spencer's memory. We ordered a specially made cake (THANK YOU Kim and Jake's Cakes!!!), released balloons, wrote on the sidewalk with chalk, and ate a gigantic pizza. We shared many memories and made many more. 

In May I was extremely honored to be asked to go back to Los Angeles and speak at the annual Starlight Children's Foundation gala! Not only did I get to prepare a short speech, but I presented the humanitarian award to Morrison and Foerster, a law firm in LA that is super supportive of Starlight. I had a blast being back in LA, seeing old and familiar faces, and once again being among and mingling with the celebs of Hollywood. My best friend Emily and her wonderful mom got to accompany me that night and I got to see another friend who I rarely see while I was waiting for the event to take place. The night was a huge success and my speech went so well. Did I mention that it was a HUGE honor?!

Right before my big trip to LA, I drove to Salt Lake City again to see my friends and participate in the Great Strides walk for cystic fibrosis. It was such a great experience but it was hard to be there around other CF families, knowing what they are going through. And it was hard not having Spencer there with me -- but it was more motivation to walk! If anything, I was doing it for Spence and for the many friends that I have who are fighting CF every day. I had a very successful fundraising year for the walk! I got more donations than ever before. If I remember correctly I raised over $400 through donations and by selling t-shirts. Hope to at least match, if not top that number for 2013's fundraising!!

This summer I was also asked to be a backstage mom for a local (Cheyenne County in KS) scholarship program called Young Miss. I participated in this program my Junior year of High School and I had a blast and learned so much! I was so happy to come back as a mom =) My 'daughter' was the pervious years Young Miss and so I helped her help the contestants prepare for their big night! Kaitlin was a blast to mentor and I'm so glad I got to know not only her, but the 4 other girls as well! (well 3 if you consider Steph, as I've known her my entire life.)

In late July I decided that it was time to move back to Utah which was a very difficult decision, but it was one that was for the best. I missed Utah; the beauty, the city, my friends. I realized that I had done all the grieving that I could possibly do in Kansas I hit a stand-still and it was time to continue on my path. I wanted to enter into the next stage and I wanted to feel like I was starting to heal. Upon arriving back in Utah, things literally fell into place more perfectly than I could have ever imagined.

Two friends that I met while Spencer was in the hospital offered me their home up in Ogden while they were away for the summer. This was great and perfect as I had time to look for a good place to live and a decent job that would get me by. Shortly after moving back, I applied for multiple positions at ARUP Laboratories knowing in my heart that this was the perfect position for me. Within a month of applying, interviewing, and a little bit of waiting I was hired! My first "real" job! I now work in the Infections Disease Rapid Testing department at ARUP and it is PERFECT! I absolutely love my job and my co-workers.

A week after getting hired I found a very good place to live -- excellent price and a perfect location. Right next to research park, only 3-5 minutes away from where I work! It's a cute little condo.

I live with 2 roommates, who are sisters, and they are super nice. It's really hard living with roommates, but I'm slowly adjusting and trying to accept another persons life style.

After moving back to Utah, between working and sleeping, I tried my best to hang out with friends more and get out and do things. I went to three different concerts and they were so much fun!! The first one was A Capella Stock -- the second year that I went. The groups that performed were AMAZING! I just love the sounds of the human voice, no instruments.

The second one I went to was The Piano Guys concert at Red Butte Gardens and it was amazing! It was a live recording for a PBS show that was aired in December. And if you know me at all, you know how much I LOVE TPG!

I also went to a Train concert with My best friend Christine and Grace. The energy was great and we had such a blast together!

As 2012 wound down I sure didn't! During the first big snow of the year, [over a foot] I had my nieces over for a cookie decorating party. Man those girls are wild, but I had so much fun with them. It's so important to me that I stay a part of their lives and it was a great bonding opportunity. We decorated cookies, played out in the snow, drew their Uncle Michael pictures to send to him on his mission, had hot chocolate, and watched a movie! I think I gave them a sugar high and I'm shocked they didn't throw up from it all. I'm sure they crashed well that night ;-)

Even though 2012 seemed to be a fairly good year for me, it definitely wasn't all rainbows and butterflies, so to speak. I had a lot of rough moments and a lot of expected and unexpected challenges that were thrown my way.

