Grieving and Faith

Jeeze it's been awhile since I've posted. I really have had a lot to say, and I've started writing a couple of blog posts, but I never finished them, never posted them. Hopefully I can get back on the bandwagon and start posting a lot more frequently. I love looking back on old posts and remembering where I was physically, emotionally, mentally, at a specific time in my life. So here it goes.. jumping back on the blogging train..

I follow this blog called Widows Voice and more often than not when I read a post it tends to define me. The words that these widows and widowers convey often times put into words what I've been unable to for a long period of time. There was a blog that I read today talking about how she lost her Faith when her husband got sick with cancer. It hit pretty close to home..

I am not sure if I've posted about my struggle with Faith since Spencer's death. I am not going to lie - it has been the single hardest thing for me to deal with since I lost my husband. There have been times where I've felt close to the Lord. I read my scriptures and I prayed every night. But the majority of the time I feel I have been so incredibly distanced from my Heavenly Father. I have been unable to put forth an effort to continue uphold my end of the relationship and rely on Him for answers and guidance.

There has definitely been a void in this area of my life. I get angry and feel quite guilty because I am not at all where I should be in regards to my faith. I mean, I have every reason that I SHOULD become more Christ-like and closer to Heavenly Father. My husband is now in Heaven, and if I want to be with him again, I need to put forth an effort to earn it. If I want to enter the Temple and get my endowments, I need to work to earn it. I've heard that the vail is a lot thinner than we think and I'd love to experience not only the blessings of the Temple, but the communication that sometimes comes from being a worthy member of the church and being able to go through the Temple. I don't know that I will ever get sealed to Spencer (complicated issue, one that tugs me in both ways always...), but if I would ever want that to be a possibility... again, I need to earn that.

But for some reason (multiple reasons) I've been so far away that it's hard to get back..

It's also been really hard for me, because even when people say things with the very, very best of intentions, it often times stings me and makes me feel guilty. Sometimes (okay honestly, really every single time) I try to bring up how I feel, I get the same type of reply over, and over, and over again. When I try to talk about how I don't feel worthy, how I am angry and hurt at God, and etc I get a response like this, "Oh, Nikki! You really shouldn't feel that way." I understand what's going through their mind when they say it. But what goes through my mind after hearing it constantly is something completely different. I KNOW that I shouldn't feel that way.... But talking about this topic to people is hard for me, it takes a lot for me to bring it up and it's frustrating when I always get shrugged off and the response I get is "You shouldn't feel that way". I want people to look me in the eye and tell me that it's okay. That it's normal to feel how I'm feeling. That it's understandable and I have every right on Earth to feel this way. And then I want them to help me go about working through things. Getting back on track.

But I rarely get that. And it gets to me. Very few people seem to take enough time to really listen to me and help me through it. And honestly, it could be because I play it off to be not such a big deal because everyone else seems to think it's not such a big deal. That these feelings will pass. Will it's been over a year now and they are still hanging around. But truth is... it IS a big deal to me. It's an internal conflict that I deal with EVERY DAY. There is not one day that goes by that I am not disappointed in myself for my terrible lack of faith. I want to have unshakable Faith. I want Spencer to be proud of me in how much I've grown in my faith. But the sad thing is... I haven't, at least I don't feel like I have. And any other time that I struggled, I had him there to help pick me back up. He helped get me back on the right path. He knew exactly who I needed to talk to, or what I needed to do... I'm so new at all of this. 1.5 years a member of the church... I don't know the ins and outs and the ways to make appointments with people who I should talk to to help me out... And I think people forget this. So I just often times feel completely alone. And anymore it's getting to the point where I just ignore it because I'm not sure how to deal with it. -deep breath- I'm getting all worked up... It's hard on me...

But as I mentioned, the words in the blog, Widow's Voice, really defined my year off and on. I want to post some of them...

"As I watched Daniel deal with cancer and all the joy it entails, I lost faith." -- I can't even explain how true this seems for me. I can't say that I completely lost my faith, but it seemed so shattered. When I should have been drawing closer, I pulled away... 

"I tried to go to church after he died, but I was so angry that I would just cry in church and hate all of the happy families sitting around me.  I was bitter and resentful.  I didn't want to be there."

 Oh man... That last statement is very much me. It is to the point where I don't want to go to church because it is the one time that I truly hurt to the core. It makes me miss my husband on a level that is indescribable  I feel an intense longing, a deep ache, and a void that can't be filled. Often times I would sit there with tears in my eyes... Something they would say would make me remember, a hymn that we sang made me remember how much Spencer loved them... And I would get angry. I don't know what or who I was angry with, but I would definitely feel bitter which made being there miserable.   I mean, who WANTS to put themselves in a situation that is going to cause so much pain? That's where I'm coming from. And it's also not JUST going to church, it's praying at home, reading the scriptures, FHE, visiting teaching discussions. It's everything. I have been so deeply hurt and shattered it's so hard for me to get back on the right path...

All of it this so, so, hard to describe to someone who hasn't lived it. If you don't understand, it's okay -- I don't at all expect you to. But I needed to write about it. I needed to start blogging again somewhere, and this is what ended up...