California - Friends and Dates

I've been far too busy enjoying my time to sit down and properly write about the remaining days of my trip so I decided to wait until I got home to finish it all up in a couple of different blogs.

The next few days leading up to the weekend are a blur and tend to run together! But I think I finally got them straight :) Bob had classes all day on Wednesday as well and so I took advantage of the extra time to myself and sat in the library on campus all day. I studied my phlebotomy for the ASCP cert I am preparing to take. I got a text late that afternoon from Bob asking if we wanted to go to Applebees for bingo night and some wine after his lab. I was a little disappointed at first, as I wanted to spend the time as just the two of us, but I knew it would be a great time meeting his friends, getting out and really having a good time. So I obliged and we went.

And a good time we had! I met 5 or 6 of the people he has classes with, studies with, and hangs out with. They are all really fun people and the type of people I could see myself spending time with. Bingo didn't happen that night but we got the quesadilla burgers and a bottle of wine, and had good conversation. When we got back to campus we all took a walk along Yosemite Lake, found out none of us could skip rocks very well, if at all, climbed through a barbed wire fence to get to the car, and laughed a whole lot. I'm very glad we went out!

Thursday's plans were kind of thrown a curve ball with a quick meeting that Bob had to go to in the middle of the afternoon. But we definitely made the best of it! After his first class of the day we stayed on campus and played frisbee. It was super hot in the sun, but I found out I can throw a frisbee pretty darned well! I had a lot of fun! After that we went back up to the dorm, cooled off, and watched Castle until his meeting. And then more fun began! Bob had promised to take me on a date during my trip, time was running short and I honestly didn't know if it was going to happen, and I didn't really want to push it. I was just really enjoying the time we were able to spend together!

But this guy took me to a Vineyard roughly 10 minutes away from campus and we did a wine tasting. It was a super cute little place and we had a very enjoyable time. He (Tom) started us out with some white wine and varied into reds. He told us a few food parings with them and the differences between them. It was all just so good! Saved the best for last with a nice Rosato in which Bob ended up buying me a bottle of (Thank you :). He paired it with a little bubbly which made it even more fantastic. I'm anxious to try a glass since brining it home! In addition to the wine we met this very cute and fun older Australian couple there. They take 6 months at a time, come to the US, and just travel around the country in their RV. They have been to so many places and are currently traveling in California tasting wines, visiting national parks and etc. It was so fun to hear their stories!

Bob had a discussion after our date and so we snarfed down some food, I relaxed while he had class, and then we headed off to find a hotel for the night and crashed right away before heading off to LA the next day!!

California - Merced & Sacramento

Bob's been in class and studying a lot this week so I decided to spend all day on Tuesday exploring Merced. He has pointed about 2 or 3 of the main streets here and so I thought I'd take the car and just drive without a map or GPS. After all that definitely seems like the best way to figure out your way around a city! I was pleasantly with how easy it is to get around. I was able to find about anything I could have been looking for following those streets. I walked around a little bit and scoped out the mall here. Found a Barnes and Noble with a Starbucks and sat around for awhile until he got out of class.

We then had a super interesting adventure when we found the apartment we had rented for the week on Airbnb. Neither of us felt very comfortable in the area. I think we likely would have been okay, however we decided to go with our gut feeling after talking about it and canceled the reservation. We frantically searched on airbnb for another place to stay that we could afford and came across a gorgeous house nearby the college. The place actually didn't appear that it was available but Bob reached out to the owner and he was able to accommodate us through Thursday afternoon. He has 3 or 4 people staying at his house at one time. They are able to get together in the evenings, cook together, talk and get to know each other.. It's actually really fun. We haven't gotten to enjoy it much because we've been out very late each night, but in the future it would definitely be a perfect place to stay! We're so much more comfortable here and I'm glad it all worked out. It sure was stressful for awhile trying to figure out where we were going to stay for the week!

