Wednesday, April 11, 2012
I survived today. The 4 month mark... The always dreaded 11th of the month. Four months since I have been without my love. For months since I last kissed him. Since I last held his hand. Since I last heard him take a breath.
These four months have felt like an ETERNITY to me, but at the same time it feels like just yesterday. I can think back and remember specific details about the day Spencer passed away. It's like it just happened... The pain at times is so fresh and stabbing like it JUST happened.
But yet I feel like it's been AGES ago. Because in widow time, seconds feel like minutes. Minutes feel like hours... and sometimes hours feel like a short day. Everything just slows down and sometimes stops. The world moves on without me. Leaving me behind.
The month-a-versaries aren't easy. I was really down and out Jan 11th because it was only a month. Feb 11th was horrible because my grandma passed away. March 11th I was driving back from Utah. I was a master of distraction that day. Had a break down moment and I was constantly paranoid something was going to happen to some one. I mean why not? I already lost 3 people in my life on the 11th. So I was *very* worried all day that I was going to hear that one of my other gparents passed away or something. But alas - no one died and I survived.. Barely.
But this month? I tried to keep my mind off of the 11th leading up to it. In fact the thought didn't even cross my mind in the morning until I looked at the calendar. when I saw the 11th I did have a sinking feeling in my stomach but I told myself that it was OKAY. I was a bit paranoid all that we were going to get some kind of bad news as my gpa had an oncology appt today. But nothing bad ever came of today.
Not only did I survive the 11th of April... but I survived it WELL. It wasn't a matter of just trying to sustain myself throughout the day as it has been the past 3 months.
Even though this may seem like a small feat - it's huge in the widow world. Huge. Little moments like this are something to brag about because it shows that even though it hurts like crazy that I don't have Spencer here anymore that I am doing OKAY and I will continue to do OKAY.
Of course I still have moments of horribly overwhelming grief and mourning. Moments where I honestly don't feel like I can go on. I can't quite tell you how I get through them, but I do - and that's the important part, that I continue on even when I feel I can't. I know that these moments of grief will hit for a very long time. There is no question about that. It will always hurt. Always. You never forget the one you love the most. But overtime I will learn how to cope with this grief. And I'm really looking forward to when I get in those dark moments of grief, being able to see a glimmer of light and hope instead of nothing but darkness, loneliness, and hopelessness.
I am proud of myself for how far I've come. For how much I have learned. About grief. About life. About MYSELF.