I am having a mixture of the stages. Sometimes I'm angry, sometimes I'm depressed. Sometimes I even feel moments of guilt. In brief moments I feel like I have accepted everything and I see hope in sight. But then I'm back to Loneliness, and shock, and denial.
Denial is one of my biggest issues right now. Of course in my rational mind I KNOW that Spencer is gone. I know that he passed away. I watched him take his final breath. I planned his funeral. I saw him in his casket. I KNOW he is gone. But I think there is a part of my brain that I can't control that still thinks he is in Utah.
Spencer and I dated for a long time long distance; me in Kansas, him in Utah. I went to Utah every once in awhile, and a couple of times Spencer came to Kansas. But there was always several months in between visits that I missed him terribly. When I moved to Utah I went home for breaks every once in awhile while Spencer was left behind. Again - I was away from him for an extended period of time. We would talk on the phone a lot when I was gone, but Spencer and I didn't talk those last three months he was with us. He was trached and I never heard his voice. So I kind of got used to knowing that he was in the hospital yet being somewhere yet and not being able to talk to him. Maybe the occasional text message, but nothing frequent.
So with that being said, for some reason I think in the back of my mind the next time I go to Utah, Spencer will be there. I know it kind of sounds strange - but you'll have to take my word for it.
I feel like in order to continue to grieve, heal, and get on with my life - I need to visit Utah to accept the fact that Spencer is truly gone and when I am in Utah, visiting or living, I can't go to the hospital to see him. To hold his hand. To give him a kiss. To tell him that I love him. I can't see him. Period.
With making the decision to go to Utah, I didn't think my opportunity to go would come so soon. On Thursday I was told that I would have the next Wednesday and Thursday (March 7th and 8th) off of work due to Spring break. As I was walking home I realized that this would be a perfect chance to go to Utah like I feel I need to do. So in less than a weeks time I planned a small trip to Utah for ME. This is the very first time I've done something for myself since Spencer got sick. Heck even months and months before then. I will make the long 12 hour drive to Utah tomorrow (Wednesday, the 7th). As of right now I don't even feel like I'm going anywhere tomorrow! Everything happened so quick!
I am very happy to go and kind of excited to get away. I have been cooped up in this house, in this town for 3 months now and I am itching to go somewhere! Love my family to death but there IS such a thing as too much time together ;-). I am happy that I'm actually allowing myself to do something solely for myself. I haven't told anyone about this trip because I don't want people to say "Hey we need to catch up!". I then feel obligated to spend time with said person. And it's not that I don't want to (I do... I want to see EVERYONE) But it's that I want to take this trip with all the time in the world for ME. I don't want to have plans with 3 or 4 different people so that I am busy the whole time. The last thing I want to do is be busy the whole time. I want a lot of down time to visit Spencer's grave site, to reflect and to think about everything that has happened in these last 6 months. I want to be able to grieve and mourn my husbands death when I feel.
So I apologize if I haven't let you know I'm coming to Utah. I really do. But please understand that this trip is for ME. =) I plan to go back in May for maybe a week for the CF walk and it won't be about me then, I would love to see you all then. =)
There is NO doubt in my mind that this will be a very hard trip on me. It's not going to be all roses. Things are really going to come to light and it's not going to be a walk in the park. Even though I am happy to be going, I am really anxious about this trip. So nervous and uneasy about how everything will go. I guess the main reason to write this blog update is to express how nervous I am about going.
I am so scared to hurt again. I've had my moments of intense heartache and pain. 2 weeks ago I was a mess. I could barely get the days. It was so bad that I wish I could just die to be with him because I miss him so much. It was horrible and I really don't want to have to EVER relive some of those feelings. But last week and this week I have been doing well. Of course I always miss him and some times I think about him more than others... but he hasn't been consuming my every thought. I have been on the happy side of things rather than sad. I know this is okay... but I'm not ready to leave this happy state of mind. This light mood that I've been in. When I hurt - I REALLY REALLY hurt. It's an absolutely indescribable feeling. My whole world just shatters around me. And I KNOW that at least at one point in this journey to Utah I will feel like that and I'm scared of it. I'm scared of those feelings.
I am planning on going to visit Spencer's grave and bring him a flower. I don't know how I feel about doing that. Visiting my husband where he is buried. I know that yes, his Earthly body is in the ground, but I know that his spirit is around me. It's everywhere. I know that I am going to see him again. So, again, I don't know exactly how to describe my feelings about visiting his grave. I just know it's necessary. Part of the process.
I thought about going to the hospital. I don't know if I will or not. Part of me wants to because I need to understand and accept that Spencer isn't there anymore. I also would like to deliver some thank you notes to the units. This trip isn't all about fun.... it's about coming to terms with my new life. We'll see how things go whether I take a trip to the hospital or not... I'm going to have to be extremely brave to do that.
I'm glad that my trip to Utah will be with my friend Kristin's puppy, Darcy. She was the stray that we found around town. I'm so glad she'll be going to a good home! I'm really going to miss her though. I'm glad that I'm going to have some kind of company on the long trip! It'll be interesting as she's very high energy and I don't know how she'll do with such a long ride - but we'll make it work. (10 bucks says she ends up peeing in my car! haha!!!) I'm not too sure what to think about the trip back. I will be heading home on the 11th. 3 months since Spencer passed. The last 11th of the month I lost my grandma and the 11th of June we lost my father-in-law.....I'm just nervous. I know it's just a number... but why do bad things always happen on that day. So I'm a little weary to travel on that day - but I'm not going to let that stop me. Just going to try to keep my mind occupied the best that I can and focus on getting home safely.
Anyway... I better try and catch some shut eye. If you could please say some prayers of safety for my drive to Utah and prayers of comfort and support since I know this will be a very overwhelming and hard trip. I'd really appreciate it!!!! =)
Oh and on one more note! Are you interested in one of the t-shirts that I designed in memory of Spencer? They are $20.00 each and that includes the price of the shirt, shipping to you, and a donation to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation!!!!!! The more shirts I can order the more money that goes towards a cure and the more people help Spencer's memory live on. If you are interested check out this post below and you will learn more information about how to order and what the t-shirt looks like!! =)