Monday, October 1, 2012

I don't feel him...

I've been connecting with this blog a lot lately. I've recently shared a post on my facebook and I've read several posts lately that have really summed up some of my feelings.

The post that Cassie wrote today really pulled me in. She's talking about how she cannot feel her husband and it's something that is nearly too painful for words because she so desperately wants the experience.

An experience that so many people around me have claimed that they have had. Sometimes I wonder if people are just saying that they feel Spencer with them because they really do, or because they think it's something that I want to hear. Something that will somehow comfort me. If you really feel him near you -- fantastic. I'm happy for you. (and insanely jealous) But if you're saying it because you think it's what i want to hear.... Please refrain because you have no idea how much it hurts me sometimes to hear other people talking about an experience as personal and intimate as this.

I cannot 'feel' Spencer. I can say that I never really have felt him around me after he died. Now I have no idea what feeling the deceased is like. I've been told that when they are around you get really emotional and start crying. I've been told that you feel a sense of peace around you. I've been told that you just feel it in your heart. In your chest. I've been told that you just know.

I think we like to think of it as this comforting, peaceful, wonderful, warm, and perfect moment -- I think we (or at least I) hold my expectations way too high when it comes to feeling when my husband is around me. I think that I imagine it as this life changing moment. That the world stops and it's SO obvious that he's around. Something that I am most certain does not happen. But I have just never had that "Oh, I just know that he is with me" feeling. Ever. I cannot say that he's never around. I am sure he is. He promised me he would be before he died. But I've just never had that experience. If I have, I have not noticed it.

Through her words, I feel like she sums up my feelings behind not being able to feel Spencer much better than I could ever describe it. This paragraph is how I feel a lot of the time:

"The fact that I don't feel him around me is one so painful that I can barely talk about it. There is nothing I want more than to feel his presence. Nothing. I talk to him. I beg him to visit me. I beg the Universe to give me the comfort of his presence, even for a moment.

The fact that it doesn't happen is torturous to me. I tell myself that it's hard for energy to communicate with those of us still in bodies. I tell myself that I'm not ready. That I'm somehow subconsciously not allowing the experience. Somehow, I speculate, I might be so trained not to believe that I've discounted the subtle signs before I can even truly see them."

I do the same. I beg my husband to be with me all of the time. I don't think that he's abandoned me. Not at all. But often times I wonder if it is my fault that I cannot feel him. It's not really a guilty feeling, I guess I can't really describe it. A lot of times I truly think it is because of my current lack of faith that I cannot feel him. If I was more in touch with the spirit (which right now I am probably as far away from the Spirit as possible) I could feel his Spirit wrapped around me. (and really this could get into a whole new topic, -sigh- but I'll save it for later). I was talking to my sweet mother the other night about an experience that I had and she brought up something along the lines that I need to talk out loud to him. Let him know that I am ready to feel him. Let him know that I appreciate when he visits me. Until that night I never did think it might be an issue of me not being ready to feel him near me.

I am sure that I miss obvious signs of him being near every now and then. In my rational mind I think that it's just a coincidence... things like -- Oh the two peas in a pod? No, not from Spencer, just something that naturally happens.

I also like what she says here:

"I don't feel much of anything other than the loss, the missing, the Dave-shaped hole in me, and the utter frustration that we were pulled apart so early...... Maybe I’m just impossible to satisfy because what I want, what I need, is HIM. Not his memory or a sense of him. I want HIM and everything else is a pale and unsatisfying substitute. "

I think that this speaks true for me as well. Not literally, because I do feel other things. I mean I'm happy with my life (as much as I can be) I feel other emotions.... but kind of figuratively. In this context of "feeling" him. And I wonder if I, too, am just impossible to satisfy because I never will get what I want and what I need. The memories are not enough. The "feelings" are likely not near enough, if anything maybe they are too painful for me to bear and so I block them out.

I just wanted to write out some of my feelings to this blog before I went to bed. I want to write more, because man, I sure do have a lot to write about... I haven't been blogging lately and things have really built up. But for now this will have to do. I am definitely open to other people sharing with me who have experienced something similar... to connect with me on this level of understanding. It always helps to know that you're really not alone...

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