Monday, February 9, 2015

I miss you already, my friend

"The life of the dead is placed in the memory of the living...."

This has been one of the longest, most difficult days I've had to trudge through. I woke up this morning to news that my dearest, truest, and most loyal friend I've ever had passed away. I am completely devastated and so sad deep down to my very core.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to find words to express my sorrow and my hurt or any of the multitude of emotions that I have coursing through my brain and my heart. I feel broken. Under any other circumstance, she would be the one I'd call in tears muddling through words in between heavy sobs trying to explain what happened. She'd then likely tell me not to focus on the here and now, but instead on the memories and laughter shared. I can just hear her voice now... "Ya, but you know Nik, she wouldn't want you to be upset, she'd want you to laugh at the stupid shit she pulled... like that one time.... -insert story here-" Something to that effect because that's just how Theresa was.

But this circumstance is obviously different and I feel so lost. I've wanted to pick up my phone on several different occasions to talk to her. To ask her what I'm supposed to do in this situation. I always called her asking her what to do. Telling her my dilemmas. Opening up to her with everything. She has been my go-to and my confidant. We'd call each other on weekends and spend hours on the phone, never running out of things to say. She'd help me through situations I found myself stuck in. She'd give me advice and ways of looking at things in a way that really spoke to me and helped me out. Every single time I hung up the phone I felt a weight lifted off of me, a smile cross my face, and the affirmation that I was making the right decisions, or with a new way of approaching the next day.

Theresa understood me. We're cut from the same cloth. We both wear our hearts on our sleeves and look at the world in much the same way. We had the type of relationship that we could joke around with each other and end it with a super sarcastic comment, a ton of laughter, and calling each other a bitch but not take it to heart. I've never had a friendship where I could be as open and honest as I could with Theresa. 

Age was just a number. She was my best friend. 

We were supposed to talk this last weekend. We were texting on Friday afternoon when she told me she'd been having headaches for the last 15 days. God, never did I think it would lead to this. I even joked around with her about coming back to Benkelman and working at DCH for another 3 months! I knew she had to work last weekend and she told me she would call me on Saturday afternoon or on Sunday when she had a chance. I text her after I took my test on Saturday and told her I passed. She told me how she knew I could do it and how proud of me she was and that was the last that I heard from her. I just figured that she got busy and she wasn't feeling well so she was resting. 

I wish I would have called her instead of texted her after my test. I don't know on what day it was that she passed away, but god I wish I could have talked to her one last time. There was so much to talk about, I wish I knew what she was going to tell me. I wish I could have shared with her the things I was waiting to tell her.

But I am confident that Theresa knew how much she meant to me. I know she knew just how much I miss her and love her. 

I'm going to miss her so much. More than I can express. She was such a special person and she touched a lot of lives, mine included. I don't know why people like her are taken from us like this. I can't wrap my head around it and with each person I lose it damages and slowly chips away at my beliefs and what I feel like I may have gained back from the last loss.

Amidst feeling lost, lonely, empty, hurt, and sad... I also feel a lot of anger and confusion. I have lost so many amazing people within the last 3 years who I have grown so very close to and have loved with all of my heart. It seems like it's impossible for me to gain a constant in my life who I know that I won't lose. Never did I ever think I'd lose Theresa... not like this. Not ever. I'm so angry that she's not here anymore. I'm so angry that once again this has happened. I feel like it's a never ending cycle and it's hard to not wonder when and who the next one is going to be... And it shouldn't be like that. 

I know that people come and go in life... I'm just tired of the going =/

So to bring back a blog I wrote to Theresa when she moved away... here's to my wine drinking, story telling, hell of a good friend. 

Miss you already, Mother Theresa. Your heart will live on in mine and I'll never forget you and the memories that we made. Until we meet again.... xo

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