Friday, September 14, 2012
Another "family" Event.
Tonight is a summer picnic for the Infectious Disease (ID) department at ARUP where I work. I thought it would be a good opportunity to meet people in our department. Our supervisor encouraged us to go and a few of my co-workers are going so the other day I signed up to go and bring some tomatoes.
But now... I'm just not so sure about this. And it could possibly be because of the day I had. I go on a break with a couple of my co-workers during the day and they talk A LOT about their babies, or soon to be babies. Most of them are pregnant or have young kids and babies. While I don't mind the conversation, I just can't join in because I can't relate. And it always kind of hurts when other people always talk about their families and kids because that's what I want. So badly. Spence and I wanted to start building a family, and had everything worked out (ie. he still be alive) we would probably be looking into IVF right now and be starting the journey of becoming parents.
Well today I went on break with 2 girls and, again, they were talking about their babies. After they finished their conversation, one of the ladies that works in IDPro (a different section than I do) and I don't know very well asked me if I had kids. All I could say was "no". I mean, there isn't anything else to say. I can't really elaborate on it. If I do it turns into a whole pity Nikki situation.
"No, I don't have kids. My husband, who passed away last year, and I wanted to have kids but were never able to because of his health..." blah blah blah, you get the gist. And after that it turns into them feeling really guilty for bringing it up, lots of questions, sometimes silence, questions about our relationship, questions if I knew he was sick when I married him, and just all around awkwardness. So I feel bad that I can't carry on the conversation much because sometimes while I would like people to know about my past (just in general that my husband passed away), I don't always want to get into the details 10 times a day to everyone I talk to.
While I was working in the lab, one of my co-workers who I don't know very well asked me if I was going to the ID picnic tonight. I told her that I was. She asked if I was going to bring any friends or anything. I didn't know that I could and so I didn't ask anyone. She then went on to say "I brought my friend all the time when I didn't have a spouse because I didn't want to feel left out" or something to that extent. Well, fantastic. This was really the first idea that I had about it being not only my co-workers, but their families. =/
But just the way she said it, not even knowing that I'm widowed, "when I didn't have a spouse". But I DID have a spouse. But how am I supposed to say that. There are so many times where I want to relate to and connect with people on the topic of their spouses or being married. But I tend to kill the mood when I bring up my story if I'm asked, or even if I volunteer. That I was married. That I did have a husband. And if I don't explain that he passed away a year ago, I feel like people think that I'm divorced. And that's the LAST thing I want people to be thinking. I was very happily married. He died. It wasn't a choice. There was no option. Nothing in our relationship went wrong.
We also got an e-mail about the picnic tonight and at the end it was a reminder to bring our families and that they couldn't wait to see us and our families there. I instantly got a knot in my stomach with that line.
I really don't do the best in situations like that, yet. I don't like being around everyone who has a significant other there with them. Who has their kids running around. Makes me feel a bit left out, and definitely lonely. It makes me sad. I don't want to go by myself. I really wish I would have known that it's okay to bring friends before now. =/ I wish I had my family here, too. Bring someone with me.
I talked to my friend that works in ID with me (in a different section, though) about going to the picnic and she agreed it'd be a good idea to go. But she's not going to be there until 7 or 7:30. And she's coming with her new husband. I don't know if I'll hang around that long (all just depends) and it would be nice to meet her husband. Just stinks that I don't know anyone else in my department that is single. They all have boyfriends, husbands, and/or kids. -sigh-
Of course you want your spouse there. I finally have a job and I have been wanting to share this excitement with Spencer for almost a month now. I want to be able to take him to work related events. Meet MY friends. My co-workers. Introduce him to people that I'm around every day. Show him off because I'm proud of him and proud and happy to say that he's my husband. How my co-workers off to him because I'm happy to be working with the people I work with.
But I can't. That's not an option now and it makes my heart hurt. Just something else I'm never going to get the opportunity to share with him. =/
I'm just hesitant to go. I don't want to feel out of place. I'm going, because I volunteered the tomatoes, but I don't know if I'll stay all that long. It depends who is there and if I feel comfortable around anyone. No one is saying I have to stay longer than I want. But I am nervous to go. I don't want to go, honestly.
Hopefully it'll be better than I think it will, and I'm going to try to go into it with a fun and optimistic attitude. It's just been past experiences that haven't went the best for me that make me think this might be the same way!!!!