Thoughts

It's that one day of the month that I just don't really like. The 11th. The day I lost my father-in-law, my husband, and my grandma. As each month goes on, the month-a-versary gets a little bit easier. But it still hurts as it's just another reminder that they aren't here. Especially my husband. That it marks one more month without him. 9 Month today. 9 months. It's truly hard to believe!

Today wasn't too bad. When I realized it was the 11th this morning, my stomach tied itsself into a little knot and I started to let it get to me, but then I tried to convince myself that it was just another day and that it would be okay. I thought that it worked. But then I got to work and I really felt like I was in a fog all morning long. I couldn't focus. I wasn't consciously thinking about Spencer, but I know I was completely distracted from what I was doing. All because of the date and it's significance. It was kind of a tough morning just because I wanted to badly to fully focus, but wasn't able to. There was one moment where I just wanted to leave for a little bit and have a good cry when I was running a test and before I put my headphones in -- but I was able to hold it together and I got through okay.

I haven't mentioned this before, but I finally met another young widow. Not nearly as young as I am, but still young. I had orientation with 6 other people. I didn't think that I'd see any of them again, but I work in the same department (Infectious Disease) with 2 of them, Lauren and Mark. I have lunch with Lauren about every day and we're becoming fairly good friends. Well last week I was talking to Mark in the hallway. I have no idea what brought this up, but I mentioned how I lost my husband to CF last December. He nodded and kind of hesitated, told me he was sorry, and then mentioned how he was a widower. I was shocked. Something we have in common that INSTANTLY connected us. There was nothing that had to be said after he told me that. Nothing at all. We understood each other on a level that no one else can.

We just stood there for a little bit, looking at the ground, understanding the feelings going through each others minds. Understanding the unspoken words that never had to be said. Finally we started talking again about how old our spouses were, how much we loved them, how hard it is, how it is always hard, etc. I never did catch how his wife passed away, but that's okay. It doesn't matter. The fact is it happened and it sucks.

I have been thinking about him every day I am at work since that conversation. I've never met a younger widow before and I want to be able to talk about it. He's 3 years out and I want to know how he's doing. How he survived the first year. The second. The third. It almost leaves me in awe to see someone, in person, who has lost their spouse, who is surviving, and seems to be doing very well. Seems to be happy, even though internally is hurting. I know that other people think that about me, but I've never experienced it with someone else. I wonder how he made it through significant dates and etc. I just want to talk. I hope to maybe have lunch with him soon. Connect a little bit deeper on the unfortunate thing that we have in common. Maybe it wasn't a coincidence that we had orientation together. Maybe in some way we can help each other out through this. I don't know. I'm just most definitely empathetic to him and even though I barely know him -- I care. Because I know how much it can hurt. And how much it can help just to have someone to talk to that honest to goodness understands.

We exchange a nice greeting in the hallway at work when we catch each other on break and always ask how one another is doing. It always leads back to how we're doing at our new job. But I always wonder how he's doing. On the inside. Sometimes when I'm having a rough moment, I want to reach out to him. Just talk. Sometimes when he asks me how I'm doing (like this morning) I want to say, you know, I'm not doing okay right now. Because I know with those words - he would understand. He wouldn't necessarily have to say anything, but that's the thing about it. He'd understand he wouldn't have to. It's just something that no one else gets.

But anyway, I'm kind of, okay definitely, rambling on about that. I'm just "excited" about it.

I want to talk a little bit about my job because I am so happy with how it's going! I really wish Spence could be here because I know he would be SO proud of me. I want to see his face. The look in his eye. His smile. And hear his words when he would tell me how proud of me he was at how much I've accomplished in just a little over a months time. I know he'd be proud because for once, I'm actually very proud of myself.

Things at work are going great. I'm learning more and more each day and things are coming pretty familiar. I am starting to get further with my training modules and have completed about 4 of them. YAY! After they are graded and my supervisor signs off on them, I'm free to do things all by myself.

I have done 2 runs for strep-pneumo by myself and I've made 3 critical phone calls to clients about results by myself. I've done a couple of other prep for tests by myself. I'm definitely making progress and it makes me so happy! I'm still having some issues learning the computer system, but I'm getting there. So exciting! I still have A LOT to learn. But I'm finally familiar with mostly everything on the fecal side of things. Still need to learn how to run a couple of machines and get a better grasp on staining the different slides, but that will come with time. I am kind of excited to start learning the plating side of things :) I just want to know how to do it all!!!!

So grateful for this job, this condo, and everything that has been going right. I know I've had some rough days and weeks lately, but it all comes with this journey. It's going to happen.

I've been feeling a need to go to Orem to the cemetery and visit Spencer's grave. I think I'm going to try and go this Saturday. If any of his friends or family would like to join me, Please do. I will probably go down by myself, so I can spend a littttle bit of time there on my own (unless it's family who can't drive, then you can most definitely go down with me!!!!!), but I'd love some company. I want to talk about him and remember him with people who knew him, too. So please, let me know if you want to go on Saturday. I understand it's a bit of a drive. Totally get it. But it's worth it. It's Spencer. I can plan to meet you there. <3 nbsp="nbsp" p="p">
ALSO, one last thing, (whew this blog is longer than I planned)... I am done with my phlebotomy class!!!! I took my test and passed with 100%!!!! :) So now I am doing my externship. If anyone would like to volunteer to help me out, please let me know. I need at least 15 more sticks. I need people to be willing to come into the classroom with me (around 6:00, any day mon-friday) and volunteer for me to poke you to draw blood. I can poke you only once, or up to 4 times. I don't care :) It's up to you how much you're willing to let me :-P But your help would be appreciated!!!!!