Wednesday, January 26, 2011


I hate this. I just feel the world on my shoulders again. I've been on such a high these past 3 weeks - and now I feel like I'm just crashing down. I don't want to. I hate it! I want to continue to stay positive, to love how I'm living my life, to be confident in my decisions again
But I feel like with everything I do...
I question it.
I am starting to worry about everyone else again...
And I forget about myself. I forget who I am.
I'm not hitting things head on again...
I feel like I've failed.
And I keep getting wrapped up in health, and all the negatives, which bring down my mood even more. So how do you pull out of it.
I think it's the "just do it" attitude that I need to get back.
For this past week I have been constantly worrying about Spencer's CF appointment, which happens to now be today. I've been worried about his health. I've been trying everything possible to help him out... to help him find a job.... to help get him out of the house. I feel like amongst all of this....
I've lost myself.
I've forgotten what my goals are. I've been investing SO much time into getting him healthy I am starting to drown myself in worry, what if's, and investment of time in the wrong way. When I say in the wrong way, I don't mean that what I am doing is a bad thing, but I need to learn to split the time up evenly between Spencer, and myself.

Now, I naturally worry and stress every single time Spencer has a clinic appt. Is he going to be admitted? Will his PFTs reflect how he feels? What if he has a down day? What will I do if he's in there for 2 weeks again? Will the doctor work with him? I think I get more stressed out and more nervous than he does. Any other CF parent, wife, girlfriend/boyfriend, companion like this?! Please don't tell me I'm the only one....
Today is the day of the appt. I just hope everything goes well. Of course Spence had to wake up this morning SICK and throwing up. Just what he needed the day of clinic. Ahhh. I just pray things go okay. I don't know how I am personally going to handle a 2 week hospitalization. Do I stay at the hospital with him? What about my kitty? Should I just stay at home? What about the gas to go back and forth. Those are all the questions, plus MANY more that go through my head when things like this come up. Ahhh I just have to BREATHE and take what comes. Everything works out for a reason. If he does go in - we will look for the positives..
What are the positives.... Maybe I should think about them..
1) He can feel better than what he currently is
2) He has the chance to get above and beyond his current 'normal'
3) More time to ourselves, and only us... (well minus nurses and everything...)
4) Time to make DIY stuff for the wedding!
5) Work on finding the Lord again, together... much time to read

So there ARE good things about it.. It won't all be bad.
BUT... who is to say he will even be admitted. I have a habbit of thinking the worse. Just. Stay. Positive.

Not to mention all of Spencer's health things. My grandpa just had a stroke last night... and It's something that's been on my mind this morning. When my mom told me last night, it didn't really click, it didn't hit me - but now it's starting to sink in. Grandpa had a stroke - he is not himself.... and my family is struggling. I wish I could be there. Be a shoulder for my mom if she needs me. I pray that my grandma can get through this. Oh gosh this can't be easy for her.
Again... I think I am more worried about everyone else than myself... but my family is just sooo close knit that I can't help it. I care, I worry, and I wish I could be there for them, just with them, through these tough times.....

I could write so much more.. my mind is racing. It is seriously going 100 miles a minute. I have SO MUCH TO SAY. But I need to get ready to face the clinic with my fiance. We're in this together - and I have to stay strong. I have to realize myself, and help him realize that good comes out of everything eventually. I am a strong woman. I've proved this MANY times... I just need to dig out that inner strength and put it to good use right now.

I'm sure I will be writing a lot more.... Just not right now.....
Thanks for reading, I appreciate those who take the time to read my vents, rants, and triumphs. Thanks for being with me on my lifes journey to who knows where and supporting me.. Giving me words of encouragement when I really need it. It means the world. Thank you.


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