Tuesday, April 23, 2013

He's still alive through pics, videos, and moments that take our breath away

Some days I miss this guy so deeply words can't quite adequately express it. So deeply it just weighs me down. Of course I miss him on a daily basis, but it's something I've learned to live with. It's just part of my every day life. It isn't very often that I miss him this much, but sometimes it just happens, and I know it will continue to happen. I'm finally okay with this.

Today overall hasn't been too bad, but I've had some moments that pulled at my heart strings. I've thought of memories of Spencer and I, and I've had some moments of complete disbelief that he's gone. That he's really, truly gone. Those feelings of disbelief, though very rare, are so powerful! They come about as quickly as they go.

On the 1st anniversary of Spencer's death my best friends gave me a small angel wings charm that fits in your pocket or onto a key chain.

It meant a great deal to me and for the longest time I kept it in my jeans pocket. It went through several wash and dry cycles and it wasn't until I got pulled to the side in airport security, twice, that I decided I should take it out and find another place for it. I had honestly forgotten about it in the last several months until today. 

I decided to do a small load of laundry and when I pulled out a few clothes from the dryer I paused and started to get a huge smile on my face when I found this charm sitting perfectly on the lip of the dryer, in plain sight so I couldn't miss it. I just stood there looking at it for awhile, clueless to how it got there. It briefly took my breath away. I did wash my purse and I honestly don't remember putting it in there, and I also checked the pockets of it before I washed it, but that's the only place I can think of that it came from!

Now I've really never been one to trust in or believe in 'signs' from my loved ones who have passed on. I always just think of it as a coincidence. I don't necessarily know or think it was sign from Spence today, but regardless it sure did make me smile and realize that he's still looking down on me... especially since I was having a pretty frustrating day with my physical capabilities. 

While the above situation made me smile and put me in a better mood, tonight I certainly miss him on a pretty deep level. No tears being shed, I just miss him. As I was looking through my e-mails tonight, I ran across an e-mail from my sister that I completely forgot that she sent me. While I was in Kansas she was looking through her phone and found a video that she took of Spencer Christmas of 2010 -- his last Christmas with us. It's a fairly short video, but it's of Spencer being, well, Spencer -- silly, fun, and quirky. Videos always get to me because they are the most real evidence I have that remind me that my memories weren't just a dream. Videos make his existence real. Tangible. The movements. His voice. 

So it's no surprise that they capture an emotion within me that's just too deep for words.

This is your typical Spencer: I haven't been able to make out some of what was said since my roommates are sleeping and I'm not up to watching it over and over again because I'm certain I might cry, but even if I don't know what's being said I love it. 

The first time I watched this I was really focused on what was being said. But then I watched it a second time. I started giggling a little bit half way through, and then at the end I experienced a huge burst of some kind of emotion that I honestly can't describe. I ended up laughing, a deep belly laugh, but at the same time I had a knot in my stomach, the urge to burst into uncontrollable tears. I quickly stopped before that happened. 

I love watching videos of him. If you have any -- could you please, please share them with me? =)

I love you my SweetPea and miss you every day!!!!

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