First of all I had to face, for the very first time, all of the significant dates and holidays since Spencer passed -- Spencer's birthday, our anniversary, the anniversary of his death, and more. I handled them with a lot of grace and I tried to honor his memory the very best that I could. They were still difficult, but I got through them with the love of family and friends. Spencer's birthday was a good memory for me. I spent it with my sister after I got off work. We went to the store and picked up a big chocolate cake, kit-kats, skittles, and balloons. We had a balloon release for him, shared memories, and ate a great cake!

  

Another challenge I faced was loosing 3 more very important people in my life which marked 5 significant losses in one year -- too much for anyone to have to bare. On February 11th, my Grandma Johnson passed away. That was a pretty tough one because it was on the 2 month mark, to the day, of Spencer's passing. (As if the 11th couldn't suck more!!). I then lost my Grandpa Sanders and my Mother-In-Law within one day of each other. I volunteered and had the great honor of writing and presenting my grandpas Eulogy. I got to learn a lot about his life that I didn't previously know -- he was an incredible and very accomplished man. My mother-in-laws funeral was on the same day as my grandpas and so I wasn't able to attend which definitely hurt. But I was able to speak to her over the phone before she passed away and I wrote her a detailed letter telling her all the things I needed to say to her. I was told it brought her to tears. I miss them all so very much.

Loosing so many people in a year presented a huge problem with my grieving. It was hard to grieve one person, let alone 5. I will be on this journey of grief for a very, very long time; and really for the rest of my life. I am starting to notice feelings of grief, for the first time since their deaths, for my MIL and my grandparents. I notice their absence in my life. As the grief for Spencer gets less, the grief for them intensifies. But it's a feeling I am now familiar with and am having an easier time coping with.

When 2012 came to a close I was blind sighted by December coming so quickly. December was a terribly hard month for me, one of the hardest I have had. The anticipation of Spencer's angelversary and the holidays without him was getting the best of me. I had many moments where I just didn't know what to do myself and desperately didn't want to be in my shoes.

But on December 11th I felt a huge brick taken off of my shoulders by the end of the night. We had a wonderful celebration of life for Spencer and it was perfect. Friends and family gathered at his childhood home. We looked through pictures and cards, shared countless memories, signed ornaments in memory of him, listened to They Might Be Giants all night, ate great food, had a balloon release, and watched the video that George put together with all of the pictures of Spencer growing up and into adulthood. It was a beautiful night filled with so much love.

Honestly, when December hit I was terribly depressed about the way that my year had turned out. I didn’t feel like I accomplished enough. I felt like I had SO much left that I wanted and/or needed to get done before 2012 ended and 2013 began. I had the overwhelming feeling that it was as if I didn’t get these things done the moment this year was over, I would have failed in some way, whether that be failing myself, my friends, my family, or Spencer. For some reason I felt like this year had been a waste. I felt empty. I had never ended a year with this feeling before and it bothered me a great deal. So I do what I always do, I spent days talking about it and reflecting about it over and over again. Obviously  as you can see from this ridiculously long blog post, I have had a HUGE year, full of memories, and so many fun things. I have done so, so much in such short amount of time. There is no way that this year was lacking in accomplishments, especially if you consider what I've lost. But I finally came to the conclusion that the reason I felt this way was because I was missing the biggest part of me -- Spencer. He still has that piece of my heart and he always will. Thankfully this feeling subsided about a week after his angelversary, and it's now completely gone after writing this blog post reflecting upon my busy year!

Within the last two weeks of December I was able to go home and visit my family and friends. I had a wonderful Christmas with my family and spent a lot of great quality time with my best friend from High school, Jay. You know you have a true friend when you've been able to keep a close bond through 1 year of Jr. High, 4 years of high school, and 3.5 years being separated during college along with all of the little arguments and things that have come up in between! =) I'm thankful for a friend like him and I really value what we have.

Unfortunately I had to work on Christmas, and even more unfortunately I had to walk to work on Christmas due to the battery on my car being dead (It was freeezing!!!), but I was able to ring in the new year with a co-worker and new friend, Mary. We went to Village Inn together, had a great meal, laughed a whole bunch, and rang in the new year there. Shortly after midnight hit we were both overly ready to head home and go to bed.

All-in-All 2012 was a very successful and busy year!!! I learned A LOT about myself and so many life lessons within the year. It was jam packed with new memories, experiences, and emotions. I just hope that 2013 can match it, or even top it! I'm sure ready, so bring it on =)

My Year In Review with Pictures!

