Wednesday, June 12, 2013

My experience

Last weekend I attended a memorial service for a wonderful woman. A woman that I am so happy to have been able to call a friend. It was such an emotional day, but if one could look past the sadness, you could see a room overflowing with love.

Saturday was a very difficult day for me as I struggled to sort through the hundreds of emotions that I was feeling all at once. We [my mom, sister, and myself] arrived a little bit late because, for some reason, my GPS led us about 20 miles astray. We were in a completely different city and in a small community. We were lost and extremely frustrated and that started a flood of emotions. I just knew we were going to miss the entire memorial and I could barely stand myself I was so upset. But thankfully we arrived in Longmont and found the church about half way through the service. I'm so grateful for that.

I walked in to her service and I don't think there was a dry eye in the church. As we were ushered to our seats, we were listening to Molly's Eulogy. He had just begun to talk about Starbright World and shortly after sitting down they mentioned Molly's beloved friendship with Spencer. My emotions got the best of me very suddenly, more suddenly than I expected, and I was doubled over in inconsolable sobs and anguish at the loss of both my soul mate and good friend. I cannot ever remember crying as hard as I did when their friendship was mentioned. It hurt me so deeply words cannot even describe. Molly and Spencer were are so very special to me and thinking about their friendship both warms my heart and slices through it deeply at the very same time. I wish that I could talk to them both, together, about the times they shared together. In that moment I suddenly missed them more than I ever knew was possible.

I was a complete mess through the rest of the service. It was really hard for me to sit there and listen to what was being said. The love shared between Molly and her husband, Corey, really got to me. He was so right when he said most people search a lifetime to find the love that Corey and Molly shared. Spencer and I were told that countless times, and I still am to this day. Knowing that they found that love, together, is beautiful and they are so lucky they were able to share it. While they were talking about the relationship that they had, I nearly left the sanctuary. I was so overcome with grief and heartache it took everything that I could possible give to not sob so loudly. It was the first time since I lost Spencer that I really felt the need to let everything out. That I ACTUALLY had the ability to let it out, as every time before that I had tried numbness would set it. And it was the need not only to let out pent up emotions about Molls, but also about Spencer.

The emotions that were building up in my heart were was literally more than I could process. Tears sprung out from the corners of my eyes. My bottom lip and jaw trembled uncontrollably. Sobs that I was desperately trying to hold back kept escaping from my throat. My hands, legs, and really just my whole body was shaking. I couldn't open my eyes as they were stained with tears. I could hardly sit upright. Using my muscles and holding myself up was almost more than I could manage in that moment. I felt like I was going to explode. I was completely overwhelmed. I missed my husband more than ever in that moment, and I was so, so sad that my friend is no longer here.

As people smiled at me I was physically unable to smile back. I just wanted someone to take me in their arms and cry with me but at the very same time I wanted to run off and be by myself. The presence of people, whether I knew them or not, was almost too much. I was so lost and there was no understanding to be had.

I am just stunned that the emotions I experienced were so intense. I never expected them to be. That whole day I felt completely shattered, and to be honest with you, I still do. I feel like I have lost so much and it's unbearable. I don't really know how to keep on going. I know a lot of this, a lot of this, relates back to Spence. I feel like perhaps there are some feelings that I have not been able to identify or express that are lingering from Spencer's death. Maybe since things have been able to soak in from his death and the fact that it's been about a year since I've lost anyone close to me, I've had time to process things and it's given me the ability to express whatever it is that is festering in my poor, broken heart. Whatever it is, I was pretty blind sighted with the way that I felt last Saturday.

It was also so strange to me that I almost felt worse on Saturday then I did when I lost Spencer. I don't remember feeling any of those emotions until Saturday. I think part of it is because of the fact I was able to accept Spencer's decline and death and I gave him the final say as to when it was ok to let go; whereas I was not with Molly before she passed away and I wasn't able to accept anything that was happening. The loss of a friend is so, so different than the loss of a spouse. I didn't really expect it to be. I thought losing Spencer was the ultimate pain, if that makes sense. As I said, I know that Spencer's death ties into Molly's quite a bit making it a lot harder.

I don't know... last weekend was just hard. Very hard. And I'm glad that I got through it and that day is now in the past. I can't help but think about Corey, Melissa, and Lauren every single day. They are just starting the journey of missing and longing for their wife, daughter, and very best friend and I know they are feeling her loss so much more than I am.

1 comment:

  1. Elizabeth ScarboroJune 16, 2013 at 10:24 PM

    Dear Nikki -

    I found your blog after you wrote to me about my book (My Foreign Cities, about my marriage to Stephen, who had CF), and I'm so glad I did. Thank you for writing about all you are going through - if I'd had these posts years ago they would have made all the difference.
    I'm so sorry to hear about your losing your dear friend, and I can only echo your own feelings - that grief comes on at its sharpest not when you necessarily see it coming, and that when it does, you both want the comfort of friend and family, and yet want solitude, and can barely stand to be with another human being. Even though we've never met, I'm thinking of you as you continue on the road. If you ever feel like getting in touch, please do.