I started writing this as a status - but it continued to get longer and longer so I thought I would write a short blog with some of my thoughts
You know... there are some moments when I see his picture and I can't stop staring. Sometimes it's a picture of our wedding day. Sometimes a pic of us in the mountains together. Sometimes it's just a photo of him smiling. Oh that smile - how I miss it so.
I study his face for minutes - sometimes glancing around the room to see if others are watching this
I could study his face for hours if I had the time. The same picture over and over again. From his long, brown hair that was always tousled causing me to constantly fuss over it. Down to the wrinkles on his forehead when he smiled, laughed, frowned, or cried. His bushy eyelashes that were always in 10 different directions at once. His bulging, "buggy" eyes (sorry Spencer!). The hazel color and the shine in his eyes. The way they seemed to sink into his skull yet stick out at the same time. My favorite feature of his face - his eyes. Across to his perfect little nose that seemed to fit his face well with blackheads strung over the surface of his nose. The oxygen tubing that was a constant reminder of the illness that he fought with every breath he took. His skin, white and rather pale shining in the sun. Down to his lips... His plump, red, usually chapped lips - but always somehow so soft and kissable. His teeth - with a tint of yellow from years of aerosolized medications. His front teeth slightly crooked. Bits of food frequently caught in them. His mouth so big, especially when he smiled. And his smile - oh his smile. A picture was so rare without a gigantic smile.
These pictures are the only true evidence I have that he existed. That WE existed together. Memories often times feel like a dream. It rarely feels real that we shared a life together at one point. That he was, and still is, my everything. It feels like a dream to think that I cared for him, loved on him, comforted him when he was sick. Spending hours laughing at youtube videos, talking about the most random things. Cried on his shoulder when I felt too weak to carry on.... It's hard to believe that at one point I was so desperate for his health and I would have given ANYTHING in the WORLD for it to be me and not him. It now seems like a dream that I spent countless hours sitting by him while he did his treatment. Spent hours awake in the middle of the night due to his coughing and vomiting. Spending hundreds of hours next to his hospital bed as he fought to breathe. To survive.
These photos I cherish forever because they are proof that it happened. That I was the happiest woman alive to be his wife. To be his everything. To be PRIVILEGED to be his caretaker for such a long time.
And while looking at these photos many times consumes me --- there are some moments when I see his picture and immediately look away. It becomes to painful to see the man I love in only a photo.... It brings back reality that he's not here anymore. It hurts to study his face because I realize how much I have forgotten... And goodness, I don't want to forget. I want to remember every single winkle upon his face. His face is a memory that fades from my mind over time - almost 6 months later I am forgetting that gigantic smile he constantly had despite all of his adversities.
Yesterday evening was a night I couldn't bare to look at his precious face - but tonight I can't look away. I want to remember. I need to remember.