What a year it's been. It's been FULL of ups and downs - probably the most emotionally compact year I have ever had, and might ever have. Even though I've been through a lot of very sad a devastating events - I am able to look through this year with joy and peace - knowing that the time I spent this year was worth it all. It was filled with happiness. I am SO glad that I am able to say that. I'm so glad that this year wasn't filled with regrets and disappointments. Are there a few things I wish I could go back and change, go back and do differently? Of course - with the loss of my husband, of course I wish we could have done a few things differently and changed a couple of things - but I'm happy, overall, with how things went this year. And I have been very, very blessed this year. So here is year 2011 (the major happenings) - with pictures! =)

So we discovered the reason that Spencer was getting so sick so frequently was probably due to mold in his mom's house. We didn't want to move out until we got married, but his health was declining so very fast. Fungus started to grow in his lungs again as well and that was our sign that we HAD to move out of his mom's house as soon as humanly possible. Two weeks later, after a hospitalization, we were able to clean out and move into a basement apartment. We moved into a friends/old RT's basement and boy did it suit us perfectly! It had about everything we needed. The most exciting part? It was the first time Spencer had ever lived away from home =) I knew it was what he needed to start taking charge of his life and improve his health. To start taking some responsibility. So March 12th we packed up everything (in just about 4 hours!!!) And moved from Bountiful to Layton to start building our lives in our first place!!!!!

The above picture is of the living room as we were trying to dry the carpets after shampooing them. It was a pretty big living room. We put a bigger couch on the right wall, a chair next to that, the TV in the far left corner of the picture, and a smaller couch along the wall just outside of this picture! The bottom picture is of my territory =) The kitchen. It was small, but had just what we needed. There wasn't too much counter space, but when it was all cleaned of (haha) I had just enough room to cook us a meal.
I started seriously looking into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints at the beginning of 2011. As I said, Spencer really wasn't doing well and we were worried that the possibility of transplant was going to come up rather quickly. I was scared beyond belief of losing him because I saw him decline so fast. I had always been interested in the Mormon church and after talking to my wonderful friend, Christine, who is also a convert and is VERY similar to myself, I decided to take a trip to temple square with her one day while Spence was in the hospital. I had some amazing feelings while we were there.... I knew that I really wanted to look into it much deeper. So Christine so kindly helped me get set up with some missionaries from her ward and I started having a couple of lessons at her house. I was a little sad Spencer couldn't be part of these lessons - I was learning so much and I was so excited about it, but it was hard for him and I to share the same level of excitement and have the same discussions about the lessons because he wasn't there. So we met in Spencer's hospital room a couple of times as well. Spencer and I had some very spiritual moments in his hospital room during the evenings as we would read the scriptures together, listen to hymns. We would stay up until the wee hours of the morning, me just asking him questions. Man he was the BEST person to answer any question I needed. What a great missionary he was. <3
After he was discharged from the hospital I met some missionaries from Spencer's ward in Bountiful - The Mercers. What an absolutely lovely couple with such a strong spiritual connection. Even after we moved to Layton - they came to give me lessons every week and Spencer and I called upon them several times for blessings and questions that we had. They taught me so, so much - never pushing. I am not one to ask many questions, and they respected that, they let me lead, mostly just teaching me. Spencer would chime in so many times, giving his way of helping me to understand. Those moments were so special to me and I cherish them all so deeply.

After weeks and weeks of discussions, I made the decision to become baptized into the LDS church. I was worried about the criticism, what my parents would think... etc etc. But let me tell you - it was the best decision I've made. I believe and I KNOW this church to be the true church of Jesus Christ. I have felt the love of my Heavenly Father more times than ever since making the decision to join the church. I know He loves me. I know He lives. I know we have a living Prophet to share the words of the Lord with us today. I am SO comforted with the thought that we can be with our families not only in this mortal life, but for ETERNITY. I can be with Spencer, even though he's gone, forever and for all eternity.

As it says in Matthew 16:19 --

"And I will give unto thee the keys of the kingdom of heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven."

What a comforting feeling is that?!?! I am so happy to be a child of God and to know the truth, and to be a part of the Church that is true. <3

So I was baptized into the church I believe it was in May. (times run together since SO much has happened) And the best thing about it - Spencer was able to baptize me =) How special <3

This is a picture of Spencer, myself, and Elder and Sister Mercer, my missionaries and forever friends.

