Tuesday, October 9, 2012

You know what I miss??

...... Those cold nights snuggled up beside a warm body under the covers. My "human heater".
The hand that was laced in mine during movies. Walking in the grocery store.
Sitting beside the one I love.
Hearing "I love you" said a million times to the point it got on my nerves. almost.
A smile that said a million words.
Small gestures that said "I care".
3 words in a text message knowing I'm missed and loved.
The anticipation of coming home after work to my hubby.
Being introduced as "My wife".
Introducing him as "My husband".
Neck rubs when I am tense without even having to ask.
Giggles over things only we would understand.
Washing dishes together.
Watching youtube videos online.
Mentoring young teens on SBW together.
Sweet kisses shared every morning when you wake up and every night before you fall asleep.
His face being the very first thing I look at when I open my eyes.
Intimate kisses quickly shared when we're surrounded by a group of people. Friends or strangers.
Attending church as a married couple. Attending church. Period.
Looking over and seeing Nacho and Spencer snuggled together, napping on the couch.
The love of man and his dog.
Having someone understand you on a level that no one else can.
A hand rubbing my back when I'm having a breakdown.
Someone to help me when I'm feeling sick.
Someone who knows exactly what to do and not do when I have a horrible migraine.
A driving force in keeping myself healthy.
The inspiration he gave me.
Courage and strength that radiated from him when I feel weak.
A home built around optimism as much as we could.
Wearing my wedding ring and knowing he is wearing his. (gosh I miss my ring...)
Not having to second guess myself with things I never would have before.
Someone to bounce ideas off and gave me ideas back. 
A support that was unwavering. 
Being serenaded at the most random times to the most random songs. 
Getting a voicemail with him singing, "I just called to say I love you". (how I DESPERATELY wish I still had that voicemail....)
Cooking for two (or 4!)
Nightly TV shows together.
Dates with my one and only. 
Long car trips to Kansas and his dads.
Hearing him talk in his "Nacho Dog" voice.
Hearing They Might Be Giants Songs blasting from his computer.
Sharing memories together that only the two of us know about.
Having a steamy conversation on AIM while he was doing his treatment and we couldn't hear each other talk. (sorry mom!)
Looking forward to the challenge of what I'm going to get him for Christmas.
The anticipation of what he was going to get me for my birthday and Christmas.
Being able to buy something in the store if it made me think of him.
Comforting him when he cried. Being there for him when he was upset.
Being that one thing in life that kept him going when all he felt like doing was falling apart.
As everyone said, and I only recently came to believe, being his angel.
Dates at Olive Garden and Village Inn.

His smell.

His voice. 

His smile.



I miss those things that couples take for granted every moment of every day. The things that you don't even think twice about. The things I never thought about when he was alive. These are things that I loved and savored every moment of when I had the chance, but in those moments I never thought I'd never have that again with him. It didn't dawn on me that I'd miss the simple things so, so much. Almost more than anything.

Our relationship wasn't perfect. Far from it. But I am so thankful and so blessed that I can look back at it and see so many more positives than negatives. I am grateful that I am able to miss things like this. If we wouldn't have had these things in our relationship, it wouldn't have been as special as it was. As fulfilling as it was. 

I just miss him. I miss this. I miss "us". If only we could go back in time....

If only....

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