Yesterday I discovered that California driving is all a realm of it's own. Not anything like I'm used to. I was a bit nervous about driving but I figured that I had driven in the city in SLC for a few years, I could definitely do it again. Bob had classes from 7:30am to 9:30pm so I decided to take a day trip to Sacramento to see a couple of friends and do some exploring. What. A. Trip. I was completely wrong about how "easy" California driving would turn out to be. Not so easy when you're a passive driver! ;)

I met up with my first friend and we ate at a Japanese place. I went the safe route and just had Shrimp Tempura with some rice. It was delicious, though! After that we decided to go to Old Sacramento. I forget how long it takes to get to places in the city vs. how long it does in Kansas. We were about 20 minutes away which I didn't realize at first, but it wasn't a huge deal. I was excited to be able to go. So we head out and then I realize... it's rush hour. It took us probably about a good hour to get to where we were going. I would have LOVED to spend more time with her and walked around a bit more, but I was starting to run really short on time so we said our goodbyes, I dropped her off at home, and then went back to the heart of Sacramento.

It probably would have been a little bit better had it not been DARK when I was heading downtown. Thankfully rush hour was over by that time and I was able to drive on the free ways no problem. But then it came time to get off of the free way. I got off no problem but when I was trying to turn on P street I got really, really confused with the stop lights. There were several different streets going across and I truly thought my light was green. Turns out it definitely was not green. (that or the other guy ran the light, but I doubt it). I was going along, thankfully very slowly, and nearly t-boned a black car in the middle of the intersection. It was terrifying. I felt awful. Someone was watching out for me!!!

I was getting ready to meet my other friend downtown to eat some dinner. I was still shook up from my earlier experience. I found the place, no problem, however parking was a different story. I cannot parallel park. (A skill I really need to work on). I can, but I do NOT feel comfortable doing so, especially since it wasn't my car. So I drove around forever trying to find a place I could park. I finally found one I felt comfortable enough using and was getting ready to do it until this a-hole of a car pulled right in front of me and whipped into the spot I was about to take. I was not happy.

At that point I was just completely done because I had been searching for a spot for at least 15 minutes. And most of the streets were one way, so I kept getting confused and turned around. I finally found some public parking, even though I knew that it would cost me more than street parking. Decided to use that. About crapped my pants when it turned out to be $10 but at that point it seemed really worth it. I then get out of my car and I knew that I was a ways down from the place we were meeting at. Unfortunately I got really turned around. I couldn't see the street signs from where I was at so I really wasn't sure what direction I needed to go in. I just decided to go for it and started walking. I found that I was at 16th street and 1200 but I couldn't figure out what way would get me to 1414, right or left. I started getting REALLY frustrated. When I get stressed out, uncomfortable, and that frustrated all I want to do is cry. Ya. Bad combination.

I finally just started walking, hoping I could make some sense out of the streets. My friend was my saving grace when she noticed me walking and called out my name! I was completely relieved! We had a very nice time catching up (it's been several years other than contact online and phone) and I'm so glad we were able to make it work to see one another. I hope I get more opportunities in the future to see her :)

I haven't gotten many more pictures yet, but here are a few more from the last couple of days :) You can click on it to enlarge!

California - Yosemite

What a great trip so far and I've only been here 3 days! A vacation has definitely been long overdue for me and I'm so excited that it's finally here! I've had the opportunity to take a trip out to California to spend a couple of weeks with Bob and celebrate his 25th birthday with him. We met on Molly's Organ Trail a couple of months ago and one super thought out selfie later we've been talking a ton, sending a lot of late night text messages and just getting to know each other and seeing where things take us! :)

I flew to San Francisco super late on Thursday night (Sept 25th) and we drove about an hour, found a hotel and crashed for the night. A bit disappointed it was dark when driving as I didn't get to see much of the area, but we had a great time listening to music, catching each other up with what we've been up to, and running off of pure adrenaline to see each other again! 

Got up early on Friday (Spet 26th) and drove the rest of the way to Merced so he could get to his classes for the day. I hung out at the library, studied a little bit, and then we met back up and made plans for the weekend. 