Thank you, Mercer's, for EVERYTHING you taught me. Thank you for being such a big part of our lives. You helped me not only grow in my own faith, but you helped our marriage grow and become rooted in Christ. Our relationship with Christ as a couple may have stumbled many times because of all of the trials that we faced, but every time we saw you we regained our ground again and remembered what was important. Thank you. I am forever grateful that I could, and still can, count on the both of you to give us blessings when we needed it, To give us a pick me up here and there, to be an ear to listen when I needed it. I feel so blessed that you two have come into our lives and I am grateful that I KNOW our friendship will not end when we die, but will be forever and all eternity. I love you both so deeply and sincerely.

The next big event?! Well our marriage, of course!!!! Spencer and I tied the knot in Kansas on June 3rd, 2011. What an absolutely beautiful, amazing, wonderful, and perfect day. All of our planning and stressing over our day being flawless 100% payed off. It wasn't sweltering hot like we expected it to be; the wind died down for our day even though it was blowing like crazy the previous day. I am so happy that so many friends and family were able to witness our big day. We had friends and family from Texas, California, Nebraska, and Utah able to make it to Kansas. It was a perfect day <3. The day I married my love, soul mate, and best friend.
My favorite memory from the whole day, and I have so many, was the way he looked at me the very first time he saw me. We did our "first look" photos before the ceremony so that we could spread things out so that Spencer wouldn't get sick and feel run down. So we cheated a little and saw each other a bit prematurely. =) I am so glad we did. The moment was so private, just our moment to share. I walked out of the church for the first time and covered up Spencer's eyes. He was so ANXIOUS to turn around and see me... But I will NEVER forget his look. The way he looked at me said it all. His eyes just lit up and you could read every expression on his face. He could not remove the smile... his smile said it all too. I was, and still am so deeply in love with him, even more so than the day I promised to be with him, no matter what. I was the happiest girl in the world on that day.
We chose to write our own vows - I thought it would be easy for me, and difficult for Spencer. BOY WAS I WRONG! Spencer typed his own in 10-15 minutes flat about 5 days before our wedding day. Me, on the other hand, spent HOURS and HOURS trying to write them out. I didn't get them done until 1:00AM the night before our wedding day. Holy cow. I don't believe I've ever shared our wedding vows - so here they are, a great reminder of the promises we made to each others. Words I'm going to cherish forever.

Spencer's Vows To Me:

Nikki, because of you, I learned to live again. You brought me out of my self imposed darkness and brought me into the light and as I stood there, startled and blind in the brightness, you continued to hold my hand as I again found my sight. My footing was, and continues to be, unsure and I stumbled.

Your strength kept me upright and continues to do so today.

I marvel at your compassion and beauty, both inside and out. I look forward to our lives together. Our love so strong that even the hand of death will only part us for a moment, until our spirits can again join each other on the other side

I take these vows before God to be faithful, supportive, and to cherish you unwaveringly.

I vow from this day forward to stand beside you through the good times and the bad.

I vow to constantly strive to be the husband and protector you deserve me to be.

You hold my heart now and for all eternity.

In Christ may we be together as one.

My Vows To Spencer:

Spencer, because of you I'm strengthened in every way.

When we come upon difficult times, the qualities I lack shine through you.

When you have patience, I have none. When you are courageous, I am scared. When you are confident, I'm unsure.

Together, we make our relationship whole.

I take these vows before God to be true to you, to love you, to encourage you, and to be a shoulder to lean on.

I promise to respect you and be sensitive to your needs; to always be the best wife I can be.

And I promise to be your best friend and never forget the love that we share on this day.

You hold my heat now and for all eternity.

In Christ may we be together as one.

And of course - A picture of the first kiss as husband and wife =) We didn't take a honeymoon after. We were planning on doing that at our 6 month or year anniversary. I'm really disappointed we didn't get that opportunity to share with one another. We also had plans to get sealed in the temple on our 1 year anniversary. To get sealed to each other forever and all eternity. I'm very sad we didn't get to share that either. But I am SO blessed with the time we did spend together. Not only did we have 6 months of marriage, we shared 4.5 BEAUTIFUL and loving years together.

