Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Another year down...

[Started writing this 3 days ago... decided to continue on with it tonight]

It is truly hard to believe that my husband has been gone for 2 years.

24 months.

104 weeks.

730 days.

It doesn't matter how you look at the length of time that he's been gone; in hours, days, weeks, or months. There is a void inside of my heart, in our hearts, that not even time will be able to completely fill. That's just simply the price that one pays for loving so truly, so deeply, and so completely.

The more time that passes the more memories slowly dissolve. Bits and pieces of them become left to the imagination and pictures and stories vs. the fact. And what hurts the most is those private memories that only the two of you shared. You know, the ones that no one else is able to recall but the two of you, only now there is only one. The weight of those memories lies on my shoulders and there are just some things I don't remember, but desperately wish that I did. Laughing so hard we cried while playing fetch with the dog, but what was so funny? Our first hospitalization together, but in what year? Our first official date, but where did we go? Planning our dream house, but what were our wild ideas? He wanted to take me so many places, but where were those places?

And it's not only that, it's the lines of his face, his mannerisms, the quirky actions and thoughts that made Spencer, Spencer. Those fade with time, too, and I almost feel guilty that those things can't be remembered by quick recall anymore. It's amazing how quickly things are lost when your not looking at them or discussing them on a regular basis. With only 2 years down, it makes me wonder how much more will become lost with time. Time. It's always about time in one way or another, isn't it? How much you have with someone, how "time heals", how much time has passed....

I sat and studied pictures of Spencer tonight. Ones from when he was a boy up until 2 days before his death. His personality came out through his facial expressions and it was one of those rare moments when I felt a lot closer to remembering him as an actual person, vs. pictures and imagination because sometimes it feels like it was all a dream.

There is one night out of the year that I pull out my "Spencer Box" and slowly sift through everything in it one-by-one. I sit down and read the piles of cards he/we received from Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Get-Well-Soon, and etc. It took me over an hour to go through just the cards. I also looked through my "Spencer Book" which contains hundreds of letters written to Spencer during his final week. The words are so touching and it means the world to me that I have the ability to go back and be reminded of how much he was loved. It's healing for me and really warms my heart. The love is so overwhelming, even after 2 years.

I'm always very mixed with emotions when it comes to days like this. I'm filled with so much love, but so much emptiness at the same time, and that's tough to sort through. I very much miss being in Utah and I long to be there tonight. Last year was such a wonderful celebration of his life and something that I wish could be done every year. But I know he was still remembered by friends and family, near and far. Last year I just took a lot of comfort of being around loved ones. It helped smooth out the day and make it a whole lot easier to get through.

As today comes to an end and another milestone and hurdle in my life is worked through, I have to take a moment to say thank you to everyone who took a few extra moments today to think of Spence. And thank you so much for all of the love that you shared with both Spencer and myself before, during, and after. It's because of you that I have made it through these trials a little bit easier. The support you've shown me is incredible and, as I've said before, completely overwhelming.

And to Spencer:

Thank you for sharing your life with me. You taught me invaluable lessons I hold near and dear to my heart. Thank you for allowing me to be your wife and the person you trusted the most with your thoughts and feelings; The person you trusted most to care for you and to be with you until your last breath. Being married to you was the biggest privilege that I have ever had. I love you always and forever, SweetPea. Nothing I can say right now differs from anything I've ever told you before... I miss you so much and carry you so close to my heart.

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