Friday late afternoon we headed to Yosemite National Park for Bob's birthday weekend! We rented a huge and super nice townhouse for a group of us (5 ended up being able to come) and had a blast together! Played games, ate some delicious dinner we cooked for his birthday, hiked, talked, napped, drove a lot, and did some sight seeing. So fun :) Stayed all day Saturday and left to head back to Merced Sunday early afternoon. Right now we're just relaxing, catching up on some sleep, and going to study and have dinner in a bit! 

I'll leave you with a few pics from the trip to Yosemite until next time I can write and share!

Blossoming through difficulty

Ever since Spence died I think I've become so much more aware of other people with cystic fibrosis passing away because I highly doubt that all of a sudden we started losing more people to this disease. I've been very close with the CF community for many years and since losing Spence, it's definitely become more difficult to be a part of. I've had to see CF through to its very bitter end and I continuously see my friends, my courageous, strong, and beautiful "Cyster Wives" make daily posts about how their husbands are fighting for their lives just as Spencer fought for his in the ICU for 3 painfully long, but painfully short months.

And it's not only seeing the daily struggles they live through and have to muster up the strength to fight through, but being able to empathize with the heartbreak as they post that they husbands have passed away from the disease that connects us all together. 3 wives very recently have lost their spouses. One just lost hers tonight. And that doesn't account for the growing number of CF Wives, and now widows, that we've added to our CF Widows and Widower facebook group within the last few months. A group where everyone can go and talk about the gut wrenching pain, the absolute heart break and devastation that comes with losing their world. Some of us have been on this journey much longer than others. A couple are very new and completely blind sighted by their new world minus one.

Knowing what to say to these grieving wives is nearly impossible. I don't remember how I made it through some of the earlier days. I don't remember what other people said to me that helped or hurt. I don't really remember certain moments or realizations that happened after he died. I seemed to be in so much of a fog it kind of just escapes me now. I was going through the motions. That's just about all. I was coping and just trying to survive each and every day in a new, strange, and scary world without my husband. I now understand how others, whose situation I am in now, felt when trying to muster up the words, courage, and strength to post how sorry they are that your husband just passed away.

You'd think that after going through the experience you'd be a master of what to say and how to handle it. How to comfort someone who is grieving. But sometimes I think it just becomes harder because you're more raw and more vulnerable. You understand that everyone takes what is said differently and you're terrified to say something hurtful instead of helpful. And you know how much comments can hurt.

But seeing how hurt and how lost they all are is so heartbreaking. Heartbreaking because I get it. I once lived through that pain as well. Sometimes it's hard remaining so closely connected to these situations. It brings up past feelings of loss. But on the other end of the spectrum of things, I'm glad that I'm able to be a confidant. Someone these ladies can go to when they are lost and don't know how to take their next breath. I'm so glad I can offer up my story and coping skills when a wife posts in our group about how much it hurts.

I'm so thankful that I have healed in such a way that it hasn't hurt me, harmed me, or made me a bitter person but instead made me better. Taught me lessons. Showed me my abilities. My inner strength. It has left it's marks, that much I will admit. There are still a few things I continue to work through, and that I possibly will be working through for a very long while... but over all I am amazed at how well I've come through my loss. I'm so grateful that I have the ability to take such an awful experience and turn it into something positive, something that can help someone and show them, when they are ready to be shown, that life doesn't have to end just because your husband's did. He'll always be a part of you, nothing and no one can take that away, but you CAN put the pieces back together, begin and continue to heal heal, and most importantly..... live. And not just live, but live happily and fruitfully.

The road to getting to this point hasn't been easy, no, not at all. And I know there will continue to be bumps from time to time. There was a point in time where I felt like each day that came I was further and further away from it. For a good while it became a whole lot harder. But I really do feel like I've hit a point where it's gotten so much better with each day that passes. I look forward instead of backwards the majority of the time. I can still spread a genuine smile across my face even when I miss him just a little more than normal. I can truly still feel happy despite losing Spencer. So, so happy.