As we were still in Kansas, trying to soak up as much time with my family as we could before we went back to Utah to start the rest of our lives together, we got the very sad news, one week after we got married, that Spencer's dad passed away from stage four malignant melanoma. This was a very rough time on Spencer. The bliss and happiness that we were supposed to be experiencing was consumed with shock and greif at the loss of Spencer's dad, and my father-in-law. We knew that he didn't have much longer here on Earth with us. He had fought a very long and brave fight with cancer and survived much longer than doctors expected him to. It just came as a blow to both of us that it happened so soon after our wedding day. June 11th, 2011. Spencer and I cut our trip a couple of days short to go back to Utah and be with his family.
Spencer had a really hard time with his dad's death, though I thought he handled it very well. Spence and his dad had recently started becoming very close ever since Mark found out he had cancer. They would spend long amounts of time on the phone talking and discussing various things. Spencer and I tried to visit Laurel and his dad as much as his health would let him. Spencer also started becoming much closer to Heavenly Father, and Mark was the source of that. He would always call his dad up to ask about scripture references and long discussions about the Lord. Mark's death was so hard on Spencer in that way. Rest in peace, dad. I am so happy that I was able to call you my father. I wish I would have gotten to know you better and to have spent more time with you. The relationship that you and Spencer built made me want you to be a big part in my life. I wanted to look up to you for Spiritual guidance just like Spencer did. Spence looked up to you. You are greatly missed.

Going in and out of the hospital consumed a lot of our time together. Spencer was able to finally have a pretty positive outlook on our life. He really did a huge change. He strived to be better. He wanted to be healthy. He really jumped on his treatments, did every single one of them - even if he thought he couldn't. We really thought he was making progress, and he was.... until September 19th when Spence woke up and couldn't breathe. He was admitted into ICU with a severe collapsed lung and sepsis infection. No one expected him to make it - but by the power of prayer and miracles, he survived..... but little did we know - that frantic trip to the hospital was the last time we'd ever do that again. That episode would forever be a memory engraved in my mind as the last time we walked through those hospital doors together. A moment in time that Forever changed the rest of my life.

I won't go into details since everyone reading this blog pretty much knows what happened. We had so many ups and downs. So many scary moments. But let me tell you what - those last 3 months he spent in the hospital were some of the most precious moments I have EVER spent with Spencer. They were hard. SO SO hard - but I quickly learned to CHERISH every moment I had with him like they were the last. I didn't know that my hopes about Spencer getting to come home with me again, to even just go to Christmas in Kansas with me were going to be shattered. But I held onto hope, up until the very, very last week he was alive.
I love this above picture of us. The last picture we took together. He was actually happy. He was working SO hard to get better. To get off that vent and to GET HOME. We had long term goals the whole stay. Be home for Halloween, Be home for Thanksgiving... And then to be home for Christmas. Unfortunately that didn't happen. We didn't even get a Christmas together as a newly wed couple.
I learned so much about myself during those 3 months in the hospital. I learned so much about our relationship as well. We were meant to be together. I believe we really were soul mates. We made it through the hardest thing all in one piece. How special our relationship was. It was such an HONOR and a PRIVILEGE to be able to care for Spencer through our relationship. To be his girlfriend, fiance, and wife. To be able to help him. to love him unconditionally and so deeply. Such an honor to be able to care for him in his last days of life. I wouldn't have it ANY other way.
I am in love with the above picture of Spencer. It was one of his last days with us here on Earth. He loved that sock monkey that was made for him. He was barely able to open his eyes up, he was SO weak. But yet when I asked him to smile for a picture - he did. He smiled until the very end. Until the very last moment he was able. What a precious soul.

Spencer passed away about 3:30 PM on December 11th; exactly 6 months after his dad passed away. He went so very peacefully, his hand in mine. It was the hardest thing I have EVER had to go through - but I am such a different person now than I was. I have a different outlook on everything about life. I know that Spencer is in a better place. Sitting with our Heavenly Father and his dad, his friends who have went before him. He is BREATHING and that is the most important thing of all.
Breathe Easy, Spencer.... <3

As I said - this year has been crazy.... but despite everything.... I am still alive. I'm here. I'm as happy as I could be under the circumstances I am under. I have a passion for life that I have never had before. I have new aspirations and dreams because of this year. I am thankful for everything that has happened to me... Granted I am deeply saddened and hurt that my best friend is in Heaven now, but what I learned through our relationship together is worth more than anything in this world.

The next year to come is going to present a TON of challenges. I am just now getting over the denial and shock of his death and so I am just now starting to grieve. It's the worse feeling one could have. It's very, very difficult. But I am so thankful I can be surrounded by the love of my family through it. I am going to experience new feelings all of the time... My emotions will constantly be changing. But I can do this. Somehow I will get through it and become stronger because of it.

I am looking forward to the new year - though I am also very scared. I don't know what to expect. But I know there will be so many new things and new opportunities for me and I'm ready for them. Bring it on 2012!!!!!! =)