Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Beginnings and Ends

I've had a lot of "ends" in my life, some much more painful than others. There have been more ends than I care to admit. Some have been near the impossible end of the spectrum leaving me empty, completely lost, vulnerable, and devastated. Ones I never thought I could recover from.

Others have been bitter, filled with anger and/or regret that mostly stems from hurt in one way or another. They are the ends that don't seem to have a finality to them... Ones that leave lingering emotions that sneak up from time to time through songs, dates, foods, and smells. The only thing to quell them is letting go and accepting unresolved ends.

There are also the ends that have brought about relief and peace, sometimes happening simultaneously with the ones that are also earth-shattering. Knowing that it's for the best. When it's expected. Knowing the time is coming for something better, or when the time comes only so another time can happen. It doesn't mean it isn't sad or doesn't hurt, but knowing and accepting in advance is the comfort.

Most ends have left me with a broken heart on a scale of a tear or two shed to nearly a couple of pieces beyond repair. But even with a deeply shattered heart, there are always those two pieces held into place, seemingly glued there after so many endings, somehow holding on screaming "Everything will be okay." With time the pieces are at work slowly mending, healing, and reshaping. And that's the beautiful thing. When the world is crashing down, inside the jigsaw puzzle of the heart is working to prepare you for what is to come and allowing you to grow and blossom through deep sorrow.

But with each and every end has always come a beautiful beginning with endless opportunities. Some beginnings are dreamed of. Others hoped for. When they come is a mystery and at times it seems like they are years away as I'm waiting here for another door to open, silently questioning and pleading for the reason behind the hurt. Beginnings have also snuck up quickly and very unexpectedly and at times I look at the closed door for too long and miss the one that's been opened. So many missed opportunities while not quietly letting old ones go.

I've quickly learned (but not as quickly as I would have liked) to be open to new beginnings. To be accepting of changed plans and a different slant on my future. I think that's an exciting part of my life right now. I've constantly been given these new beginnings but rarely have I fully embraced them. I've been muddled down with hurt, grief, and at times immeasurable pain. But being in such a good place in my life compared to where I have been in the past and with so much growth and discovery, it's been easier to allow myself to open up to the changes and beginnings that are presented to me.

I'm living in a beginning right now and the choices and opportunities I have ahead of me are at my discretion. Endless. Obstacles form a wall ahead, they always will, however with working through everything I already have, I know it's possible. It's the patience I have to have that gets in the way. But I know that I'm currently in that in-between point in my life. I'm not completely tied down to anything or anywhere. I'm not going to school and so when I go back, my choices are endless, as I am forced to move anyway. My job is fairly versatile and chances are good I can find something similar, or even better, if I choose to relocate. The thought of being able to pack up and go to any place I so choose is exhilarating, but terrifying at the same time.

Starting over is always a challenge and intimidating, but it's an adventure. And it's an adventure I'm so ready to tackle when the time arrises.

New beginnings? A fresh start.

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