It's a happy that at times I didn't know I'd be able to find again. But this year I've discovered and grown so much. I've not only learned that I CAN be that happy again, but that I can still open my life and heart up to someone else. That I can let another person in. That I can still become vulnerable, but in a good way, and not bad. That I can still follow my dreams and pursue my goals. That I have my whole life ahead of me

It's a kind of happy where I feel like people look at you and wonder what you're up to. The smiles are so real. Most of the time I feel giddy. I don't know where it comes from, I don't know why or how I feel it, but I'll take it. I deserve happy.

So I guess if this blog serves any purpose other than to allow me reflect on how much I've blossomed over these last 3 years... It is maybe something like this....

To tell all of my friends who are facing this same journey that you are strong beyond all measure. You are loved and I am so, so sorry that this happened to you. I want to tell you that it WILL be okay. That you probably can't see it now, but one day you will wake up and maybe you'll cry one less time tomorrow.... Or maybe you'll be able to hear your wedding song and smile instead of laying in your bed the rest of the day... Maybe it will be something as simple as waking up in the morning and taking a shower.

Though these things might seem like something so small, it is progress. Relish that step that you were able to take today that you weren't able to take yesterday. Step by step, day by day you are healing. You're going to have days, maybe even weeks at a time where you won't want to get out of bed in the morning (or let's face it, afternoon). When getting dressed takes up all the energy you have. When crying through the entire day is the only way you're able to get through. That's okay. It's going to happen and it's expected. On those days do what YOU have to do to make it through each hour, minute, and second. And on those days, and even the good days, please know I'm here for you and I love you. Please know you're never alone. It gets better. I promise that day by day, month by month, or maybe even year by year - as you learn the coping skills that work for you - it gets better.

Beginnings and Ends

I've had a lot of "ends" in my life, some much more painful than others. There have been more ends than I care to admit. Some have been near the impossible end of the spectrum leaving me empty, completely lost, vulnerable, and devastated. Ones I never thought I could recover from.

Others have been bitter, filled with anger and/or regret that mostly stems from hurt in one way or another. They are the ends that don't seem to have a finality to them... Ones that leave lingering emotions that sneak up from time to time through songs, dates, foods, and smells. The only thing to quell them is letting go and accepting unresolved ends.

There are also the ends that have brought about relief and peace, sometimes happening simultaneously with the ones that are also earth-shattering. Knowing that it's for the best. When it's expected. Knowing the time is coming for something better, or when the time comes only so another time can happen. It doesn't mean it isn't sad or doesn't hurt, but knowing and accepting in advance is the comfort.

Most ends have left me with a broken heart on a scale of a tear or two shed to nearly a couple of pieces beyond repair. But even with a deeply shattered heart, there are always those two pieces held into place, seemingly glued there after so many endings, somehow holding on screaming "Everything will be okay." With time the pieces are at work slowly mending, healing, and reshaping. And that's the beautiful thing. When the world is crashing down, inside the jigsaw puzzle of the heart is working to prepare you for what is to come and allowing you to grow and blossom through deep sorrow.

But with each and every end has always come a beautiful beginning with endless opportunities. Some beginnings are dreamed of. Others hoped for. When they come is a mystery and at times it seems like they are years away as I'm waiting here for another door to open, silently questioning and pleading for the reason behind the hurt. Beginnings have also snuck up quickly and very unexpectedly and at times I look at the closed door for too long and miss the one that's been opened. So many missed opportunities while not quietly letting old ones go.

I've quickly learned (but not as quickly as I would have liked) to be open to new beginnings. To be accepting of changed plans and a different slant on my future. I think that's an exciting part of my life right now. I've constantly been given these new beginnings but rarely have I fully embraced them. I've been muddled down with hurt, grief, and at times immeasurable pain. But being in such a good place in my life compared to where I have been in the past and with so much growth and discovery, it's been easier to allow myself to open up to the changes and beginnings that are presented to me.

