The rest of my time in Utah was great. I am so sad that I'm already back in Kansas. I really would have liked to be able to stay there for a few more days to be with some close friends, visit a few more people who I really miss, and just take in the fresh air, mountain view (which I miss terribly!), and just feel free from the restraints of my small town, and to an extent, my grief.
I thought this trip out there would 100% be a focus on my grieving process and helping and allowing myself to not only grieve, but mourn. Where I did think about Spencer nearly the entire time I was in Utah, it wasn't all bad thoughts. It was more of remembering what we shared together and the places that it all started. Of course I missed him, and really missed what we had - but somehow I was able to get passed the sadness and actually begin to accept that a new chapter of my life is forming. I was able to begin to accept that Spencer WILL always be with me... Just in a much different way. I won't be able to see him, talk to him, or touch him... but in spirit and in my heart I know he's always with me. This was a huge step to take, and while I feel like it was a very, very small step forward. it was FORWARD - the place where I've been unable to go and scared to experience not knowing what lies ahead.
I visited Spencer's grave on Saturday. I was really thinking about backing out - I just didn't know if I could do it. With it all being 3 months out, and my emotions still so raw, I didn't know what to expect when I went back to the place that I laid him to rest. But alas, I knew I had to go. That was my only chance for a few more month. Nervous as I was - I needed to go. The trip to Orem seemed pretty short. I tried to distract myself with an audio book which helped a lot. Once I got there my stomach started to knot up a little bit - but it wasn't as bad as I imagined.
While I was standing there next to his grave, I almost felt awkward. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to act. I have not once in my life (before this moment) visited anyones grave before... it was a completely new experience for me (as is this whole "widowhood" thing...) I decided to sit down. I brushed off the dirt and just looked. It was all so fresh. No grass had grown over his site and the headstone was just recently place. Just a reminder that all of this happened such a short while ago. It all seems like eons ago, but at the very same moment it feels like yesterday...
I placed a bouquet of fake flowers that I made right beside his headstone. It consisted of 6 (I think) red roses and 3 white lillies. Perfect. Like is casket spray, only much, MUCH smaller ;-) It was pretty, I was very pleased. It had a little purple ribbon on it where I wrote "Breathe Easy" and then "Love Love Love. Love you always, forever, and all eternity".
I sat there for a little while and decided that his plot was much too plain. Having to really have to go to the bathroom and was really thirsty, I decided to run to walmart real fast and while I was there getting a little bit of side walk chalk. I wanted to decorate it =)
After getting back to the cemetary from a quick run to the store, I just wrote down whatever popped into my head.
"Breathe Easy, Sweet Spencer"
"This is only a moment when compared with eternity"
"One day I'll breathe"
"You gave me: Strength, hope, courage"
"I miss you. Until we meet again, Your Pea."
It turned out nice. I liked the color. Spencer always said he didn't want people to be sad. He wanted us to remember him in a good light and our times together with him. I felt by drawing with sidewalk chalk and remembering was just what he would have wanted. Who knows, maybe he gave me the idea ;-)
I spent some time there. Just taking it all in. People came and went around me. I bought a card the night before and wrote a message to him. I took the time to read the looong message I wrote. It was a bit awkward to read to someone who wasn't physically there... but it was therapeutic. The whole experience was very peaceful. It was an absolutely beautiful day. Perfect. Warm, no wind. Perfect.
The hardest part of the whole thing? Leaving. I didn't want to leave. It was hard to pull myself away, but I did, promising him that I'd be back the next moment that I can. I'd like to keep his plot decorated. I love the idea of the sidewalk chalk - It will be a tradition to draw on his headstone =) I loved doing it.
I felt fairly good, and very proud of myself after I got back to the house. I did everything that I told myself I would. I went to the hospital, I went to the cemetery, and I allowed myself to cry when I felt I needed to. Those 3 things were the most important to me... and knowing that I followed through feels so good. Knowing that I had the courage and strength to do it =) Ahhhh.
That evening my best friends Adam and his wife Christine took me out for pizza and then we bowled 2 games. So fun! That's the first time we've actually ever went out and spent time together; usually it's spent inside playing cards and board games. So much fun! Helped get my mind off of some of my thoughts from visiting and it was a great way to end the trip!!!!
I wasn't at all ready to leave the next morning, and before I even left I was counting down the days to when I get to come back!! (sometime around May 19th!!!!) I know I have a place to stay and wonderful friends to spend my time with. It's difficult at times being back... but my heart is in Utah =) It's where I'm meant to be, I can tell.