I have been a ball of mixed and complicated emotions these last two weeks. One moment I am sad, but the next I am laughing. I don't think my emotions have varied so much! With my grandpas funeral this last Saturday I know I am on an emotional high. It was a beautiful service, but a very difficult day. Each person I have lost and each funeral I have attended since my husbands passing (2 funerals, 3 deaths) has been so hard on me and it seems like each one just gets a little bit worse. I feel numb for awhile, and then everything hits.
I'm just sad that I've seen 5 losses in less than a year.
I had a break down the other night. I just completely lost it. Anger took over and then sadness filled in. I reconnected with my mom a little bit and it definitely helped. I'm trying my best to remain open and talking about every emotion that I feel.
Today I was reading one of my grief books and realized that writing about my feelings can be just as good as expressing them verbally... Just as long as I'm not keeping it in. And even though writing hasn't been easy for me since Spence passed away, I feel like I am able to express myself a little bit better through the written word. I'm so thankful for this. But I'm just praying that I can continue on with being expressive instead of holding it all in.... I feel like I've been set back a little bit lately with all of the loss and my internalization of everything, I have to keep moving forward. It's okay to take a few really dark days, it's even expected, but much more than that is not healthy. I can tell because I really start to get in a funk.
But with my emotions being everywhere recently - I am feeling very thankful tonight. I don't know exactly why or what came over me, but a huge since of gratitude hit me. I'm so thankful for the group, CF Wives on facebook. I have met so many amazing ladies from this group and I have received so much support from all of them. I don't know what I'd do without my girls! I am thankful for the support of my family - with every loss we all come a little bit closer to each other. I'm thankful for the talk that my mom and I had the other night when I was at a low point. We haven't been very communicative lately due to work schedules and being so tired all of the time... not to mention grieving we are both going through. But it was finally nice to be able to sit down and talk to her with real emotions. I haven't had a long talk with my mom in SO long... I've missed it and I've missed her. I'm thankful for new opportunities. I'm feeling hopeful for my future (which doesn't come very often anymore!!!!)... I know that things will work themselves out and I'm trying to enjoy this moment of Hope because it never lasts very long! The next thing I know I'm sure I will be worrying about money, food, places to live, jobs... you name it. I'm thankful for having a job right now. I know how hard it's going to be to find a job when I move back out to Utah - yet it's going to be critical I find one within the first 2-3 weeks that I am there. So I'm just thankful that I have at least something here.. And I love watching "my" little girl! She's such a sweetheart! I'm thankful for the thoughts and kindness that is expressed to me. I was told that after a month or so a lot of the direct message and cards and carepackages were going to stop. I knew that I had such a huge support group behind me and so I wondered if that would be true. well, sure enough - it is true. I don't get many messages anymore. I haven't received a "thinking of you" card in about 3 months now. That's okay because I know that everyone has their own life to think about, but those kind messages and cards, and even txts mean SO much to me. They usually come at all the right times. I really appreciate when people take the time to send me something. It gets pretty lonely and it's always nice to know I still have support, friends, and people who care =)
I am also thankful for a couple of messages that I've received that have stated how much I've inspired them.... or how thankful they are that I am in their life. I've only gotten a couple - but those 2 or 3 messages have REALLY meant SO much to me. Truly brightening my whole week. I have yet to respond to them because I just don't know what to say - I was/am just so touched.
It makes me feel good that I can help someone else out. =)
But I am going to stop there because I am getting tired and I need to get some rest... but I just wanted to express some of my feelings and my gratitude to everyone. =) Even though life kind of sucks right now, I'm so glad and blessed that I am able to see the good out of it!!!!