I'm living in a beginning right now and the choices and opportunities I have ahead of me are at my discretion. Endless. Obstacles form a wall ahead, they always will, however with working through everything I already have, I know it's possible. It's the patience I have to have that gets in the way. But I know that I'm currently in that in-between point in my life. I'm not completely tied down to anything or anywhere. I'm not going to school and so when I go back, my choices are endless, as I am forced to move anyway. My job is fairly versatile and chances are good I can find something similar, or even better, if I choose to relocate. The thought of being able to pack up and go to any place I so choose is exhilarating, but terrifying at the same time.

Starting over is always a challenge and intimidating, but it's an adventure. And it's an adventure I'm so ready to tackle when the time arrises.

New beginnings? A fresh start.

Vague Discoveries

Nearly every trial and tribulation, life event, relationship, fight, and success in our lives makes us learn something about ourselves. Sometimes it's discovery of the strength we harbor when we feel we have none. Other times it's deep seated fears we never knew existed, preventing us from achieving goals and fulfilling our dreams. Every once in awhile we discover love and compassion for another being we thought incapable of our love before.

Life has a way of throwing us lessons and discoveries when we feel we're least able to handle them. When we're feeling most vulnerable we're struck with doubts, fears, and hopelessness we're forced to work through stressing our boundaries and relationships. But only life knows this is the prime time to test us because any other time we'd be forced to push these thoughts to the side. Ignore them for a "better" time, oftentimes forgetting about them altogether.

There are moments where you unveil a different kind of vulnerability that lies within. A vulnerability that is absolutely terrifying. It encompasses the good and the bad all at one time. Excitement pulses through your veins at the realization that this type of vulnerability is possible in your life once again. The ability to let down your walls and inhibitions to let another person in.

This vulnerability allows you to uncover both good and bad during these times. The good that makes you feel incredibly happy and filled with joy. Thoughts that make reality seem just slightly better than dreams. It fills you with the drive to wake up in the mornings, leaves you with a smile you can't quite wipe off your face. But then because you have suddenly let down those walls and inhibitions there are things that flood you with sorrow, sadness, and fear, making you cry what seems like your last tear.

You find fears, sometimes paralyzing fears, that have the power to destroy if you let them have the best of you. Fears you didn't even know you needed to work through. Life finds these opportune times to throw it at you, making you dig deep and push forward, trying not to push those around you out. Sometimes these fears are the most difficult to work through, because fear is a reaction and it's courage you must have to overcome. Oftentimes when you think you have the courage to quell out the fear it comes up in a different form. It's a battle that rages on with every day.

It's because of this vulnerability that insecurities, flaws, and difficult emotions sweep in making you question, second guess, think, and overthink every word, every thought, and every action. They force you to fight a devil within. Internal insecurities and flaws that no one else would even notice begin to manifest their way externally causing more problems of their own.

And with all of this, everything you learn about yourself all at once, it's hard to find a balance. It's hard to take it all in. It's nearly impossible to stay sane. When you work through one, another creeps up and it's a vicious cycle that doesn't seem to end. These discoveries, fears, and joyous moments course through your mind a hundred miles an hour making sleep an illusion until it just finally wins out.

Self discovery is good. It's vital to continue to grow and become the person you have the full potential to be. But no one ever said it was easy and it never, ever stops. You must take the good with the bad, they come hand in hand, and find the balance you need to make things work. Through the difficult discoveries you'll eventually see the light and suddenly things will fall into place. You'll understand the picture as a whole and things will start to make sense. One day, through all this discovery It will be easier to make peace with yourself. It's the "getting there" part that's so hard.

Independence Day 2014

Happy Independence Day from my hometown to yours :) 

This year we were lucky enough to view fireworks without having to travel and had them right here in my hometown in "Small Town USA". They put on a spectacular display set to music that lasted 40-45 minutes. They did such a good job and it makes me pretty excited to see what they will come up with next year!

A huge thank you goes to those who volunteered, donated funds, and put in countless hours to make not only the fireworks display possible, but to make the 4th of July celebration here a success!